


Can't Sleep

by ArdeaJestin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canonical Character Death, Dirty Talk, Dominant Ben Solo, Drinking, F/M, Female Friendship, First Time, Insomnia, Porn with Feelings, Sexting, Skywalker Family Drama, Skywalker Family Feels, Slow Burn, Strong Language, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Virgin Rey, Voice Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-07-04 08:02:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 47,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15837132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArdeaJestin/pseuds/ArdeaJestin
Summary: During the day, he's the golden boy, leader of the most prestigious secret society on campus, and she's the girl who came from nothing. At night, they're just two people who haunt the library because they can't get any sleep.*COMPLETE*





	1. Chapter 1

They ushered in September with a private dinner in town at the Ambassadors, a couple of bottles of champagne and a dress-code that was entirely nonsensical given the weather – still humid and hot, the kind to make you sweat under your fine, white cotton collar.

 

Ben didn’t care much for uniforms. In fact, he had outright detested wearing them in private school. However, he had to admit that in this case, it gave the assembly a sort of grandeur he enjoyed: twenty or so young men sitting around a table, all dressed in white tie, with a silk crimson scarf hanging from their neck. No clashing colors, no vulgarity, not like what you saw every day on campus. Ben often wondered how most guys his age ever managed to retain a sense of self-respect, dragging themselves around in wool caps and ripped jeans and gigantic sneakers whose soles looked like wads of gum. But then, this was what this club was all about: a heightened sense of self and pride in what you were and where you came from, something society sorely lacked these days.

 

_If you forget who you truly are inside, you’ll get lost_ , a soft yet firm voice echoed inside his head. Ben brushed it asides. No time for the past now. The only thing that mattered was his future, and it was starting right here in this room.

 

Armitage Hux was sitting opposite him, his red hair slicked back and his eyes glinting. When their gazes met, Ben nodded ever so slightly, and Hux stood up on cue, tapping the tip of his spoon against his champagne glass in a bid for silence. The murmurs hushed and ceased. Hux made a show of clearing his throat and looked around.

 

“My fellow associates, brothers of the First Order of Knights, we are gathered here tonight to usher in a new era.”

 

“Hear hear!” they all cried, thumping the table with their fists.

 

“The former leader of the Order having graduated _cum laude_ from the glorious institution that is Everton University, it is time for us to elect a new leader, one that will uphold the sacred traditions of our brotherhood.”

 

“Hear hear!” they cried again.

 

Ben was careful to keep a neutral expression, but all of this was just a formality. The decision had been taken months ago – perhaps even three years before, when he had arrived at Everton University and been immediately accepted into the First Order, the most prestigious secret society on campus. Of course, using his mother’s family name instead of his deadbeat father’s moniker had helped tremendously.

 

“Who will lead the First Order of Knights to glory, honor and opulence?” Hux asked the assembly.

 

“Admiral, if I may,” one member cried out, using Hux’s secret name, as was required during meetings. “Would Kylo Ren not lead us well?”

 

There was a loud cheer. Ben’s heart started to beat a little faster. Only a few words now, and it would be done.

 

“Those of you who think our brother Kylo Ren would serve the First Order well, make yourselves known.”

 

The cheer was even louder this time and Hux’s mouth twisted into a smile. It was just as much his victory as it was Ben’s. He enjoyed plotting in the background too much to become the leader himself, and he knew the loyalty he had shown Ben all these years would pay off now. Not that there had been much competition: Ben wasn’t the wealthiest member of the group but he was by far the smartest, and his own grandfather had been leader in his time. In this subset, a legacy counted for something.

 

“Kylo Ren,” Hux announced, turning to him. “Your brothers have spoken in your favor. Do you accept the leadership of the First Order?”

 

Ben stood up and straightened his back. “I do.”

 

“It is done! Brothers, look upon your new leader. To Kylo Ren!”

 

Chairs scrapped against the hardwood floor as all of them stood up, champagne glass in hand, and repeated Hux’s words. “To Kylo Ren!”

 

Twenty heads titled back until not a drop was left in the glasses, then they broke into rapturous applause. They came to shake his hand and punch his shoulder and congratulate him before going to drink some more and gorge themselves on gourmet dished, and whip themselves up into a frenzy of disposable income. Ben played along – he owned them that much for unlocking the last door on his way to success. He shared a glance with Hux, whose smile had taken a more sinister aspect. _The fools_ , he seemed to say, and he knew Ben agreed.

 

Kylo Ren would give them everything they wanted: wild parties and expensive booze and beautiful girls. And in return, they would happily serve as stepping stones towards his own goal, which was of much greater importance. As leader of the First Order, there was nothing, and no one, to stop him now.


	2. Chapter 2

When the bus pulled into Everton, Rey felt as if she had landed on another planet. She was in such awe of the view that it took her a moment to realize that this was her stop and she should hurry and get off. She hastily put her bag on her back, took her hefty suitcase and rolled-up comforter, and lugged them with difficulty onto the pavement. The doors whooshed to a close behind her. This was it. A new life was starting for her, full of color and promise and hope.

 

Rey smiled and took a moment to look around her. The leafy trees, the crisp blue sky, the handsome redbrick buildings, everything was like out of a picture book, something she could only dream of in the barren, far-off corner of the desert where she’d grown up. The street leading up to Everton University was buzzing with the activity of the late afternoon, and Rey relished the whir of cars and jangle of bike bells just as much as everything else. This was busy noise, productive noise – not the bland drone of the TV her aunt left on all day, or the dry wind picking up dust and tumbleweeds. Maybe she’d have enough money for a bike herself when she found a part-time job.

 

The gates of the college were crowded with kids and their anxious parents, their arms filled with belongings. Suddenly, her suitcase didn’t look so hefty after all. How could her entire life fit in there? But no matter, there would be plenty of opportunities to fill it up. Here, she felt anything was possible. She headed towards the registration area, where tables had been set with corresponding alphabet letters.

 

“Hello,” she told one of the girls, grinning. “I’m Rey Jones, I’m majoring in...”

 

“Hang on,” the girl muttered, barely looking up from her list. “Jones… Jones...”

 

“Rey,” she repeated. “R-E...”

 

“Right. There you are.” She quickly skimmed through a box of files and handed Rey a large manilla envelop. “Here’s your electronic ID, schedule, paperwork. Your dorm room is 5C in Blackwell Hall.”

 

“Okay, great, could you tell where Blackwell Hall is?”

 

“Map’s on your left,” the girl answered curtly before waving in another student.

 

Rey thanked her and dragged her suitcase along. It took her a few minutes to figure out the location of her dorm, and another fifteen minutes to actually get there. Then she realized that 5C meant that her room was on the fifth floor, and there was no elevator. This would definitely count as her workout for the day.

 

When she finally arrived in front of her room, Rey paused for a moment to wipe the sweat off her forehead. She was out of breath but also nervous. This was the only thing she had been truly dreading: discovering who her roommate was. She would have much rather have had a room alone if she could. Of course, in theory, she wanted to make new friends – or just friends, since there were no old ones to speak of. But she was so used to doing everything on her own that living with someone in such close quarters would be a challenge.

 

She swiped her ID card on the lock and opened in just a crack to peak inside. There was a few bags stacked neatly next to one of the beds, but no one in the room. With a sigh of relief, Rey entered and set down her things on the other bed, admiring her surroundings. There was a nightstand next to each bed, some shelves and drawers lining the walls, and two functional desks on either side the window. Sure, it looked impersonal and empty now, but she could already picture it: books stacked everywhere, posters of concerts and festivals tacked on the wall, a steaming cup of coffee on the desk, next to a shiny new laptop. Yes, a laptop, she ought to buy that first instead of a bike.

 

“Oh!”

 

Startled, Rey jumped up and saw a short girl in yellow overalls and a blue pullover standing in the doorway. She had a round face, almond-shaped eyes and short black hair under her green wool cap. For all the world, she looked like a cute garden gnome who had just wandered in to a college dorm.

 

“Sorry, you weren’t there when I – I mean, you must be my roommate! Pleased to meet you, I’m Rose Tico!”

 

“Rey Jones. Great to meet you too.”

 

“I took the right side of the room, but if you want it, there’ s no problem at all, I mean, it’s not like I have some kind of OCD or anything, left or right is the same for me!”

 

Rose spoke very quickly, in a cheerful tone, and Rey suddenly relaxed. “No, it’s fine,” she replied. “I don’t really care either.”

 

“Okay, well, I should probably get to unpacking and then… we can go out and visit the quad, if you want?”

 

“Sure, that sounds wonderful.”

 

As they got to work, Rey tried to unpack as slowly as possible, knowing that she’d be done way before Rose, who not only had a bundle of clothes – all of them so colorful her side of the shelves looked like a rainbow – but almost as many books. Rey had brought every last single one she owned, mostly second-hand novels with tattered covers, yet she was itching to go to the library to get some. In high school, she always maxed out her card because piles of books made her feel safe somehow, even though they weren’t hers.

 

“Are you… done already?” Rose asked carefully as she decorating her nightstand with framed pictures.

 

“Yeah, I’m a light packer,” Rey said with a shrug, then pointed to one of the pictured to change the subject. “Oh, is that your family? You have a sister?”

 

Rose smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I did. She passed away two years ago.”

 

Rey bit her lip, mortified. “Oh, gosh, sorry, I -”

 

“That’s all right. It’s not like it’s a secret, so I guess it’s better that you find out now.” She gave a nervous little laugh. “Wow, is this an awkward conversation for two people who’ve only known each other for an hour or what?”

 

“I don’t have a lot of practice talking to people, to be honest,” Rey said. “So that’s probably on me.”

 

“Please, I was voted ‘Most Clumsy’ in high school, so there’s no way you’re beating that.”

 

“I wasn’t even voted anything. I think people forgot I existed.”

 

They looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Okay, I think we both need a drink,” Rose said. “Time to check out the mandatory campus coffee shop.”

 

“I’m not sure I’m dressed for the occasion,” Rey said, only half-joking.

 

Rose inspected her faded jeans, canvas sneakers and old plaid shirt over a black tank top. “Are you kidding? You’re naturally cool. A lot of people pay a lot of money to look that hip.”

 

Rey laughed again. “Wow, that is literally the first time I’ve been associated with the word cool in a sentence. Thank you.”

 

“Much obliged.”

 

They headed out of Blackwell Hall and started down the road. The light was already fading but the air was still hot and thick with the fragrance of cut grass.

 

“Okay, so I think the main building where the classes take place is behind us,” Rose said, “and that right there must be the science center...”

 

“What are you majoring in?”

 

“Environmental studies. You?”

 

“Mechanical engineering.”

 

Rose seemed impressed, but Rey was momentarily distracted by a building on their right. Through the large bay windows on the ground floor, she could see rows of mostly empty tables. The neon ceiling lights had been switched on, giving the place a pale, ghostly glow in the dusk. There were only a few people there, surrounded by thick tomes and typing away on their laptops – probably upperclassmen already back at work.

 

“Well, we found the library – well, one of them, at least,” Rose said.

 

Rey nodded absently. In a far corner, a young man with broad shoulders and dark, wavy hair sat immersed in his reading. The vision gave her a strange impression. She was certain she’d never met him before yet he seemed familiar, and the whole scene – the pale light, the silence, the way he read – was just _right_ somehow _._

 

Crazy. She was exhausted and overwhelmed and her mind was playing tricks on her. She shook her head and turned back to Rose.

 

“Do you think they hire students part-time to help out?” she asked. “You know, registering people, sorting out books and stuff?”

 

“They might. You should go ask – but after we have coffee.”

 

“Yeah, of course,” Rey said, and started to walk again. “I think we’ve earned the right to enjoy our very first day of freedom.”


	3. Chapter 3

The bag swayed in rhythm with Ben’s punches, and with each one he landed his heartbeat accelerated and his lungs swelled until he had to stop. He took his gloves off, discarding them on the bench, then grabbed a towel to mop his forehead. An intensive workout was always a good way to finish the day; he had so much pent-up energy after the summer months that he felt he could keep going forever.

 

“Hey bro, awesome workout! You’re really killing it today!”

 

And that was precisely the reason why he didn’t stay at the gym for too long. Ben turned to look at the blond, blue-eyed young man with chiseled features who was grinning at him and presenting his hand for a high-five. Bradley Snoke didn’t seem to notice Ben’s cold gaze – in fact, he didn’t seem to notice much of anything. Every time Ben looked at him, he was reminded of what Brad’s grandfather, Senator Snoke, had told him the first time they had met.

 

_The only thing Bradley has in his favor in my name, and the only thing I can expect of him is to pass it on to an heir – even a half-wit can manage that. But you, on the other hand, Ben Skywalker…_

 

Ben smiled and slapped Brad’s hand. “Thanks, man. I think I’m done though. Hux, you staying?”

 

Hux, who never did anything else at the gym but run on the treadmill for hours, slowed to a stop. “No, I’m coming with you. It’s getting late.”

 

“The Admiral’s right,” Brad said. “Sun’s going down, time to party! I heard the ladies of Phi Beta Omega are having a kickass mixer tonight.”

 

Ben hesitated. He had much rather spend the entire evening with a punching bag than with a gaggle of girls in towering heels and tight dresses, whose dazzling smiles were only poor attempts to distract from their vacant eyes and inane conversation.

 

“I think it’d be better to have our first party as a fraternity at our own house,” he said. “That way we can decide who we let in, and not rub shoulders with half the other frats on campus.”

 

Brad thought for a moment and nodded. “Smart, bro. Real smart.”

 

“But whatever, I mean, we don’t all have to go. If some of you feel like going on a scouting mission to check out the new girls...”

 

“You mean like boy scouts?” Brad asked, confused.

 

“No. Just… go if you want, man.”

 

Brad grinned again and slapped Ben’s shoulder before heading to the showers.

 

“Remind me again why we have to socialize with this idiot?” Hux asked. “Now that you’re leader, you could very well get rid of him.”

 

“I don’t think his grandfather would appreciate it.”

 

“You told me yourself that Senator Snoke knows how limited he is.”

 

“Indeed. But for the sake of appearances, Brad has to stay. Don’t worry, it’ll be worth putting up with him in the end.”

 

“I suppose he’s harmless - nothing more than a dog in heat,” Hux said with a sniff of disgust.

 

Hux seemed to share Ben’s distaste for any event involving cheap liquor, terrible music and, above all, sorority girls. But Ben had always suspected it wasn’t exactly for the same reasons as him.

 

When they returned to Tyler House, an elegant Grecian mansion whose pediment was adorned with two golden alphas, Brad and some of the other brothers started to get ready for the mixer while Ben retreated to his room, a luxurious suite on the top floor. Even with his door closed, he could hear the agitation in the rest of the house; obviously he wasn’t the only one whom summer had left full of pent-up energy.

 

So why didn’t he want to go to this stupid party? Ben lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn’t like he had never taken part in that kind of event before. Certain things were expected of you when you entered the First Order, and for most of its members, getting hammered at parties and comparing sexual exploits were akin to brotherhood and camaraderie. You were regarded with suspicion if you avoided them entirely. Hux only got away with it because he carefully cultivated the image of a tight-ass misanthrope, and it was always useful to have someone who was unwaveringly sober on hand to negotiate with campus authorities when things got out of control.

 

But Ben wasn’t like that. Hux was a block of ice, whereas he, as much as he hated to admit it, had impulses just like anyone else. In fact, he was racked with them constantly, like electricity coursing through his veins, and there were only two things that could calm him down: working out alone, or going to the library and plunging into complicated books about statistics. Drinking only gave him an edge of anger and with his frame, he needed twice as much as anyone else to feel any effect. As for engaging in meaningless sex, as far as he could tell from the few times he had tried, it increased his frustration instead of easing it. Sure, it could provide physical release and a certain sense of power, but after each mediocre encounter, he was starkly reminded of how unsatisfied he was, and how much he yearned for something else.

 

But that _something_ , whatever it was, remained out of reach for now, and he couldn’t waste precious time and energy looking for it. He closed his eyes and summoned the memory of Senator Snoke again.

 

_You, on the other hand, Ben Skywalker… you’re destined for great things, just like your grandfather was. And since fate would have it that you were deprived of a grandfather, and I of a proper grandson, I believe we can help each other out._

 

Yes. That was what he needed to focus on. He couldn’t let anything or anyone make him forget what he had set out to do all these years ago.

 

After dinner, he decided to go to the library, just for a little while – there was nothing much to do around the house and it would be hours still until his brain mellowed down enough for him to sleep. By the time he got there, it was almost eight thirty and the building was nearly empty.

 

Ben wasn’t surprised. This early in the year, not many people saw the need to stay up late studying, and only grads students were allowed to stay there after nine anyway. That was probably the biggest thrill he got becoming a grad student himself: getting that magic swipe card to the side entrance and being able to get into the library at any hour of the day or night.

 

He was about to grab the handle of the glass door when a brown-haired girl pushed it open from the other side. She was so deep in thought she nearly collided into him, only stepping aside at the last moment. Their eyes met; hers were hazel, almost green, and full of a sort of fierce timidity. She stopped for a moment and hesitated, as if she recognized him somehow, then bolted off, hitching her canvas bag higher on her shoulder.

 

It had only lasted a moment, but even as Ben entered the library, a vivid impression trailed after him, as if the details of the stranger’s appearance were imprinted in his mind. Probably because she looked so different than the girls in his usual circles, he figured. In any case it was nothing a few hours of reading wouldn’t erase.


	4. Chapter 4

“So, are you going to do it?”

 

Rey breathed in the warm air, closing her eyes against the sun. She had spent her life hating heat and trying to avoid it – an impossible feat, where she came from – but this was different somehow. The light was softer, the air more fragrant. Ironically, she had never felt so much as if she were on holiday than since she’d started college.

 

“I think so,” she replied, opening her eyes again to look at Rose, who was walking next to her. “It beats working as a waitress or a cashier, and even if the pay isn’t great...”

 

“Yes, access to the library at night, you mentioned that already,” Rose said with a laugh. “In fact, I think that’s the very first thing you told me when you got back from your interview.”

 

“ _Interview_ makes it sound so formal, doesn’t it?” Rey said, scrunching her nose. “Almost like we’re adults.”

 

“Yeah, just look at that, there are posters all around and not a hint of glitter.”

 

A sort of fair had been set up on the main square of the quad so that student clubs and organizations could recruit new members, and Rose and Rey were perusing the area, trying to figure out which ones they wanted to join. So far, Rose had picked up two leaflets, one for a club called Friends of the Earth and another for Animals Rights Now. Rey had none.

 

“Why don’t you join a running group or something?” Rose suggested. “You go jogging every morning alone.”

 

“That’s the key word, though – _alone_. I’m not used to running with other people.”

 

“Well, how about that one? Robotics League. Sounds like it’s right up your alley.”

 

Rey smiled. “Actually, I know that guy. He’s in my Thermodynamics class.”

 

She gave a little wave to the sullen black boy who was manning the stand with no other company that a few small robotic creations on display. When he saw her, his face lit up and he waved back.

 

“Come on, let’s go say hi,” Rose said.

 

“I don’t know… He’s a sophomore and we’ve never really talked, I don’t want to be a bother...”

 

“He’s manning a stand,” Rose insisted, linking her arm in hers and dragging her forward. “He’s literally there so he can be bothered.”

 

“Hi… Finn,” Rey said when they had reached the table. “It is Finn, yeah?”

 

“Right on. And you’re Rey Jones,” Finn replied with a grin. “I get no credit for that, it’s easy to remember the name of a freshman taking Thermodynamics. That stuff is rough.”

 

“This is my friend and roommate, Rose.”

 

“Pleasure. So can I interest you lovely ladies in joining the Robotics League?”

 

“You bet,” Rey said. “I was pretty much a one-woman robotics league at school.”

 

“How about you, Rose?”

 

Rose’s cheeks tinged with pink. “Oh, I dabble in electronics, but I’m nowhere near as good as Rey. I’m more of a social justice sort of person.”

 

“Then you should definitely go check out my buddy Poe’s organization,” Finn said. “He’s a grad student in aeronautical engineering and the president of Students United for Equality on Campus - amongst us we just call it the Resistance.”

 

“So you’re a member?” Rey asked.

 

“Yeah, it’s great. Really active and they don’t bullshit around either, they really do stuff. Come on, let’s go check it out. Hey, Andy!” Finn motioned to one of the boys manning the stand for the Mathematics Excellence Club. “Keep an eye on our stuff for a few minutes, I’ll be right back.”

 

He circled the table and joined Rey and Rose, leading them to a stand on the other side of the square. A small crowd of students had gathered there, and at the center of it all was the most handsome man Rey had ever seen – tall and lithe, with olive skin, chiseled features and curly black hair falling perfectly on his forehead. He was wearing a beat-up leather jacket with a pride flag pin on the lapel, and as soon as he was done putting a new stack of leaflets on the table, he turned to Finn, Rey and Rose with a dazzling smile.

 

“So, you managed to tear yourself away from your robots – and you brought company.” He held out his hand to Rey, then Rose. “Nice to meet you, I’m Poe Dameron.”

 

As soon as Finn had introduced them, Poe made a point of explaining the actions his organization as thoroughly as possible. Rose was drinking in every word, naturally, but Poe was such a good speaker that even Rey was captivated.

 

“Everyone says that Everton is one of the top schools in the country and that it’s a privilege to study here and indeed, the classes and the professors are fantastic, but there’s also a lot of shady stuff going on around campus, all sorts of the discrimination running rampant unchecked. And whenever we try to get the board to do something about it, they say that they’ll _take matters under consideration_ – which is just another way to tell us to fuck off. That’s why we call ourselves the Resistance: because we want actions, not just words. And we’re not going to back down.”

 

By the time he had finished, Rey was ready to sign up. She’d never met anyone so outspoken and passionate in his ideals. In fact, all of them – Finn with his easy friendliness, Rose with her bubbly personality, Poe with his charisma – were exactly the type of people she had dreamed of meeting throughout her lonely high school years. To actually talk to them, or even become _friends_ with them, was beyond what she could have imagined.

 

When Poe was done, Finn gave a few emphatic claps to tease him. “Fantastic speech, man, I can tell you’ve been practicing. I have to get back my table though.”

 

“Meet up at the coffee shop afterward?”

 

“You got it. Rey, Rose, I’ll see you there too, right?”

 

“Sure,” Rey said immediately, hardly containing her excitement. “We’d love to.”

 

#

 

Rey was amazed at how quickly she settled into a routine after the rush of the first week: running, going to class, going to the coffee shop, where either Finn or Poe or Rose were sure to be hanging out. It was a cozy, run-down sort of place, much smaller than the generic chain coffee shop Rey had been to on her first day, and it was owned by a little lady called Maz who spent as much time behind the counter as she did going around chatting with customers, her many bangles jingling as she went.

 

When Rey was there, she felt like she was part of something, like a spot had been waiting for her all this time and all she had to do was slide into place. _This is it_ , she sometimes caught herself thinking as they sipped their lattes and talked about books and movies and politics. _This is the stuff._ Yet there were fleeting moments when she slid back out again and contemplated everything from a distance, when she got the impression she was pretending somehow. _What do these people really know about you? Nothing. They don’t know where you’re from, who you really are, what strange thoughts go through your mind._

 

The only place where her unease would abate was the library – or rather, the Kenobi Scientific Archive, as the head librarian insisted on calling it. As soon as she crossed the doors, it was like she was entering another world, one of silence, where no one pretended or lied because no one spoke. She mostly worked from the late afternoon until the desk closed at nine, at the returns desk or putting books back on the shelves.

 

After work, Rey sometimes left to grab a bite with Rose, but more often than not, she ate a sandwich in the break room and stayed to study until midnight or one o’clock. It hadn’t taken long for the two roommates to realize they had completely different sleeping schedules: Rose needed a minimum of eight hours, and Rey no more than five. At first, not wanting to endanger a cohabitation that was going as smoothly as she could have hoped, Rey had forced herself to go to bed at the same time as Rose, but the hours spent tossing and turning drove her crazy. At the same time, she didn’t want to bother her friend by keeping the light on at her desk.

 

The job at the library provided the perfect solution, even if the meager pay meant that Rey would have to wait a little longer to buy a laptop or a bike. She could read to her heart’s desire and enjoy the tranquility of the library after hours.

 

Also, that was when _he_ came.

 

She’d recognized him immediately when she’d nearly bumped into him after her interview: it was the dark-haired young man she’d spotted through the window that first evening. Apparently, it was in his habits to come study at night, and Rey couldn’t help but being aware of his presence every time she saw him – _acutely_ aware. There were things she noticed about him that were of no importance in other people: the way he bit the tip of his thumb while he was reading, the way he squared his shoulders when he sat up, the single lock of black hair that always slipped from behind his ear and dangled in front of his forehead until he tucked it away again.

 

Rey couldn’t really explain it, but perhaps that was because she had so little experience with men, and what little experience she did have had been invariably disappointing. She tried to imagine talking about it to Rose, the way she’d heard other girls do when they confided in each other – _I noticed this cute guy in the library._ But she couldn’t describe him as cute, like she would Finn, or handsome like Poe. He was… striking. Different in a way that made her want to look.

 

Yet when she saw him walk to the returns desk just before the end of her shift on a Friday evening, Rey instinctively cast her gaze down, avoiding eye contact. What if he had noticed her glances towards him? He probably thought she was just some dumb freshmen with too much time on her hands. She busied herself with a stack of books and waited a few seconds before turning to him.

 

“I’m returning these,” he said in a deep, smooth voice, but not a particularly amiable tone, and shoved a pile towards her.

 

“I’ll need your card,” she replied, forcing a polite smile. He handed it to her without a word and she scanned it. “Ben Solo. Right, let me...”

 

“Skywalker,” he corrected curtly.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“My name is Ben Skywalker, not Solo.”

 

_Skywalker_ \- that name sounded familiar somehow. Where had she heard it before? No matter, she was too ticked off by the arrogant way he was addressing her to care.

 

“Just reading what it says on the card,” she muttered, scanning his books.

 

“The card is wrong.”

 

“If I were you, I’d keep that lame excuse for when you have a fine on an overdue book,” she shot back.

 

His expression didn’t change, but the intensity of his gaze told her he wasn’t used to being addressed this way. Rey held it all the same, now determined to stand her ground. Strangely, her reaction elicited a flicker of amusement in his dark eyes.

 

“Well, you know my name now, so it’s only fair you tell me yours,” he said, the hint of a smile playing on his lips.

 

Rey hesitated. Was he serious? She had finished scanning his books, yet he didn’t move, and it was clear he wouldn’t until he got a reply.

 

“It’s Rey,” she said.

 

He stood pensive for a moment, then gave a short nod, as if he had filed the information in his mind for later, and stalked off without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks to everyone who gave kudos and/or commented! I never know how to reply to comments without sounding like a overly enthusiastic nut, but each one is a precious gift to us fanfic writers. 
> 
> Sorry if there are factual inaccuracies about how a college works in the U.S, I try my best to make it coherent but since I live in Europe, I'm sure I'm getting a lot of stuff wrong. I'm also sorry it took so long for our babies to finally start interacting, things are now going to speed up (a little) ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains derogatory slurs concerning sexual orientation and some very brief non-consensual grabbing. (And lots of Reylo UST, but that's what you're here for :P)

“We’ve got a problem.”

 

Ben was never fond of hearing those words, but even less so three days before the First Order’s inaugural event. Everything was laid out on the dining room table: the guest list, the bill for the food and drinks, the rental agreement for the sound system. And before him were all the brothers of Alpha Alpha, waiting for his instructions.

 

“Just a moment,” he whispered back to Hux, who had arrived late to the meeting and now stood behind him with bad news. “All right,” he said in a louder voice to the group, “remember that this party is going to set the tone for who we are on this campus – the elite. Those who are meant to rule while others follow. And as such, I expect you to behave yourselves in a dignified manner. We dress, drink and dally like gentlemen. Whatever goes on behind closed doors is your business, but whoever makes a fool of himself in view of everyone will have to deal with me, is that understood?”

 

They all nodded and Ben dismissed them with a wave of his hand. Only Brad remained – obviously he had heard Hux and now wanted the full story.

 

“Okay, what is it?” Ben asked.

 

“The administration is refusing to give us authorization for the party unless we can provide some guarantees.”

 

“Guarantees of what?”

 

“No serving liquor to underage students and ending the party at midnight, per noise regulations.”

 

Ben’s jaw clenched. They may as well ask them to play patty-cake and serve orange soda. “Tyler House is a private domain. Asking for authorization is a courtesy we do them to show our good faith, not an obligation.”

 

“Actually, it’s been brought to their attention that it’s on the college land register. As such...”

 

Ben slammed his fist down on the table and both Hux and Brad flinched. “And I suppose they didn’t tell you _who_ came to them with that piece of information.”

 

Hux pressed his lips together. Of course he knew who was responsible for this. Even Brad was slowly coming to that realization.

 

“It’s that fag Poe Dameron, isn’t it?” he exclaimed. “He and all those queers he hangs out with. They’ve always been jealous of us and they can’t stand the idea that we’re throwing the most exclusive party on campus! He already tried to have it canceled last year.”

 

Ben bristled. In stressful times like these he just couldn’t bear Brad’s vulgarity. Dameron was a phony, an intellectual con artist in love with the sound of his own voice who used his so-called revolution to surround himself with sycophants. In many ways, he reminded Ben of his own father, who had sweet-talked his way into ruin, almost bringing the family down with him. That was reason enough to despise Dameron without having to care about who he chose to share his bed with.

 

“Bradley, do me a favor and go lift dumbbells at the gym or something,” Ben enunciated with meticulous contempt. “When I need your insight on the situation I’ll let you know.”

 

Brad’s mouth remained opened for a moment as if he were going to protest, but faced with Ben’s stony, unflinching glare, he cast his eyes down and shuffled out of the room.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

 

Ben turned to Hux. No doubt his acolyte could tell he was treading very dangerous waters. Nonetheless he summoned his courage to speak.

 

“You shouldn’t have told Brad off. It makes it look as if you’re defending Dameron.”

 

“I doubt Brad has the cognitive abilities to come to that conclusion. He probably stopped at the word ‘dumbbell’.”

 

“Still, you ought to be careful.”

 

“Elaborate.”

 

Hux cleared his throat nervously and continued. “These men are used to a certain lifestyle – a certain leeway. Wagging your finger at them whenever they use a naughty word or loosen their tie is not the right strategy to adopt to strengthen your position.”

 

“Let’s get one thing straight. I’d rather burn this house to the ground than act as leader to a bunch of beer-swigging morons in polo necks and cargo shorts. Our rules – the rules I’m rightfully enforcing - are what makes the First Order different from all the other fraternities. They either abide or leave. And that includes you, Hux.”

 

Hux’s chin gave a slight tremor and he took a second longer than Ben would’ve liked to reply. “I’m behind you, Kylo, you can be sure of that. Call Snoke so he can drop a word to the dean, I’ll deal with the rest.”

 

“Good.”

 

Ben left the papers where they lay and climbed the stairs up his room, taking his phone out of his pocket. There was a missed call from a hidden number. His stomach lurched.

 

_No need to hide, I know exactly who you are..._

 

He waited until he was safely locked in his room before he let his mind form the word.

 

_Mother._

 

Of course. Today was the 24th. She called every month on that day – the same day he’d seen her for the last time – hoping that he would pick up. Or maybe not hoping. Just showing him that she was still alive, that she still remembered, that she still cared.

 

_If you forget who you truly are inside, you’ll get lost,_ _Ben._

 

This day had just gone from bad to worse.

 

Before the wound could fully open again, Ben quickly accessed Snoke’s number and pressed the red call button.

 

#

 

After it was over, he had to get out of the house.

 

The day was fading into night and there were still a million things to do before the party, but starting tomorrow there would be no time to spare and he couldn’t bear the idea of keeping away for so long. He found himself walking towards the Kenobi Scientific Archive, breathing in big gulps of air.

 

 _Just a_ _little_ _while_ , a soft, wheedling voice murmured in his head. _Just until you’ve calmed down._ _She can make it better._

 

It hadn’t started out this way. She was only the girl with the canvas bag he’d bumped into once, who worked in the library and stayed there to study at night. There was absolutely nothing remarkable about her – and _yet_. Her presence gave him a niggling feeling that he couldn’t swat away. It was ridiculous that someone so average, so plain, should catch his attention.

 

Only when he spoke to her for the first time at the returns desk did he understand that there was, in fact, a reason: he’d never met someone whose eyes were so expressive and whose emotions shone through so clearly. Whether she be flustered or annoyed or sullen, she made no effort in hiding it, not for him or, he realized after observing her, for anyone else.

 

This girl, Rey, wasn’t plain – she was _pure,_ completely unaffected by pretense, as if she’d grown up alone in the middle of a desert.

 

Did others notice this in her? Or was he the only one? Ben liked to imagine that he had uncovered a hidden treasure, glinting so softly no one else could see it, and at first he was content to observe her from a distance. After a while, though, his curiosity got the better of him and he started seeking her contact, systematically handing in his books when she was the one at the returns desk. She was wary of him after their initial encounter, but he could tell he had piqued her interest.

 

“Did you really read all that in a week?” she finally blurted out when he shoved a pile of five books on statistics towards her.

 

“Only three out of the five. But then there’s barely any text in there, it’s all formulas.”

 

“Child’s play, then,” she’d replied, trying very hard to remain serious.

 

A few days later, he only handed her a slim tome but she seemed disposed to talk to him again. “More statistics, huh?”

 

“It’s my major.”

 

“Why did you choose that?”

 

“People assume it’s boring and never ask me questions.”

 

There was a spark of delight in her hazel eyes that made his chest quiver. “I’m majoring in mechanical engineering. People assume it’s scary and pretend they don’t have any.”

 

After that, their interactions had relaxed somewhat, even though they still barely talked. They started to give little waves to each other across the empty expanse of the tables. Ben grew bolder, bumping into her on purpose when she was putting books back on the shelves, just so he could brush against her without that damn desk between them.

 

 _What_ _do you think you’re_ _doing?_ the more reasonable part of him sometimes asked. _It’s nothing_ , the unreasonable part stubbornly replied. No use trying to explain how her presence soothed him and thrilled him at the same time, because it would not go any further.

 

Until it did. Until entering one evening, Ben caught the sound of Rey laughing at something her coworker said – a fluttering, crystalline laugh that replayed on a loop in his head for hours, even when he’d returned home, and warped dangerously into the question of _what other sounds could come out of her throat_ as he lay in the dark.

 

It was crazy. He knew he had to stop. But not now, later, when things would be less stressful, after the party was over and done with. He needed to see her tonight, just to salvage this wreck of a day.

 

When he crossed the threshold of the library, Ben realized he would have no such luck. For some unfathomable reason, there was someone else at the returns desk, and Rey was nowhere to be seen.

 

He could have asked why she wasn’t there, feigning concern. He could have taken all his anger out on her replacement. He could have waited, heart brimming with hope that she’d show up like some fucking idiot desperate for a date.

 

But that was not Ben Skywalker. That was not Kylo Ren. He simply turned around, and tucked his rage away for later. You never knew when it might be useful.

 

#

 

When the night of the party finally arrived, it was still festering inside of him, untouched and growing to dangerous proportions. Ben sensed the slightest vexation would set him off, but luckily, Hux sensed it too and made sure everything was running smoothly. Snoke had talked to the dean, the authorization had been given without any guarantees in return, everyone was wearing a proper suit and there wasn’t a keg of beer in sight at the drinks table.

 

In fact, the only problem Ben was currently facing was that he was tucking into his fourth vodka on the rocks. So far the strong spirits had not managed to numb his senses enough that he could actually enjoy himself.

 

“Your house is like, really incredible,” a perky brunette was telling him. Her unnaturally flawless skin and lips were throwing him off and making it difficult to feel like he was talking to an actual human being. “I mean, all the girls of Sigma Tau were super stoked to be invited. I totally hope we can organize common events this year.”

 

Right. Sorority leader. Ben downed his glass. “Sure.”

 

“Really? That’s like, so amazing!”

 

“Excuse me.”

 

He set his empty glass on the table and headed towards the bathroom. The atmosphere of the living room was suffocating him. _Focus_ , he told himself while he splashed water on his face. _Remember why you’re here. You’re the leader. They look up to you and you decide._

 

He exited the bathroom and returned to the party, determined to find the brunette again. Sigma Tau was a prestigious sorority and it would be to their advantage to work with them. But before he could spot her in the crowd, he noticed Brad at the foot of the stairway gripping a girl’s arm. She was much slighter than he was, and couldn’t pull away.

 

“Come on,” he slurred, “it’s a party, let’s have fun.”

 

“Leave me alone!” the girl shouted, and despite her tight dress she kicked him hard on the shin.

 

“Ow! Shit! You’re a firecracker, aren’t you? I like that.”

 

Ben stalked over to him. The fury was bubbling up now, and damn if Brad wasn’t the perfect target for it. He grabbed his collar and flung him against the bannister. “What the fuck, man? Let her go right now!”

 

The girl, suddenly freed, looked up to him and both of them froze for a moment, stunned. Ben dropped Brad’s collar. He hadn't recognized her with her hair in loose curls and her makeup, but up close...

 

“Rey,” he said before he could stop himself. “What on earth are you doing here?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update a little earlier than usual this week :D but there might not be a chapter up next week for dumb professional reasons... D: I'll do my best!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : this chapter contains non-consensual grabbing, touching and propositioning (it's the same scene we saw in the previous chapter, but from Rey's point of view, and it's a bit longer as well).

It had all started when Poe had invited a few members of the Resistance to meet in his room instead of their usual hangout.

 

“Why do you suppose we’re not meeting at the coffee shop?” Rey had asked Rose as they arrived at the dorm.

 

“No idea, but I sure hope he's got a bigger room than ours or we'll be out in the hallway,” Rose had replied. “Do you know if Finn will be there?”

 

“Yeah, he told me he was coming this morning after class. Why?”

 

“No reason, just curious.”

 

Rey bit back a smile. Obviously her friend wasn’t ready to tell her about the massive crush she had developed for Finn and Rey didn’t want to push the issue. But in the meantime, it was rather amusing to watch her trying to hide it and failing miserably.

 

Once they reached Poe’s room, they spotted Finn sitting on the edge of the bed and sat cross-legged on the ground next to him. There were only a handful of people there, all of whom Rey recognized as regulars of the coffee shop gatherings.

 

“Hi girls,” Poe greeted them with a warm smile. “You’re the last ones to arrive, so that means we can finally start.”

 

“Oh, sorry, are we late?”

 

“No, don’t worry,” Finn joked. “We just got here early because we have nothing else to do.”

 

“Well, that’s about to change,” Poe said, taking a seat on his desk chair. “Most of you know why we’re here, but I’ll elaborate for those who have just joined our cause a few weeks ago. Now that we’ve settled into the school year, we can focus on our biggest problem: the Alpha Alpha fraternity, aka the First Order.”

 

“A fraternity?” Rey asked, surprised. “Like… guys living in a house and playing football on the lawn and drinking beer?”

 

“Well, this isn’t exactly your usual frat filled with jocks pledged during Greek Week. It’s much more exclusive – and thus much worse. Think of it as a secret society whose members are the richest, most entitled, most arrogant brutes you can imagine. From what we know, their first event of the year is dinner in a private room at the Ambassadors, which regularly tops the list of the five-star establishments in the state.”

 

“And yes, they actually do call themselves the First Order unironically, in case you were wondering,” Finn added. Rose and Rey exchanged a look, trying hard not to giggle.

 

“So why should we care about a bunch of rich kids getting their rocks on with their parents’ money?” Poe continued. “Well, we care because Alpha Alpha represents everything that’s wrong with our system. They’ve always been able to get away with things that are theoretically forbidden on campus: wild parties, disorderly behavior, driving under the influence, a blatantly racist and classist selection system. And yet they don’t get so much as a slap on the wrist for it!”

 

Rey felt Rose tense and glanced at her. For some reason, all the amusement had suddenly drained from her face.

 

“The authorities will do nothing. We’ve brought the problem to their attention countless times, but someone higher up always pulls the strings to let Alpha Alpha off the hook. So this year, I’ve decided that the time for words has passed and the time for action has come.”

 

“What do you have in mind?” a blonde girl called Kaydel asked. “A protest of some kind?”

 

“No – direct action,” Poe stated. “Taking justice into our own hands. They’re having their first party this weekend, which would be the perfect opportunity to send a clear message.”

 

“You want to crash the party and spike the punch?” Finn said.

 

Poe’s lips curved into a mischievous grin. “Not exactly. Since these assholes think they’re above the campus rules concerning curfew, we’re going to force a blackout on them.”

 

A murmur of approval ran through the group. “Sabotaging their electric system,” Finn said, nodding. “Now we’re talking.”

 

“The reason you’re here is because I know I can trust you with this plan. We’re going to need volunteers to slip inside that beautiful house of theirs while they’re busy downing shots and effectively destroy their fuse box.”

 

“Isn’t that basically breaking and entering?” Kaydel asked.

 

“Only if we get caught, so we better not.”

 

“I’m in,” Rose said immediately.

 

Finn looked impressed. “Wow. You got some guts on you, Tico.”

 

“I just think it’s a good plan,” she mumbled, blushing.

 

“Excellent,” Poe said. “Finn’s the only one here who knows how to damage their fuse box in a way that’ll make it impossible to prove it was tampered with. I’ve studied the blueprints of the house so I know how to get inside. Rose, you’ll come too to watch our backs. The rest of you will be in strategic positions in the perimeter to look out for cops. And… we’ll need someone to actually be inside the house while we deal with the fuse box, just to warn us if someone decides to go down to the basement. Rey, that’s you.”

 

Rey almost jumped in her seat. “Me? Seriously?”

 

“Those pigs will be less suspicious of a girl, especially if she’s wearing a short dress and heels and acting ditzy,” Kaydel explained. “Just say you’re from Sigma Tau and they won’t ask you any questions.”

 

“That, and you’re a freshman, so they don’t know who you are yet – or who you hang out with,” Poe said.

 

“Right,” Rey agreed, although her head was spinning at the idea of having such a key role to play. “That makes sense.”

 

“Wait, what will she do if some drunken idiot comes on to her?” Rose asked. “You all know how those parties are. It’s not a safe situation for her to be in.”

 

“Of course, we don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Poe assured her. “Rey, if you’re in trouble, you just send ‘SOS’ with your phone. We’ll be right downstairs and we’ll come running up, consequences be damned. And anyway, it’s up to you if you want to do it or not.”

 

Rey hesitated for a moment. It was risky, of course, but the desire to prove herself in Poe’s eyes and show that she was serious about the Resistance was too strong. “I’ll do it.”

 

“I knew I could count on you," he beamed. "Now, let’s lay out the plan and get organized.”

 

#

 

The next few days passed in a blur. Rey had asked to be relieved of a few shifts at the library in order to get ready. Not that there was any physical preparation involved, at least not in the traditional sense, but there were certainly many attempts to be made before she and Rose could manage a passable hairdo and makeup that looked halfway decent. Kaydel had conjured up a tight black dress that stopped just above her knee and some black heels for her to wear, and Rey wobbled across her room over and over again until she got used to them. Rose was kind enough not to laugh.

 

Yet despite spending every free hour focused on the mission, there was a corner of Rey’s mind that simply would not be rid of Ben Solo – or Skywalker, as he’d asked to be called. As put off as she’d been the first time they’d talked, his regular visits at the returns desk had worn her impression down until all that remained was a strange fascination. Who was this tall, brooding man who never smiled and whose only apparent interest was advanced statistics? Why did she feel like she had a connection to him? And most importantly, why did the library feel so empty when he wasn’t there, and so saturated with his presence when he was?

 

She couldn’t explain it with words. But when he’d accidentally brushed up against her in a narrow aisle, glancing down at her with those dark eyes of his, her body had seemed to figure out the answers to all these questions in one sweeping rush. Rey wondered if it would happen again and if she would feel the same rush, though deep inside she knew _wonder_ was a kind word to define the aching want that she barely kept under the surface.

 

No matter. There would be time to deal with that after the Alpha Alpha party. She was dressed, made up, ironed smooth, and in sight of Tyler House. It was time to show everyone what she was made of.

 

Resisting the urge to tug on the hem of her skirt to pull it down, Rey walked up to the door of the elegant mansion. She tried to throw her shoulders back and look confident like Poe had told her – if he had trusted her with this essential mission, surely that meant she was capable of pulling it off – yet the thought that she was going to trip on those stupid heels any second never left her mind.

 

Two stocky young men were posted at the entrance, but they were holding drinks and laughing boisterously; when Rey approached them, their required suspicion was already dulled by alcohol, and their appraisal of her was less wary than it was lecherous.

 

“Sorry, I’m with Sigma Tau,” she said, flashing them a smile in spite of the crawling feeling on her skin. “I had a little accident with my dress and had to change before joining my friends...”

 

“No problem, sweetheart, they’re all inside,” one of the boys said with a grin. “Have fun.”

 

The other boy opened the door and she slipped inside. _I’m in_ , she quickly texted to Poe. Now her only objective was to make to make sure no one opened the door under the stairs that led to the basement, and as soon as the power was cut, she was out of there. Nothing too complicated. What could go wrong?

 

The lights were already dim inside the house, and the sleek, well-dressed crowded swayed from room to room to the sound of electronic music, glass tumblers in hand. As she passed the boys in dark suits and the girls with shiny hair and sullen pouts, a sickening dread grew in the pit of her stomach. Even with an expensive dress and a face full of makeup, she had never felt so out of place in her life. She teetered over to the drinks table, hoping a glass would give her a little countenance. Her phone vibrated inside her bag.

 

_Coast clear. On our way._

 

Slightly relieved, Rey posted herself at the foot of the stairs, a glass in her left hand while she swiped aimlessly on her phone with the other, pretending to type a message. That ought to make her look less suspicious for a few minutes – not that anyone had noticed her so far, thank goodness.

 

“Excuse me, do we know each other?”

 

Rey’s heart skipped a beat and she glanced up from her phone. A young man was standing next to her - no, not next to her, _much too close to her_. And although “handsome” was the first adjective that came to mind on a superficial level to qualify him, with his even features and blonde hair and blue eyes, she immediately felt a strong sense of repulsion.

 

“Sorry, no,” she said, then turned back to the screen of her phone.

 

“Come on, I’m sure I’ve already seen you around campus,” he insisted, and a waft of something strong, like whiskey or brandy, hit her nose. “What’s your name?”

 

“Susan,” she lied, taking the first name that popped into her head.

 

“Well, Susan, you’re a freshman, aren’t you? You look like a freshman. This your first party?”

 

Rey gripped her phone a little tighter. This time she was really texting. _Hurry up,_ _idiot_ _being a nuisance._

 

“Yeah, sort of.”

 

“Well, I’m Brad – Bradley Snoke. I’m in the First Order, so if you want me to show you around the house...”

 

 _SOS????_ came Poe’s reply.

 

“I’m good, thanks.”

 

“Look, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity you don’t want to miss, trust me,” Bradley said, snaking his arm around her shoulders. “You will not regret this.”

 

“I said I’m good,” she shot back, firmly this time, but when she tried to shrug off his arm, he grabbed her wrist instead, and her glass crashed to the ground.

 

“Come on, it’s a party, let’s have fun.”

 

Her mind raced but couldn’t latch on to a coherent thought and instinct took its place. “Let me go!” she cried, and kicked him as hard as she could.

 

He winced but his vice-like grip only tightened. “Ow! Shit! You’re a firecracker, aren’t you?” he growled, his lurid drunkenness was giving way to something that was much more like anger – and much more frightening. “I like that.”

 

She balled her fist, determined to punch him right in the eye, but before she could, someone else clambered over and launched himself at Bradley, pinning him against the bannister and freeing her at last.

 

“What the fuck, man? Let her go right now!”

 

That voice. That black hair. That massive frame. Rey looked on, wide-eyed, as Ben Skywalker loomed over his opponent, his expression radiating with raw fury. Then he glanced towards her and it evaporated in an instant.

 

“Rey. What on earth are you going here?”

 

“I… I...”

 

Bradley straightened his shirt. “Hey man, honest mistake,” he told Ben in a jovial tone, although Rey could still hear the anger simmering underneath. “I didn’t know she was yours.”

 

“You’re damn right she is,” Ben growled. “Now back the fuck off.”

 

Bradley held up his hands in a placating manner and strolled away as if nothing had happened. Ben turned towards Rey again. The initial shock of seeing her there had given way to guarded animosity. He stared at her for a moment, arms crossed.

 

“Want to explain it to me here, or should we go somewhere else?”

 

“You mean outside?”

 

“No, I mean, in my room.”

 

He lived here. He was part of this fraternity, of the First Order. And Bradley Snoke had obeyed him without even putting up a fight. She pushed the overwhelming wave of conflicting emotions asides for a moment and tried to focus: _the mission_. She had to distract Ben, steer him away. She gave a short nod and followed him as he started up the stairs, discretely glancing at her phone.

 

_You ok? Should we crash?_

 

Rey hesitated, then typed a quick reply. _Idiot_ _gone. Proceed._ She was going deeper into the enemy’s den, yet her gut feeling with Ben was radically different than it had been with Bradley.

 

They climbed up two flights of stairs to a large room with minimal but impeccable decoration. Ben switched on a lamp and stood next to the window, as far from her as he could. Even her state of abject disappointment at discovering that not only was Ben not who she imagined him to be, but was in fact the exact opposite of what she’d hoped, she couldn’t help but marvel at how he seemed to absorb all the light around him, and how captivating it made him.

 

“I can imagine only two reasons to explain your presence here,” he said after a few moments. “Either you crashed the party in to seek me out...”

 

“No!” she blurted out before she could stop herself. “I didn’t even know you lived here!”

 

“… or you’re part of Poe Dameron’s group and you’re on a mission to harm the First Order.”

 

Her face blazed with embarrassment at being uncovered so easily, nonetheless she pressed her lips together and didn’t say a word. He wasn’t going to get anything out of her.

 

“What is it then?” he asked with a weary sigh. “Are you just a spy? Or perhaps you were meant as bait for one of us – preferably someone high profile, like Bradley Snoke for example?”

 

“Bait?” She gave a scoff of disgust. “I shouldn’t be surprised someone from Alpha Alpha can’t see a woman as anything else.”

 

Ben’s expression grew darker. “You don’t know the first thing about us.”

 

“Your friend down there gave me a pretty good sense of what goes on around here.”

 

“I’ll admit Brad is… a problem. A problem _I_ rescued you from, I might add. What was Dameron thinking, sending you alone in here?”

 

“Yes, you rescued me then…” She wanted to swivel past his question about Poe, but found her breath hitching at the memory of his exact words. “Then you said I was _yours_ , like some kind of object.”

 

“I said it because it was the most efficient way to get rid of him,” he replied dismissively. “That’s the only terms he understands: territory and possession.”

 

“And you don’t?”

 

“Not for people, no – or at least not people like you.”

 

She couldn’t tell if he was insulting her or paying her a compliment, but the intensity of his gaze was making it hard for her to think clearly. Unbidden in her mind came the memory of how close they’d been in that aisle, how they could have touched if she’d moved just a few inches – _no, focus. He’s not that person._ Yet he was, standing right in front of her, and surely he must remember…

 

Her train of thoughts came to a crashing halt when the lamp flickered off. There was half a second of stunned silence before shouts arose from downstairs.

 

“Shit,” she heard Ben mumble, then felt him passing next to her to head towards the door.

 

He would go straight to the basement. Because of her, he knew Poe was behind this. She had to buy them time to get out of there.

 

Acting on sheer impulse, she reached out to grab the lapels of his black vest and pulled him down to her, pressing her lips against his.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: just want to make it clear in case someone gets the wrong idea from the beginning of the chapter, there will be absolutely NO non-con between Rey and Ben in this story. Sexytimes might be angsty as hell but they will be 100% approved of by both parties ;)

Ben would later blame the four tumblers of vodka he'd had for what happened in the next minutes after Rey kissed him.

 

Yes, the vodka would explain it - either that, or the build up of anger from before, or the shock of finding out that Rey had been recruited by Dameron's gang. (Although, when he thought about it once his mind had cleared, it made perfect sense that Dameron would zero in on a naive, bright-eyed library nerd who favored canvas sneakers, lumberjack shirts and distressed jeans; that kind of profile was like dangling candy in front of his eyes, impossible to resist.) Whatever the cause, he wasn't in his normal mental state, or else he never would've…

 

No. It was her. She had thrown him completely off-balance from the start, and though he had managed to regain his self-control before they made their way to his room, he knew he was walking on thin ice. Instinctively, he had positioned himself as far away from her as he could, although in hindsight, it might have also been a way to prove to her that he didn't have the same nefarious intentions as Brad. Not that it kept her from making sweeping generalizations.

 

“I shouldn’t be surprised someone from Alpha Alpha can’t see a woman as anything else.”

 

“You don’t know the first thing about us.”

 

“Your friend down there gave me a pretty good sense of what goes on around here.”

 

Which is precisely why he was trying so hard to reign in idiots like Brad and improve the First Order’s image – but even if he tried to explain himself, she would never understand. “I’ll admit Brad is… a problem. A problem _I_ rescued you from, I might add. What was Dameron thinking, sending you alone in here?”

 

 _And dressed like that_ , he nearly added, but stopped himself just in time. Her attempt at passing as a sorority girl was amusingly transparent, nonetheless there was something about seeing her in that short, tight dress that stirred his baser urges, and he hated himself for it - hated himself for noticing her athletic legs, the gentle swell of her breasts, the curve of her hip that was the perfect size and shape to fit his hand…

 

"Yes, you rescued me then..." Her breath caught a little. "Then you said I was _yours_ , like some kind of object."

 

He had said that, and it came so naturally it rang disturbingly true, even to his ears. “I said it because it was the most efficient way to get rid of him,” he tried to justify. “That’s the only terms he understands: territory and possession.”

 

“And you don’t?”

 

Ben observed her for a moment. The makeup and the dress couldn't completely shroud her light - she would never be anyone's property. “Not for people, no – or at least not people like you.”

 

They looked at each other, and Ben could feel his words hanging between them, filling the room with something they didn't want to name.

 

Then the lights went out.

 

The surprise lasted a split second before realization and rage took over. _Dameron_. That scumbag had somehow sabotaged their electricity. An uproar came from the ground floor.

 

"Shit," Ben mumbled. He had to go down there before some drunken idiot ran to the basement to check the fuse box, tripped in the dark and smashed his head in.

 

But before he could reach the door, he felt Rey grab the lapels of his vest, and then her mouth was on his.

 

He should push her away. He should tend to his guests. He should most definitely not let himself be kissed by someone from Dameron's gang who was probably just trying to buy time. But when her lips started the move against his, all the _shoulds_ dissolved into _must_. He must snake his arm around her waist, bring her closer, feel the heat radiating from her body. He must plunge his other hand in her hair, dishevel that perfect hairdo, deepen their kiss. He must do whatever it takes to make this last as long as possible.

 

Rey groaned against his mouth and desire coursed through him like liquid fire. He pressed her small frame against his, as if by doing so he could swallow her whole, but she gave back as good as she got, gripping his vest with such force he could practically imagine the seams ripping. He'd always been slightly repulsed by the sloppiness of passion, the mess it created inside and out, but now he realized it was because he'd never really experienced passion before. Passion wasn't a slippery slope to vulgarity and crassness, it was a cleansing pyre that consumed everything, stripped you down and left you completely bare.

 

Or at least, that's what he figured, because before he could explore the notion further, Rey broke away from him and bolted out the door, leaving nothing but darkness behind her.

 

Ben knew it was no use to run after her. He leaned against the door frame, trying to catch his breath, willing his head to stop spinning. His desire weighed in his veins, heavy like molten metal, a useless burden now. He dragged himself out of the room and down the stairs. When he arrived in front of the basement door, Hux was already there, holding a flashlight.

 

“Where were you?” he demanded. “This is a disaster! I thought we’d calculated that we could plug in the sound system without having any problems!”

 

“It’s not the sound system,” Ben replied. “It’s Dameron and his band of saboteurs.”

 

“Are you certain?”

 

“Positive. And I’m willing to bet we won’t be able to fix it without calling an electrician.”

 

The look on Hux’s face was horrified, but to Ben it was just as well. He wanted this party over and done with, and in a strange way Dameron had given him the perfect excuse to send everyone home. Maybe he should thank him if he crossed paths with him on campus, right before punching him in the face.

 

#

 

The man in the dungarees scrunched up his nose at the fuse box and put his miniature flashlight back in his pocket.

 

“Sure, I can fix this. It’ll take me about an hour.”

 

“Do you know what caused this?” Ben asked him.

 

“Age, overuse, a fluke… Hard to say in cases like these. I could take some stuff apart and poke around a little, but it’ll take me longer to repair it.”

 

Ben and Hux exchanged a look. “No matter,” Ben replied darkly. “Just get it working again.”

 

They left the man to his work and climbed up the stairs of the basement into the hall.

 

“They’ve made it impossible for us to prove they’re behind this,” Ben muttered. “I heard Dameron's second-in-command, Finn Storm, was an electronics whiz kid, but I had no idea he was so well-versed in sabotage.”

 

“This can’t be happening,” Hux spat. “We have to go to the authorities with circumstantial evidence! If only we could prove they entered the house, or even that they were in the general area when it happened...”

 

“Well, we can’t,” Ben replied brusquely. “So drop it.”

 

Hux narrowed his eyes. “By the way, you never told me where you were when the lights went out.”

 

“That’s none of your business.”

 

“I’m not prying, I...”

 

“How is that not prying? Do you think I sabotaged the fuse box myself?”

 

“No, of course not. This isn’t about the fuse box. I just feel you’re not being completely honest with me.”

 

Ben willed himself not to flinch. This conversation was veering in a dangerous direction. “Forgive me if I don’t want to disclose every detail of my evening to you.”

 

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with Brad, would it? I expected him to be bragging about his conquests, as usual, but he’s been… oddly subdued.”

 

“Why don’t you ask him instead of pestering me?”

 

It was a calculated risk. Brad didn’t know who Rey really was, but if he told Hux or anyone else that they’d been fighting over a girl, the brothers would start talking, and Ben wanted his business to stay his business – especially in this case. However, Hux was hesitating, unsure if the trouble was worth the information he’d get out of it.

 

“Never mind,” he said finally. “The important thing now is to think about what to do about Dameron’s organization – the so-called Resistance.”

 

“Glad you see things my way. I was thinking -”

 

But before he could finish, he felt his phone vibrate and took it out of his pocket. It was Snoke calling. An uncanny feeling of dread settled in his stomach. Once a week was the usual frequency of his calls, almost like clockwork, and given that they had only spoken on the phone a few days before, he had no trouble guessing what this was about. Brad had kept quiet all right, just not to his good old grandad.

 

“Sorry, I have to take this,” he mumbled, and headed out the front door. He waited until he was on the lawn to pick up. “Hello, Senator. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 

“Ben, my boy! I trust your party was a success?”

 

Ben’s throat tightened. “Yes and no. We got into a spot of trouble with Dameron’s group.”

 

Snoke sighed. “That’s quite unfortunate. But I’m certain you’ll know how to handle it. It is your role as leader, after all.”

 

“Certainly, sir. Hux and I were just discussing it.”

 

“Good. There’s nothing that can’t be achieved with determination and focus. Which means that one must be careful not be distracted by superfluous pursuits.”

 

Ben bit his lip. The hatchet blow was coming, so he might as well make amends. “Sir, if this is about what happened with Brad...”

 

“I don’t care about Brad,” Snoke snapped. “In fact, when he called me to complain, I told him to stop whining and man up. I do, however, care if my designated successor is making a fool of himself by getting into a brawl over some sorority tart.”

 

“It wasn’t like that -”

 

“Don’t contradict me,” he barked, then softened his tone. “I know what youths get up to, and that’s perfectly normal. But I feel that someone with your potential shouldn’t abase himself to what you can find on a college campus, even one like Everton.”

 

“I’m… I’m not sure I understand.”

 

“Why don’t you come to the city this week? Next Friday, for example? I’m receiving a civic award of some kind and they’re throwing a small cocktail party in my honor. Some important people will be there and it would be in your interest to meet them.”

 

Ben had expected some sort of punishment, not a reward in the form of a cocktail party. But then, Snoke might simply be testing his loyalty. In any case, he was in no position to refuse. “I’ll be there.”

 

“Wonderful. And in the meantime, no more fooling around. Do I make myself clear?”

 

“Perfectly clear,” Ben replied.

 

Snoke hung up and Ben slipped the phone back into his pocket, sinking down to sit on the lush lawn. _My designated successor_ , the senator had said. _Someone with your potential._ He knew exactly which words to use to reel Ben back in each time. He, better than anyone else, had perceived his all-consuming ambition, his hunger for recognition after being left to his own devices by his selfish father, his ineffectual mother and even his prudish uncle. In fact, the only other occasion where he felt someone had immediately been attuned to his innermost self was…

 

_Rey._

 

Ben closed his eyes. Images and sensations from the night before surged up in his mind, imprisoning him in a painful yet delectable bind. Try as he might, he could not bring himself to denounce Rey, even if it meant taking Dameron down. It was not the ambition, not the pride, not the spirit of endeavor she had tapped into – it was something else entirely, something even Snoke was unaware of. And something he would do well to bury deep inside himself for the foreseeable future.

 

He had his orders. There was nothing else to do but obey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for leaving such lovely comments and/or giving kudos! I'm really happy you like this story and knowing you're into it has me so pumped that I've started writing on my phone whenever I'm on the bus ^^


	8. Chapter 8

They had celebrated their success at the bar opposite the street from the coffee shop, where the owner, a friend of Maz, wasn’t too hell-bent on checking IDs. Poe was so ecstatic he had paid for a bunch of pitchers of beer and margarita mix, and every time they filled their cups again they clinked them together with a raucous cheer.

 

“All I can say is that you guys are the best,” Poe said in lieu of speech. “The First Order will long remember this party and I will long remember the sound of Rose telling Finn – and I quote – to _grow a_ _fucking_ _pair_ when he panicked because I took a while longer than planned to pick the lock.”

 

The group erupted in laughter and Rose covered her face with her hands, but she was laughing too. “I’m so sorry!” she told Finn, who was standing next to her. “It was in the heat of the moment!”

 

“Don’t be, I’m glad someone else than Poe has started to kick me around,” Finn joked. “But I think we should raise our glasses to the true hero of the night, Miss Rey Jones, who endured far worse than any of us here because she actually had to see the members of the First Order.”

 

They all clapped and Rey bit back a smile, pleased but embarrassed. “It wasn’t _that_ bad.”

 

“You’re just saying that because you secretly love the dress and the shoes,” Kaydel said, and handed her a cup of margarita.

 

The drink was deliciously cold and sweet, and Rey found herself downing it much quicker than she should. Soon another glass was in her hand and she was sitting a small table with Kaydel, Finn and Rose, recounting her adventure. “That guy, Bradley Snoke, is so creepy, he’s like a Ken doll from hell.”

 

“I was really worried when we got your message,” Rose said. “You hadn’t sent the SOS but we were about to barge up there when you texted to say it was fine.”

 

“Please tell me you kicked him in the nuts,” Finn said.

 

“Actually, no. I… got rescued, sort of.” Rey hoped the dim light of the bar hid the blush that was tinging her cheeks. She had avoided telling this part of the story so far because it edged too near to what had come afterward, and the last thing she needed was another reason to replay the scene that was haunting her thoughts: Ben pressing her against him, sliding his fingers into her hair, spurring her on so that their kiss became more and more volatile... She shifted on her seat and continued. “This guy grabbed Snoke and told him to stop and he did.”

 

“Wait, what guy?” Kaydel asked. “A brother from Alpha Alpha?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe. I think so, yes.”

 

“What did he look like?”

 

_Tall, dark, elegant, mesmerizing_. “A pretty big guy, strong, black hair, dressed in black too.”

 

Kaydel’s jaw dropped. “Holy shit. You got rescued by Ben Skywalker?”

 

Hearing his name gave Rey a slight jolt. “You know him?”

 

“Do I know him? _Everyone_ knows who Ben Skywalker is. We were thinking he might have been elected as leader of the First Order, but if that other guy backed off without a fight, I guess that confirms it.”

 

“So you’d heard of him before?”

 

“Oh yeah, definitely. The Skywalker family is legendary around here. They’ve got ties to Everton College that go way back.” Kaydel leaned forward, as if she was getting ready to tell them a tale worth hearing, and they crowded closer around the table. “Okay, so have you ever heard of Anakin Skywalker?”

 

Rey frowned, remembering the first pang of familiarity she’d felt when Ben had mentioned the name Skywalker. “Yeah, I think I must have, but I can’t really put my finger on it...”

 

“Wait,” said Rose, “isn’t that the name of the building where all the chemistry labs are?”

 

“Correct,” Kaydel replied. “Anakin Skywalker donated a huge amount of money to the college during his lifetime and they named the lab center after him. He was your prototypical self-made man: born from nothing to a single mother, worked hard and sacrificed everything to build an empire, the whole schtick.”

 

“He was also incredibly gifted in mechanical engineering,” noted Finn. “Guy was a genius. I’ve read his book on re-imagining the combustion engine a zillion times.”

 

“Sometimes I forget what a massive nerd you are,” Kaydel teased him, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, Anakin had two children, Luke and Leia Skywalker - twins, actually. Luke traveled all around the world, spent a few years in an ashram in India, and became an expert in transcendental meditation. Then he came back here, started to live off the land in complete poverty and founded an alternative school for high-potential but troubled teenagers. I’ve read a bunch of _his_ books, they’re really enlightening.”

 

“Wow,” Rey said. “So his father was a tycoon and he drops everything to become some sort of monk. That’s amazing.”

 

“But wait till you hear about Leia. She went the traditional college route - at Everton, of course - but got deeply involved in the women’s lib movement and other political causes. She participated in all sorts of student protests and civil disobedience acts, and even got arrested a few times – some say that her own father called the cops on her. Then she founded a civil rights non-profit called Organa...”

 

“Oh, I love Organa!” Rose exclaimed. “They do such wonderful work!”

 

“Yeah, Leia’s a role model. Poe basically worships her, and we in the Resistance like to think of ourselves as her heirs.”

 

Rey shook her head in disbelief. “How do you even know all this?”

 

“Actually, my girlfriend writes for a feminist newsletter and interviewed her last year for a series on inspirational women. I was lucky enough to be there for the interview and Leia is just incredible.”

 

“So how is Ben Skywalker related to them?” Rey asked, although she could already guess Kaydel’s answer.

 

“Leia is Ben’s mother. Hard to believe, right?”

 

“What about his dad?”

 

“His name was Han Solo. He traveled around with Luke when they were young and then married Leia, but I’m not quite sure what his occupation was. Leia didn’t really want to get into that during the interview, but she mentioned a few times what a strain her commitment had put on her marriage and family life.”

 

“With parents like that, it’s a shame Ben Skywalker turned out to be such a sleazeball,” Finn said.

 

Rey laughed and took another swig of her drink. Finn was right – all her friends were right. And that could only mean that what she’d done with Ben was wrong. The intention behind it had been noble enough, sure, but the veneer of righteousness couldn’t completely hide the plain, ugly truth: it had gone far beyond that. She had let it go beyond that. No, worse, she had _wanted_ it to. It was like she had become another person in Ben’s arms, yet she also felt like she was discovering a part of herself she had never bothered to examine, and the potential it held was both terrifying and thrilling.

 

She just wasn’t sure yet which way the scales were tipping.

 

 

#

 

 

Finn insisted on walking Rose and Rey to their dorm after they left the bar, though Rey suspected it wasn't only out of gallantry.

 

“I’m pretty sure Finn’s into you,” she whispered to Rose as they were waiting for him outside, bolstered by the drinks she’d had. This was the first time she'd had more than a few sips of alcohol, and she was pleased at how it miraculously turned cumbersome thoughts into bubbly ideas. “You should ask him out!”

 

Rose’s already flushed complexion became even more crimson. “Are you crazy? No way!”

 

“So you’re just going to wait until he makes his move?”

 

“Shut up, here he comes!”

 

As they walked back across campus, Rey pretended to lag behind them and Rose kept glancing back at her, trying hard to look mad, but in fact both of them were trying hard not to giggle.

 

“Okay, you’ve officially had too much to drink,” Rose said when they were back in the dorm.

 

“I am so not drunk, I’m just… a little giddy.”

 

“A little? You’re practically bouncing off the walls! Okay, into bed with you, you need to sleep this off.”

 

But sleep was the last thing on Rey’s mind. When Rose switched off the light, she lay on her bed, staring through the darkness at the ceiling, struggling to contain the energy flowing through her with growing frustration. The bubbles were popping one by one now and she was left with the same problem, and the same agitation at the lack of solutions. Since the party, she’d forced herself not to go to the library after dinner for fear of running into Ben, and he’d diligently avoided the returns desk during her shifts. But the more she thought about it, the more unfair it seemed. Why should she relinquish her favorite place on campus just because he was part of that stupid fraternity?

 

_Because you kissed him._ Rey brushed the thought asides. That kiss was… irrelevant, regardless of the effect it had had on her. It shouldn’t matter to her, and it shouldn’t matter to him. Unless it did. Unless he was under the impression she wanted to date him or something, and avoided her as a way of turning her down – wait, what if that was _really_ the case?

 

Rey sat up, her head spinning. The idea of that Ben Skywalker could believe that she had a schoolgirl crush on him was suddenly unbearable. She listened to Rose’s breathing – she was already fast asleep, how was that even possible? - and carefully slid out of bed, slipping on her sneakers and an oversized cardigan before tiptoeing out the door. She needed to find Ben immediately and set things straight.

 

Rey made her way to the library at a rapid pace, not bothering to ask herself what she should do if Ben wasn’t there. He _had_ to be. If not, then… She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to piece her reason back together. What was she _doing_?

 

She was about to turn back when she saw Ben’s familiar silhouette through the window of the library. Her reason crumbled again, and this time it wasn’t just because of the alcohol.

 

She almost ran inside the library and hurried across the room to the table where Ben was sitting, as if slowing down would inevitably lead to doubts and questions clawing their way back up. He looked up, wide-eyed, and she planted herself in front of him.

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

Ben seemed speechless for a moment, but his expression quickly returned to its usual guarded aloofness. “Here?” he murmured. “I’m not sure it’s the best place to start a shouting match.”

 

Rey looked around. There were a few other people studying, and she lowered her voice to a hiss. “Fine, whatever. Come on.”

 

He stood up and followed her to the periodicals aisle, which was out of sight of the study area and seldom visited. Rey turned to face him, arms crossed, and attempted to sound matter-of-fact. “That kiss between us – it didn’t mean anything. I just wanted to make things clear.”

 

The corners of Ben's mouth twitched but he crossed his arms too. “You shouldn’t have bothered. I didn’t think it did. I know you were just trying to give your friends some extra time to retreat.”

 

“That’s right. I suppose you’ve already told the campus authorities all about what we did.”

 

“We don’t have any tangible proof it was you. I could tell them about your presence at the party but then I don’t have any real proof of that either, and I doubt campus cops will scan my room for DNA evidence.”

 

They both fell silent. It was easy to talk about the kiss as if it had just been a quick peck, but Rey supposed he remembered just as clearly as she did what they had gotten up to. A strange sort of heat crept up her neck and her arms fell dumbly to her sides. It was likewise easy to let others call Ben a sleazeball or dismiss him as the enemy when he wasn’t right in front of her, but when he was…

 

“I’m not going to threaten you, if that’s what you fear,” he said finally. “I know you think I’m a brute but -”

 

“No, I don’t think that,” she replied. “And I don’t think you’re like those other guys you hang out with.”

 

“How would you even know?”

 

She hesitated, but she was beyond precautions at this point. “I just can’t believe someone who comes from a family like yours would -”

 

“Been doing your homework, have you?” he interrupted her, his tone noticeably colder.

 

“I didn't ask around, someone told me about them.”

 

“Well, it was a waste of breath,” he snapped. “My parents acted like idealistic teenagers their whole life, but I’m not like that. I’m a realist. I know what my potential is and I know what I want out of life.”

 

“Do you?” she said, suddenly angry again. “Then why aren’t you studying business or law like all those other guys who are only interested in money and success?”

 

“Don’t talk like you’ve got everything all figured out,” he shot back. “You come here and you’re so desperate to belong that you latch on to the first group who will accept you...”

 

“That’s not true! I’ve always shared the values of the Resistance!”

 

“I don’t doubt it. I also suppose you volunteered to infiltrate the party. That’s showing quite a lot of zeal for someone who’s been here a couple of weeks, and I’m sure Dameron commended you for it. Probably the first time anyone commended you for anything, or am I mistaken?”

 

Ben had aimed right in her weak spot, the tender and exposed flesh of her insecurity. Rey was overcome with the urge to hurt him as much as he just had. “You’re right. It was stupid of me to think you, of all people, could have anything in common with people worthy of admiration and praise, who actually did some good during their lifetime.”

 

He seemed almost amused at her indignation. “There must be _something_ I’m good at, or you wouldn’t let me stand so close to you.”

 

His words robbed her of breath for a moment, then she barreled past him, infuriated. “I happen to be _drunk_ ,” she spat before turning away to leave.

 

“Yes, that’s always a convenient excuse,” he said thoughtfully, as if he was talking to himself.


	9. Chapter 9

Snoke had sent a town car to pick Ben up from Tyler House and drive the twenty miles or so to the city. As soon as he had settled in the back seat, Ben had let his head drop back onto the plush velvet and closed his eyes. He was loathe to go all that way just so Snoke could pet him on the head, and at the same time grateful for the change of scenery. Perhaps this jaunt would finally get his mind off of everything – and by everything, he meant the thorn that pricked at him every time he thought he had regained his balance.

 

The conversation he’d had with Rey at the library had aroused so many emotions within him that he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Leaving asides the fact that she knew about his family - though exactly how much, he couldn’t be sure – he was now quite certain that her kiss the night of the party hadn’t been a fluke. Rey knew who he was and still she came to him, and not just out of a concern for transparency. No, she was drawn to him, just as much as he was drawn to her… and the way things were going, neither of them was going to a damn thing about it.

 

Ben opened his eyes again and rubbed his temples. He needed a drink, and hated that Snoke was the one who was going to provide it.

 

Half and hour later, the car pulled into a large avenue and stopped in front of a gleaming tower of glass and steel. Ben straightened his jacket and exited the car. The security guard seemed to know who he was and let him right in, and Ben was then led to the top floor of the building, which was home to an elegant reception hall with a sprawling view over the city. The sunset was drowning the skyline in a blaze of molten gold, and Ben’s mood lifted slightly.

 

“Ben, my boy! How wonderful to see you here.”

 

He turned to see Senator Snoke: nothing but a frail elderly man at first glance, yet under that grandfatherly appearance lay a razor-sharp intelligence, honed by decades of ruthless competition, and a smell for blood. Ben forced a smile.

 

“Thanks for inviting me, sir,” he said. “It’s a relief to take a break from campus life and spend some time in the real world.”

 

“Naturally,” Snoke replied, and signaled a waiter for a glass of champagne. “I have no doubt you’re bored to tears with all those dowdy professors and stuffy books. But you’ll soon be done with your master’s degree, and then the sky’s the limit for you.”

 

“I have every hope, sir.”

 

“In the meantime, let me introduce you to some of my colleagues. I’ve told them about you, of course, and they’re impatient to meet you.”

 

The senator lead Ben around the room; he had put on a particularly jovial mask tonight, which was almost more frightening than when he made no pretense of hiding his shark-like instincts. Ben politely engaged in conversation with the sombre, stern-faced suits nibbling on tiny canapes, until the real reason Snoke had invited him appeared before him, wearing a form-fitting, dark blue dress and black patent heels that were as sharp as daggers.

 

“Ben, this is Natalie Bazin, one of my interns – or should I say, my _best_ intern,” Snoke said.

 

“Pleased to meet you,” Natalie said, and Ben was speechless for a moment. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that she was easily the most attractive woman he’d ever met, with her ebony hair falling in perfect waves on her shoulders, her scintillating black eyes and her sharp cheekbones.

 

He cleared his throat and shook her hand. “Likewise.”

 

“Well, I’ll let you two chat,” Snoke said. “You should have a lot in common, seeing as you’re the only ones under forty in the room.”

 

Natalie watched him walk away, amused. “The senator has a wicked sense of humor, doesn’t he? The other interns are all afraid of him, but I think he’s terrific.”

 

“How did you end up working for him?”

 

“I’m a graduate student in political science,” she said. “I’ve always dreamed of a career in diplomacy, and working as an intern for Senator Snoke has been a wonderful experience.”

 

Ben nodded and took a sip of champagne, observing her from the corner of his eye while she gave him articulate insight on her job, peppered with witty anecdotes. Looks asides, Natalie was unlike any of the girls he’d met on campus, even those from the most prestigious sororities. True, there was the same polished quality to her stunning beauty, but the way she talked provided a glimmer, a promise of stimulating interaction in every sense of the word. She had undoubtedly been bred for the sole purpose of standing at the arm of a powerful man, able to act both as a dazzling hostess and navigate the corridors of power smoothly.

 

And now Snoke was introducing her to him – serving her on a silver platter, more like, with the implied message that this was the sort of woman he should be aiming for. He and Natalie had been carefully selected and approved, and it was only logical that they should match.

 

“The senator told me you were studying statistics at Everton,” she said. “That’s fascinating. What brought you to choose that particular field?”

 

Ben could feel a smile tug at the corner of his mouth as he remembered what he’d told Rey. _People assume it’s boring and never ask me any questions._ “I’ve always enjoyed mathematics, actually.”

 

“The abstract art of science,” Natalie replied seamlessly, flashing a smile. “I understand why you would. Are you planning on pursuing a doctoral degree and doing research, or are you going to apply it to another field?”

 

A rhetorical question, of course. She must know that the plan was for him to fill in a high position in Snoke’s firm as soon as possible and eventually go on to have an equally brilliant political career. Suddenly the champagne tasted stale, and Ben found his collar was strangling him.

 

“I’m not sure yet,” he mumbled. “Still too early to tell.”

 

“Perhaps a summer internship with the senator could help you decide. If you ever want to grab coffee and talk about the realities of the job, I’d be delighted.” She opened her black leather clutch and pulled out a card. “Here, call me any time, Ben.”

 

“I’ll keep it in mind, thanks.”

 

Natalie grinned at him, then sashayed to another group. It would be so easy, Ben thought, to let himself be lulled by the gilded perfection of this world, to date someone like Natalie, to settle into what Snoke had deemed was his rightful place. Too easy, in fact. Yes, he wanted all of this – the grandeur, the recognition, the security. Everyone here, everyone in this room was part of the chosen, and the chosen stayed amongst themselves. But why was Snoke the one to decide who was worthy of being chosen or not? What made Ben any less capable to do so? Couldn’t he have all this on his own terms, instead of being a puppet on a string?

 

Suddenly, an image bubbled up in his mind: he pictured himself being granted an award at a similar party, successful and poised, basking in glory, and at his arm stood Rey, sparkling like a jewel. All the grace, all the intelligence he had sensed within her would be free to shine, and would shine brighter than any manufactured elegance or trained wit. If he wanted to be the best, he should have the best by his side and no one else. And the best was obtained by fighting long and hard, not lazily accepting what was right in front of you.

 

His reason told him it was nothing but a crazy fantasy, but his gut instinct rebelled against the reality that made this impossible. And why not? _Why not?_

 

Ben downed his glass and glanced at his watch. Just an hour more and he could get out of here without provoking Snoke’s suspicion. He was taking a huge risk, in more ways than one, but hadn’t the senator placed his money on him precisely because he always went after what he wanted?

 

Well, now he wanted Rey, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him. _Except her_ , he thought. That would be the first and greatest obstacle to overcome.

 

 

#

 

 

Over the next few evenings, Ben quietly observed Rey in the library, mulling over his course of action. If it were any other girl, he would be devising a plan on how to make her head spin by dressing smartly, dropping names and tempting her with the promise of a night on the town in a four-star restaurant. But none of that would work with Rey. Paradoxically, the only way to make _her_ head spin would be to hit her with the blunt truth. It was pointless trying to coax her into liking him; the only thing he could do was make her realize that whether she did or not was irrelevant in the face of the powerful attraction they felt for each other.

 

Once he had determined the best way of going about it, the only thing left to do was wait for the perfect opportunity to make his move. But it wasn’t that easy: he had to corner her when no one was around to hear him, but then he didn’t want to come off as predatory. Not only did he not wish to remind her of her run-in with Brad – or, heaven forbid, make her think they were alike in any way – but he suspected that in spite of her small frame, she was strong and quick enough to give him a black eye.

 

Finally, one quiet, rainy evening, just before the end of her shift, he saw her leave the returns desk with a cart of book and disappear in one of the aisles. This was his chance. He closed his book and stood up from his chair to intercept her.

 

He found her in the astrophysics aisle, between the Solar System and black holes. When she saw him, she instinctively tensed, taking a step backwards. Ben slowed to a stop, not too close, but close enough so he could lower his voice to a murmur. “I have something to say to you and it’s important, so don’t interrupt me.”

 

She opened her mouth slightly, but reconsidered and tightened her lips, glowering at him. Ben’s heart made a strange lurch in his chest.

 

“I know you resent everything I stand for and what I’m about to tell you doesn’t make any sense to me, but here it is.” He paused, and found he was struggling to pry the words from his throat. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Rey.”

 

She dropped the book that was in her hand, stunned, then stumbled to pick it up again, her expression unreadable.

 

“I’m not asking for anything,” he continued. “I wanted to be honest with you because I think you might feel the same, and if you do there’s no reason why we couldn’t… investigate it further, whatever that entails. If you don’t, just say the word and I’ll never bother you again.”

 

He braced himself for what he hoped wasn’t coming – her telling him that he disgusted her and he was crazy if he thought she would give him the time of day. The fact that he knew it wasn’t true wouldn’t change anything if she had persuaded herself it was.

 

But Rey remained silent, frozen in place. Finally, Ben decided it was better to leave her there, and returned to his seat. No answer was ground gained over rejection, and at least he had planted the idea in her head.

 

When he saw her the following evening, reading at a table after her shift, she didn’t act any differently than usual and only gave a quick glance his way before turning back to her book. Yet Ben could sense something had shifted, and that under her calm, collected exterior, Rey was battling with what he’d told her. He had awoken the ardor he had perceived in her from the start, and he couldn’t help but feel a pleasant tingle of validation at having read her so well.

 

However, when a week had passed and she still hadn’t given him her answer, doubt was started to creep on the edge of his mind. Did she plan on simply ignoring him forever? The impulse to go to her again, demanding a clear explanation, was almost overwhelming, and in his agitated state sleep was eluding him, but spending more time at the library only made the problem worse. And yet he couldn’t keep away. He couldn’t because she was there, all the time, and he had to be as well when she would finally be ready.

 

It was ten days later, at nearly one o’clock in the morning, that he saw her rise from her chair and walk over to him.

 

Her expression was wary but soft, her eyes darker than usual but her cheeks flushed, and before she even opened her mouth, he knew he had won.

 

Just before reaching his table, she made a turn towards the aisles and he took it as a signal to follow her. He quickly realized she was leading him to the periodicals section; the library was completely deserted and still she was seeking privacy. The implication spurred Ben’s pulse into a frenzy, though he was careful to keep his distance. Rey glanced at him over his shoulder, and the look she gave him made him feel for the first time what it might be like to receive a blow to the heart.

 

“Don’t say anything,” she whispered when she turned to him. “ _Please_.”

 

He wasn’t about to take any risks, and so he waited until she took his hand and drew him to her. Only then did he take her face into his hands, closing the gap between them. Rey wrapped her arms around his neck, responding to his kiss with an eagerness that electrified him. He had always heard that victory was sweet, but had never really understood why until he tasted her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks as always to all the people who left comments and kudos <3 <3 <3 It makes my day every time! 
> 
> Sorry for the short chapter but real life is kicking my ass right now... in fact there won't be an update next week because I'll be away from home :( However, to make up for it, starting next chapter Rey and Ben will be getting into the *ahem* thick of things, and there's a good chance I'm going to change the rating from "Mature" to "Explicit" just to be on the safe side. (If you want an example of what I consider "explicit", you can check out the one-shot I posted earlier this week, and I'm not going to pretend this isn't a shameless plug but I'm actually quite proud of it.)


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m just saying, virginity is an outdated, heteronormative and patriarchal concept that’s been used to control women’s sexuality for centuries. There’s absolutely no reason to make a big deal out of so-called _losing_ yours.”

 

Rose nodded gravely at Kaydel’s words. “I totally agree with you. Virginity is bullshit.”

 

They both took a sip of their drink and Rey bit back a giggle; their serious expressions and passionate speech contrasted with their respective costumes – a witch for Kaydel, and a unicorn for Rose, which consisted in a bright pink dress with a rainbow sash, glitter makeup and a headband with a horn attached to it.

 

“It’s so cold out, why didn’t you get one of those soft, fluffy onesies?” Rey had asked her as they were getting ready. Her own costume, a cat burglar, was composed of black leggings, a black cap and a large black sweatshirt – and a cloth bag to dump her stuff in, for good measure – and what it lacked in imagination and effort, it definitely made up for in comfort.

 

“It’ll be warm inside the bar,” Rose countered, blushing. “Besides, I’ve had this dress for awhile, I don’t wear it nearly enough...”

 

“Perhaps you’re hoping someone there might notice it?” Rey suggested innocently.

 

Rose took aim at her with her hairbrush, laughing. “Shut up. _Yes_ , I’m hoping Finn might possibly

make a move tonight.”

 

“He should. Or _you_ should. Seriously, you two have been dancing around each other all week.”

 

“Now, now, all in good time. Let’s not confuse speed with haste.”

 

Rose might have said that back in the dorm, but now that they were at the AkBar for its annual Halloween party, Rey could see how she kept glancing at Finn, hoping he’d come over at their table. Meanwhile, they’d engaged with Kaydel on a conversation about feminism, which had quickly deviated on whether or not you should wait before sleeping with a guy. Rey had taken off her cap and was mostly listening; the subject was of particular interest for her, though she’d never tell her friends exactly _why_.

 

“There shouldn’t be any rules,” Kaydel insisted. “What difference does it make if you have sex for the first time with a one-night stand or someone you’ve been with for months?”

 

“Okay, see, that’s where I draw the line,” Rose said. “Not out of principle, but there’s no way in hell I’d be comfortable enough with a guy I barely know to get naked and let loose, especially if I’d never done it before.”

 

“Wait,” Kaydel asked, “are we talking hypothetically here or have you never had sex?”

 

Rose hesitated and they all burst out laughing. “Actually, I have, but it was so awkward and disappointing that I don’t even know if it should qualify.”

 

“See, that should be the real landmark - not the first time you have sex, but the first time you have _good_ sex. What about you, Rey?”

 

Rey shook her head. “Nope. I never went further than kissing throughout my school years.” Which wasn’t technically a lie, only an omission of recent developments. “And I’m going to have to side with Rose on that one, I think it takes time before you’re ready to go all the way.”

 

“You say that, but that means you haven’t yet met that one person who makes all your inhibitions fly out the window. And when you do...”

 

Kaydel wiggled her eyebrows and Rose laughed again, but Rey downed her glass quickly and turned around, scanning the crowded bar. The conversation was veering into territory that was too dangerous for her to pursue. Because she knew exactly what Kaydel meant – how someone could get under your skin, invade your thoughts, make you lose your mind and all sense of propriety just with his scent, his mouth, his hands… Just thinking about Ben and what they’d done in the library last night was making her ache with want. She needed a distraction right away.

 

“Hey guys!” she called out once she spotted Poe and Finn, dressed as a pirate captain and a disco dancer; they were leaning against the bar stool, waiting for drinks. “Guys, come over here!”

 

“Rey!” Rose squealed. “What are you doing?”

 

“What? We haven’t had a chance to talk to them all night!”

 

Just as they had reached the table and set down a new round of everyone, Rey’s phone vibrated in her pocket. She scooted her chair over to make room for the guys and quickly looked at the text message she had received. It was from Ben.

 

_Where are you?_

_Halloween party @ the AkBar._

 

A lesser man would’ve sent her a puking face – that was no doubt what he felt about such an event in such a place – but Ben never used emojis, and he always punctuated his sentences and wrote words in full, as if he couldn’t stand improper spelling or grammatical errors. It had taken her a while to pinpoint exactly why she found that particular trait so sexy, but now she understood: it made her feel like there wasn’t a horny frat boy on the other end of the line, but a real man, one who knew what he was doing and wore vests and drank vodka on the rocks and read books on statistics. And then it was easier to forget who exactly Ben Solo was and what he represented, and easier to justify why she was letting him put his hands up her shirt after hours at the library.

 

_Come later?_

_Can’t… sorry. Tomorrow?_

_Sure._

 

“So, what were you girls talking about?” Finn asked as he slid in the seat next to Rose.

“Sex stuff,” Kaydel deadpanned, and Rose almost spit out her drink. “You?”

 

“Actually, we were discussing the movie marathon happening at the Luxor this weekend,” Poe replied. “They’re showing a bunch of scary movies all night – not all that torture porn crap, real classics.”

 

He paused and looked at Finn, as if he were waiting for him to continue. “Oh right,” Finn finally said. “We were thinking it might be fun to go, you know, as a group… thing. Or not a group, just… those of us who like scary movies. I’m a big fan.”

 

“Me too!” Rose exclaimed, then started to blather on, equal halves enthusiasm and nervousness, about her favorite movies. Rey pressed her lips to keep from laughing at Finn’s attempt at asking her out on a date without being too obvious, but was sidetracked when her phone vibrated again.

 

_Miss you._

Her heart skipped a beat. This was the first time Ben had used those words. Of course, he wasn’t shy about telling her that she drove him crazy, that she was gorgeous, that he couldn’t get enough of her, but expressing something that sounded so much like a feeling was entirely new. Rey wasn’t sure how to reply, so she took a few more sips of the new drink that had been placed in front of her and let the alcohol decide.

 

_Miss your mouth._

_Like what it did to you last time?_

That was more like it.

 

_Very much so. Thought of it all day._

_Same. Hoping we could continue tonight._

Suddenly, the heat and noise of the bar were disagreeing with her, and she wanted nothing more than to get out of there and join the cool, quiet atmosphere of the library, where Ben would be waiting to relieve at the least some of the delicious pressure that was weighing down the center of her body. She squirmed in her seat, wanting to get rid of it and yet craving more.

 

_What would you have done?_

_Lift your shirt._

_Unhook your bra._

_Tease your nipples with my tongue._

_Then slide my hand down your panties._

“Rey? Are you still with us? I think we lost her.”

 

Rey abruptly put her phone down, cheeks burning. “Sorry, no, I was… A friend from back home was sending me pictures of her Halloween costume and we were catching up.”

 

“Wow, you’ve never mentioned someone from your former life before,” Rose said. “I was starting to think you’d been raised by wolves or something.”

 

“There were a few nerdy kids I was friendly with,” she replied. “But nothing like you guys, of course.”

 

“Aw, that’s so sweet of you,” Poe said, circling her shoulder to squeeze it affectionately.

 

“Jesus, Poe, why didn’t you take my advice and dress up as a Carebear?” Kaydel said. “That’s the third year in a row you’ve dragged out that damn pirate costume.”

 

As they started to banter, Rey turned back to her phone, torn between the guilt of lying to her friends and her inability to stop what she had started with Ben.

 

_Would you have let me?_

_Yes._

_Are you wet?_

Rey bit her bottom lip. When he started talking dirty to her, it was like he was addressing a whole other person that had been lurking inside in the unexplored shadows of her mind, and who was now more than happy to be let out after a long, tortuous wait.

 

_Yes…_

_I bet you are, you naughty girl. I could feel it through your jeans yesterday._

The memory of Ben cupping her through the denim fabric, creating a rough and delectable friction against her most sensitive spot, was just too much. She abruptly rose from her seat.

 

“Be right back, I have to go to the bathroom,” she said, struggling to keep her voice even.

 

She wound her way through the crowd to the back of the bar and the unisex stalls painted in black, entering the one furthest from the door. She would have to be completely silent, but she had had some practice in the last two weeks. As soon as she was locked in, she positioned herself against the wall and checked her phone.

 

_Rey?_

_I’m in the bathroom. Needed some privacy._

_For what?_

_Touching myself. Thinking of you. Wishing it was your hand._

_Fuck._

Putting a period after such a gloriously filthy expletive - how was this man even real?

 

_I’m so fucking hard right now._

Rey threw her head back against the cold tiling of the wall, eyes closed, shoved her hand inside her leggings. She was so aroused took next to nothing for her to reach her climax, and all the while she pictured Ben stroking himself - his full, luscious lips slightly parted, his strong fingers moving deftly, that strand of black hair slipping over his forehead.

 

When it was over, she felt some form of bodily relief, but her mind was just as stimulated as ever, and there was nothing much she could do about that. She flushed the toilet for show, exited the stall and washed her hands. Her phone was conspicuously quiet and a small smile curled her lips.

 

When she joined her friends again, Kaydel had left the table to speak with two girls and Finn and Rose were deep in discussion, while Poe was half-turned on his chair, trying very hard not to look like a third wheel.

 

“I think that’s my cue to go home,” she told him with a grin. “I need a glass of water, an aspirin and a few hours’ sleep or I’ll turn to dust in the sun tomorrow.”

 

“I’ll walk you,” Poe offered immediately.

 

“You sure?”

 

“Absolutely. Finn will walk Rose home, right buddy? Finn?”

 

It took another try before Finn finally looked up. “Huh?”

 

“Never mind. We’re leaving.”

 

“Oh,” Rose said, looking a bit embarrassed but mostly giddy. “I won’t be long, Rey.”

 

“You take your time,” Rey replied, sharing a look with Poe.

 

Just as she was putting her cap back on, her phone vibrated again.

 

_Sure you can’t drop by?_

She almost giggled – there was no doubt why there had been a prolonged pause in his texts.

 

_Going to bed soon, too many drinks…_

_Want me to send a car?_

_Don’t worry, it’s just a few blocks + Poe is walking me home._

She knew the instant she hit send that she had made a mistake. All that messing around had made her forget that all of them weren’t good pals. Ben _hated_ Poe, and he certainly wouldn’t like the idea of him walking her home. But then, they’d never established exclusivity. What was to say he wasn’t sleeping or sexting with sorority girls? Granted, it was a long-shot, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t possible. And the very thought made her nauseous. A sudden picture flashed through her mind of how their exchange might end if this were a proper relationship, if things weren’t so messed up, if Ben wasn’t exactly who he shouldn’t be.

 

_You tell him he better get you home safe._

_Now, now, play nice. Remember you promised to try and get along._

_Fine. Text me when you get there._

_Of course. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow for lunch._

Rey shook her head. That was an altogether more dangerous kind of fantasy. She switched her phone off and put it in her bag.

 

“You ready?” she asked Poe.

 

“Sure, let’s go.”

 

Poe’s conversation was as delightful as ever as they made their way across the quad, and Rey found it incredibly easy to be fully relaxed in his presence. Yet when she looked at him, she found herself wishing for a second that she was attracted to him, in spite of the fact that she wasn’t entirely clear on his sexual orientation. He’d mentioned a few men he had dated in passing and she’d gone with the assumption that he was gay, but then he’d talked about a girl once in ambiguous terms. And when she’d tried to ask Kaydel about it, she’d just laughed. _Everyone thinks Poe is smoking hot, regardless_ _of gender, and he reciprocates_ , was how she put it.

 

“So yeah, the Valentine’s Day flower drive is definitely a high point of the year,” Poe was saying. “You’ll love it, everyone does. You end covered in flowers and glitter and then we party all night long.”

 

“What you do is really awesome,” she replied. “I wasn’t kidding back at the bar, it’s almost like I found a family here.”

 

Poe grinned and put his arm around her again. “Is this okay?” he asked.

 

Rey was taken aback – it wasn’t unpleasant, far from it, and she was getting really cold besides, but she couldn’t if it was this friendly or more than friendly. “Um... yeah, sure.”

 

When they arrived in front of the dorm, Rey gently untangled herself to face him. “Thanks so much for walking me home – and for kicking Finn into finally asking Rose out, because I’m pretty sure he didn’t think of that movie marathon idea by himself.”

 

“You know, we could go too – like a double date?” Poe asked smoothly. “I’d really like that.”

 

Rey blushed scarlet. “Oh. Oh, um… Listen, Poe, that’s – incredibly flattering, I never thought someone like you would take any interest in someone like me... I just – I’m not ready for that kind of _thing_ yet. Sorry. I’m really sorry.”

 

Poe laughed. “It’s okay, don’t stress. I understand completely. I just wanted to let you know I’m open to the idea, that’s all.”

 

“You know, I’ve never had a boyfriend – I’ve never even been out on a proper date. So it kind of freaks me out.”

 

“Well, if you change your mind, just know that you have nothing to worry about with me. I’m not into labels – _boyfriend_ , _girlfriend_ , what does it all mean? The idea of belonging to someone is so constraining.”

 

Rey nodded, but her heart didn’t sit well with what Poe was saying. Even after they had said goodbye, she kept coming back to it, and realized the reason was because she felt like she already _did_ belong to someone – he just happened to be someone she could never really be with.

 

#

 

When she saw Ben at the library the following night and he stubbornly sat at his seat, his nose in a book, instead of meeting her eye and signaling her to meet him, Rey was miffed but not surprised. The deafening silence of her phone was telling enough: she was being punished. And Ben was being a child.

 

Fine. She wasn’t going to grovel, even though her body was protesting against her calling it an early night. Once she had finished her shift, she gathered her things and left the returns desk; if only she wasn’t in the only place on campus where you couldn’t slam doors.

 

She had taken a few steps outside when a deep, rumbling voice stopped her in her tracks. “Rey.”

 

She turned around to face Ben. “So _now_ you stop ignoring me?”

 

He zipped up his burgundy wool jacket and stepped closer to her. “I wanted us to have an explanation and we couldn’t very well do that indoors.”

 

“You’re usually not so picky on what we do indoors.”

 

“There’s usually not a lot of talking involved.”

 

A sinew of lust started to curl in her stomach. How could she be so angry at him and still want him with such unabated intensity? She used to scoff at stories like _Tristan and Isolde_ and that magic filter bullshit, but she was starting to wonder if someone hadn’t slipped one in her instant noodle cup.

 

“Let’s at least go behind the building where no one can see us,” she said, digging her hands inside her pocket and starting to walk. “I don’t want the whole campus to see you admonishing me for staying up past my curfew.”

 

“You know very well that’s not the reason I’m pissed off,” he growled, following her.

 

Once they were out of sight from the sidewalk, she turned around and crossed her arms in front of her. “I do know. But I want to hear you say it.”

 

They glared at each other for a moment, and Rey could see that Ben was just as furious as she was – and just as aroused. “I don’t like you seeing other people,” he finally relented. “Especially _him_.”

 

“Why not?” Rey shot back. “It’s not as if we’re going out or anything.”

 

“ _Going out_? What are you, in seventh grade?”

 

“Fuck you,” she spat out. “What would you call it? Dating? Hanging? _Chilling_? Or is there a special word for two people who make out in the library every damn night and send each other dirty texts but never say a word to each other in public?”

 

He hesitated before answering, but when he did, she could tell this wasn’t something he wasn’t used to saying out loud. “I’m strictly monogamous. I’ll admit I’ve had a few one-night stands but those were few and far between, and I loathe the idea of being intimate with several people at once.” He gave a little huff of disbelief. “Dealing with one person is trouble enough, why the hell would anyone choose to deal with two?”

 

She raised an eyebrow. “So you’re monogamous because you’re a misanthropist?”

 

“I thought you knew that about me.”

 

In spite of herself, she felt a tug at the corner of her mouth. He really was a piece of work. “Look,” she said in a softer tone. “I wasn’t on a date with Poe or anything, we were all at the party and I left before Rose so she and Finn could have a little privacy.”

 

It was Ben’s turn to start smiling. “The same kind of privacy you were looking for in the bathroom?”

 

Damn it, he just _had_ to bring that up. “Yeah, I’m… I’m sorry about that.”

 

“Sorry?” he repeated, surprised. “Why would you be?”

 

“I don’t know what got into me… It was a bit much, wasn’t it?”

 

Ben took her hand and brought her closer to him. “Rey, I don’t think I could ever feel it’s too much when it comes to you. If anything it’s not enough. I…” He glanced away, almost nervous. “Listen, I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.”

 

“You’re not,” she assured him.

 

“But you know I’d be more than willing to take things further, right?” he continued, his voice low and rumbling. “The idea of us together in bed… not having to hold back and stay quiet… everything I could do to you, all the ways I could give you pleasure… Would you like that?”

 

Oh God, just hearing him say the words was making her weak in the knees. But she had to make sure he realized the full implication of his proposal.

 

“I want you,” she said plainly. “All of you. But… I think you should know, I’m… inexperienced in that area.”

 

His mouth opened slightly and he cleared his throat before speaking. “Oh. You mean… Okay. It’s a good thing you told me.”

 

“Why, is that a problem?”

 

“No, not at all. It just means I have to be careful, make you comfortable – make you trust me.”

 

 _Trust_. Ben wanted her to trust him. With every moment she spent with him, the struggle to make to the two different images she had of him coincide was getting more and more daunting.

 

“To be honest,” he added, “there are a lot of things I have no experience in either - like the texting stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I mostly use my phone as a paperweight.”

 

She ran her forefinger over the zipper of his coat. “Is that so? Well, if you’re so intimidated by new technologies, why don’t we go back inside and you can show me _exactly_ what you were thinking when you sent me all those texts last night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smartphones: the next best thing to a Force Bond.
> 
> If you didn't see this in the story summary, please note that updates have been moved to Monday until I get my Internet up and running at home (not before December, unfortunately). Thank you to all those who left kudos and/or commented, you are the best <3 <3 <3


	11. Chapter 11

This was getting out of hand.

 

“Do you think you might be interested in participating in our fundraiser for the next governor’s race?”

 

Ben made the conscious effort to appear interested and receptive to what the pretty cardigan-clad blond was telling him, and an even greater effort to formulate a coherent reply. “Actually, I don’t believe Alpha Alpha has ever participated in one of those – I can’t even get the brothers to organize a car wash to pay for new light fixtures, so I’m afraid we’d be pretty helpless.”

 

She laughed. He had managed. But there was his phone, burning a hole in his pocket – no, not the phone, the series of texts he had just received.

 

_I’m alone in my dorm._

_My roommate’s out with her boyfriend, and I’ve just had a nice hot shower._

 

On the surface, nothing in Ben’s routine had changed. He went to the same classes, spent the same amount of time at the gym, had the same conversations with Hux and the brothers of Alpha Alpha. He was even more effective and assiduous at planning events, organizing life in Tyler House and completing his course work. And this – getting invited to a brunch hosted by the Daughters of the American Revolution in a handsome colonial mansion and preserved historical site - this was a coup, even for them. Yet all that was just a cover for the turmoil that was taking place inside his mind, and the images that nagged him without respite.

 

_I’m on my bed and wrapped in my towel, but I’m feeling restless._

_I kept thinking of you in the shower._

 

Rey. It was only Rey, all the time. Her smile, so open and bright, when she saw him arrive in the library. The way she responded spontaneously, without any shame, and opened for him at the slightest stroke. The lovely flush that spread over her creamy white skin and the small breathy sounds that escaped from her lips when he touched her.

 

She was hardly the blushing virgin variety, though, especially when they exchanged text messages. The contrast between her luminous innocence and her expressions of lust drove him to madness. But nothing could have prepared him for the ruthless onslaught of images she’d sent him all through the morning, ignoring his lack of response – if anything, she was spurred on by it. This was blatant revenge for the Halloween party: an eye for an eye, or whatever other body part might be more appropriate in this case.

 

_If only you had been there with me, to get me all slippery with soap and help with those hard to reach places._

 

“My cousin was in Alpha Alpha, maybe you know him? Jared Wortham?”

 

“I… I think he graduated when I arrived at Everton.”

 

Ben cleared his throat. His mouth had gone dry again at the thought of Rey alone in the shower – no, Rey with him in the shower – him running his hands all over her wet body – turning her around, bending her over while the water pounded down on them both, making her cry out as he…

 

His phone vibrated.

 

“Excuse me, I’m going to go get another mimosa.”

 

_Or maybe if you were with me right now, you could help me with my towel, it keeps slipping open._

 

Blood rushed to his groin. If he didn’t do anything, he’d soon be sporting a tent pole in his fine, expertly pressed cashmere pants.

 

_Your hands are so much better than mine at winding things nice and tight._

 

He set his glass down and asked for directions to the bathroom.

 

Once he’d entered the lovely powder-pink room decorated with pristine camellias and locked the door behind him, he nearly ripped his pants open and started to stroke himself feverishly, his head thrown back and his mind consumed with thoughts of Rey – Rey on her bed – Rey in a fluffy white towel that stopped just above her nipples, her hazel eyes dilated with arousal… _Oh Ben, I didn’t hear you come in, I didn’t mean for you to see me like that… But now that you’re here, why don’t you join me on the bed? I promise I’ll be good…_

 

He dug through his pocket for a tissue and grit his teeth, holding back until he couldn’t any longer and climaxing harder than he’d ever had in his life.

 

Afterward he took a moment to catch his breath, pressing his forehead against the cool tiling. Maybe this was all some extremely elaborate, twisted ploy of the Resistance. Forcing him to go jerk off like some sort of lech while the Daughters of the American Revolution served avocado and salmon blinis down the hall and discussed conservative fundraisers.

 

Yes, this was getting completely out of hand. And he knew why their words were getting so far ahead of their actions, why they couldn’t stop, why they pushed things to their limit. It was because they had done everything they could reasonably do in the library (although the term “reasonably” hardly applied to _any_ of this) and the next step could only mean going all the way. But that next step implied a room – a bed – real intimacy, and not just sneaking around after hours. And Ben was damned if he was going to take Rey to a hotel, like a high school senior desperate to get laid after prom. No, in the midst of everything that was wrong with their relationship, that, if nothing else, had to be right.

 

He made himself presentable again and went to splash water on his face. Then, before leaving the bathroom, he typed a quick reply to Rey.

 

_Now we’re even, just so you know._

 

#

 

“I’ve got some good news.”

 

Ben continued to trail the soft, delicate skin of Rey’s neck with his lips and wrapped his arms tighter against her waist, pressing her against the _Periodicals F-M_ shelf. “Hm?”

 

“I’m serious,” she whispered playfully, pushing at his shoulders to force him up. “Listen for a second.”

 

“All right,” he relented, but kept his arms around her. “Just for a second.”

 

She grinned, her nose crinkling in a way that made his heart tremble. “So Rose is going back home for Thanksgiving and invited me to come along, but… well, I thought since she wouldn’t be here for three full days we might maybe… you know...”

 

She was still smiling, but her expression had taken on an intent, almost nervous quality as she waited for his answer.

 

“Thanksgiving?” he repeated.

 

“Yeah, unless you’re with your family? I have no one to return to, really, but you...”

 

He cut her off, a little too brusquely. “No, I’m not with family. So would you want me to… just come over one afternoon or…?”

 

Rey frowned slightly. “One afternoon, or more than that. As I said, Rose will leave on Wednesday evening and she’s coming back on Sunday so...”

 

“Right. Three days. Okay, got it.” God, since when had he become so awkward and clueless? Rey sometimes made him feel like he was some sort of hormone-addled adolescent going through puberty all over again. “I mean… _yes_. Yes, you know there’s nothing I’d like more.”

 

“You had me worried there for a moment,” she said, forcing a little laugh. “We have been talking about this, but there are so few possibilities… I thought you had changed your mind.”

 

Changed his mind? Was she crazy? He wanted to soothe her insecurity, find the right words to tell her exactly how powerful his pull to her was, how willing he would be to do anything she asked for and more. He bent down and kissed her softly.

 

“Listen,” he murmured against her mouth. “I… may have made some plans a long time ago, but that’s not important. I can deal with it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, really. Make no mistake, Rey, it’s pure torture not being able to go up to your room right now. That’s all I think about – the moment when we’ll finally be able to put asides all this bullshit and just be together.”

 

He realized with a jolt of dread mixed with elation that he was talking about far more than just sex. Had Rey seen something pass in his gaze? Her expression softened again and she cupped his face with her hands. “You sure?”

 

“I haven’t been so sure of anything in a long time.”

 

Of course, there was one slight problem.

 

Ever since Snoke had taken him under his wing, Ben had celebrated Thanksgiving at his country estate – although the idea of celebration was grossly overselling what was basically a formal business dinner with a few family members added in for show. Snoke’s wife had died years before and his children were more like corporate partners than anything else, but still, the food was delicious and it beat spending the holiday alone, mulling over images of the past.

 

“You traveling with me to the old man’s country house, bro?” Brad asked him a few days later over breakfast.

 

“When are you leaving?” Ben mumbled, not looking up from the newspaper he was reading while he had his coffee.

 

“Tuesday night. I got a few classes on Wednesday but screw it, you know?”

 

“I have classes too, though not ones I’m able to screw, unfortunately. I’ll make the trip Wednesday night.”

 

“Just as long as you get there before the turkey does, or the old man is going to blow a gasket.”

 

That sounded about right. Snoke led his family reunions like a military parade. Ben’s eyes scanned over the printed words, not understanding what they were reading. In fact, he was busy wondering how he was going to go about canceling the whole thing and justifying his absence. Or maybe he could find another moment to be with Rey, one that would demand less logistical planning…

 

He closed his newspaper and put his empty mug in the sink, nearly slamming it down out of frustration. Damn Snoke. Damn the power he had over him – the power Ben himself had let him gain. Because of him, he was hesitating. A bright, gorgeous, passionate girl was ready to invite him into her dorm and into her bed, ready to share something with him she’d never shared with anyone, and he was hesitating.

 

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He glanced down at it, hoping it might be Rey putting a bit of sunshine in this cold dreary morning.

 

_My dearest Ben, come over for Thanksgiving if you don’t have any plans. You don’t have to call to say you’re coming, my door is always open and there’ll be a seat at the table for you. Hope you’re well. Love, Mom_

 

It was like a punch to the gut, and Ben found himself short of breath for a moment. She hadn’t called last month. He had noticed, of course. It had been a relief lined with a deep, ancient sort of fear, the same he felt when he was little and alone in bed, with the babysitter downstairs and his parents gone. He’d never gotten used to it, not matter how often it happened. _Maybe Mommy’s forgotten me._

 

Silly him. She was just conserving energy to hit him with a powerful blow, one she knew would make him waver. And indeed it did, making all sorts of images flash before his eyes – a table set with worn linen, a turkey cooking in the golden light of the oven, laughs and smiles, the pop of a cork being pulled from a bottle of wine…

 

“ _I’m so nervous, meeting your mother for the first time,” Rey whispers to him as they sit on the couch, squeezing his arm a bit. “What will she think of me, showing up her with a burnt apple pie?”_

 

_He strokes her hand tenderly. “Don’t worry, Leia doesn’t care about that stuff. I’m sure she’ll love you, burnt pie and all, just as long as you’re your adorable, brilliant self.”_

 

“ _Aw, I can’t tell if you’re super sweet or full of shit.”_

 

_He kisses the top of her head and she gives a soft laugh, just in time for Leia to return from the kitchen with three glasses…_

 

Silly, silly him. All of this was no better than his childhood fantasies of a picture-perfect family, barbecues in the garden, sledding with his father on snowy days, his parents growing old together. They had poisoned his brain then, and they threatened to poison it now. Snoke was undoubtedly a cold-hearted bastard and sometimes made his life hell, but at least he wasn’t the specter of long-lost dreams. It was time to wake up. He opened the conversation he had going with Rey and typed quickly, before he lost his resolve.

 

_Tried to cancel Thanksgiving plans but I can’t. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you._

 

Her answer came an hour later. Had she been fuming with rage all this time? Cursing him out? Or something even worse, an indifferent shrug that said she had never trusted him in the first place, and maybe this was for the best because why on earth would she want her first time to be with someone like him. That was certainly what Ben pictured when he read her text and felt it sink in his chest like lead.

 

_Ok._

 

#

 

 

When Ben got into the town car sent by Snoke on that cold, rainy Wednesday evening, he felt as if it were leading him straight to prison.

 

He hadn’t seen Rey or texted her for four full days. It was the longest they’d gone without any interaction since they’d started seeing each other – more than a month now, a month that felt like a lifetime. He tried to think of grand gestures to make her forgive him, but every single one fell short.

 

 _What’s so important that you can’t cancel?_ she’d ended up texting him. _You told me you weren’t with family._

 

 _It’s complicated,_ he’d texted back, fully aware of what a lame excuse it sounded like.

 

_I think you should sort it out before you come back to the library then._

 

And they’d left it at that – an exile of sorts, but he couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it.

 

The car zoomed out of Everton and onto the highway. Ben breathed in deeply, trying to calm himself and clear his mind, but it kept conjuring up the picture of Rey, alone in her dorm room, sitting on her bed, maybe thinking of him this very minute, thinking of all things they could have done if he hadn't left... Fuck, what was he doing here? Why was he driving away from Everton when he could be with her on that very bed, lying between her legs, buried deep within her while she moaned his name and asked for more? He had told himself it was crazy to forgo Snoke's invitation, but what was really crazy was to spend four days with people he couldn't care less about, having dull conversations and drinking scotch to numb his brain into submission, when every single fiber of his being was screaming for him to be with Rey. 

  
He opened his eyes, unbuckled his seat belt and scooted to the edge of his seat to tap on the glass partition. 

  
  
“Sir?” the driver asked when it lowered.

  
“Pull the car over,” Ben ordered.

  
“Sir, what -”

  
“I said _pull over_.”

  
Thankfully, there was a gas station not far up ahead. As soon as the driver stopped the car into a deserted corner of the parking lot, Ben clambered out into the dank night and motioned for the driver to exit as well.

  
“Is everything all right, sir?” the man said, now slightly alarmed.

  
Ben took a bill from his wallet and stuffed it the front pocket of the driver's jacket. “Here's a hundred dollars. Call your boss and tell him that I'm sick and puked all over the back seat.”

  
The man stared at him as if he’d gone mad, which to be fair wasn’t far off the mark. “Sir?”

  
“You heard me. Do as I say.”

  
Ben watched him, arms crossed, as he took his phone and tapped the number with trembling fingers. “Yes, good evening, senator,” he said when Snoke picked up. “I'm terribly sorry to bother you but I'm afraid I have some bad news.” He glanced at Ben. “Mister Skywalker is... sick. Very sick. He threw up in the car.”

  
Ben could faintly hear Snoke's furious tone on the other end, though he couldn't make out his words.

 

“No, sir, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now, I pulled over at a gas station and he's been in the bathroom for quite a while. Yes, I'll make sure to tell him to call you as soon as he's able. All right, sir. Thank you.”

  
He hung up and Ben took out a second bill.

  
“Good man. Now here's another hundred as thanks for driving me back to Everton and keeping your mouth shut. If you ever speak of this to anyone I'll make sure you regret it. Understood?”

  
The drive back to Everton felt like it lasted an eternity. Ben could hardly sit still. The thrill of what he was doing was pumping adrenaline through him, and at the same time tortuous thoughts were clawing at his resolution. What if it was too late? What if Rey rejected him, or had accepted Rose's invitation after he had declined hers? And why wouldn't she? If it was that or staying all weekend in a deserted dorm…

  
_Don't think. Don't think. Just focus._ There was no way to be sure what he was doing wasn't all for nothing, but he’d always believed regret was far worse than failure.

  
Finally, the car parked in front of Blackwell Hall. All the windows were pitch black, except for one. Fifth floor, right. Ben exited the car, grabbed his overnight bag from the trunk and rushed inside the building.

 

Once he'd climbed to the fifth floor, he was careful not to switch on the overhead lamp in the corridor so as to see which door had light coming from under it. When he finally arrived in front of what he hoped was her room, he knocked softly. "Rey?"

  
He braced himself for an unfamiliar voice telling him that he had the wrong room, but none came. Dizzy with relief that she was still here, he took a deep breath and continued.

  
“Rey, it's me. I... I came back. I never should have left, actually, I realized that as soon as I was on the road.”

  
Still no reply - only a small noise, and shadows under the door, partially blocking the light. She was there, just on the other side. He pressed his palm on the smooth wood and racked his brain for the combination of words that would make her open.

 

“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he went on. “I’m sorry if I made a mess. I can understand if you changed your mind, if you don’t want to see me, but I can’t bear the idea of leaving you alone here. I'm ready to wait as long as it takes. I don't want anything else but to be with you, Rey. _Please_.”

 

A second passed, then two, three, four. Each one was like another inch of a stake being driven through his heart.

 

Then the lock clicked. The door opened. And Rey was standing there, her eyes reddened by tears but now fiery with determination, saving him and damning him at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than 200 kudos ;_; Thank you!! I'm so stoked that you all like this story, and I'm really happy to keep sharing it with you.
> 
> The next chapter will be quite a challenge for obvious reasons, and I also have a lot of work right now, so the next update will be on Monday 26th. Sorry for the wait ! But I want to make sure I get our two lovebirds' first time just right.


	12. Chapter 12

“Explain.”

 

She should have been happy – ecstatic even. She was right. She had won. And what she’d given up hadn’t been for nothing. Just half an hour ago, she’d been so angry at herself, so overcome with anguish at the choice she’d made - holding onto a fool’s hope that Ben would change his mind - that she’d almost caved and looked up a bus route that would bring her to Rose’s parents’ place. But what ultimately held her back was the idea of trying to explain to her friend why she had changed her mind so suddenly, after painstakingly convincing her that she didn’t really do Thanksgiving and that she felt embarrassed to butt in a family reunion. And now her wish had come true: here he was, asking – no, _begging_ to be let in.

 

Yet as Ben stood before her in the doorway, the only thing Rey could feel was anger.

 

_Don’t let him touch you. If he touches you, you’re lost._

 

“What do you want to know?” he asked.

 

“Everything,” she stated, arms crossed in front of her. “I want to know where you were going, who invited you, and why it was so fucking important to you that you couldn’t find a way to make this work.”

 

“I did find it, in the end. And we haven’t established what _this_ is.”

 

“That’s not the point right now,” Rey retorted, even more furious. “You know very well that I – that I wouldn’t be ready to have sex with you if I...”

 

“If you what?”

 

He plunged his eyes into hers and she was thrown off for an instant, but she quickly recovered her ground. “Don’t spin this around. And if you try to make this sound like it’s just some casual fling, you might as well leave right now and go back from where you came.”

 

It was Ben’s turn to look angry. “How can you even say that? Do I look like I’m here to mess with you?”

 

“I don’t care. I deserve some answers.”

 

He gave a deep sigh and lowered his voice. “Will you let me come in first at least?”

 

The warning bells went off in her mind – _don’t let him touch you_ – but they couldn’t very well have this conversation between the room and the hallway.

 

“Fine. Take off your shoes, Rose is a stickler for cleanliness.”

 

Ben entered and looked around. “Nice place,” he said awkwardly, though she very much doubted he appreciated the mix between pictures cut out from _National Geographic_ (Rose), images of old collector cars (her), and a giant poster of Ruth Bader Ginsburg (both of them). He sat at her desk and she stood leaning against the opposite wall, as far away from him as possible. They watched each other in silence, then Ben started to talk.

 

“When I started my senior year of high school, I met an old friend of my grandfather’s, Senator Marcus Snoke. He said he saw some potential in me and offered to help me out – hired private tutors so I would get excellent grades, offered to pay for my tuition at Everton. Not that it made much of a dent in his massive fortune. But most importantly he gave me guidance. I had started distancing myself from my family back then and I was kind of messed up – maybe I still am.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders, a vivid expression of sadness passing over his face only to disappear again.

 

“Snoke has a good position lined up for me after I graduate,” he continued. “But in return I have orders to follow. He’s got this big fancy country house upstate and I get invited there sometimes. It’s not an act of kindness, he just likes to keep tabs on me. He keeps tabs on everyone. I suppose that’s how you obtain that sort of power.”

 

Rey frowned, the name echoing in a memory she couldn’t decipher. “Snoke… Where did I hear that before?”

 

“His grandson was in my class at school. He’s also in Alpha Alpha - the guy who tried to attack you at the party.”

 

“You mean the one you said you couldn’t stand and almost punched in the face?” She shook her head in disgust. “Ben... how can you be involved with that family? How can you put yourself under the influence of that type of person? _Following orders_ – that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

 

“It’s just a means to an end, I -”

 

“No. I’ve told you before – you’re not like them, you can choose your own ends and means. You’re better than that. I know you are.”

 

He gave her a fierce, piercing look. “How do you know?”

 

“The first time I saw you alone in the library…” she started, a blush blooming on her cheeks. “It’s like you were hiding out there. Like it’s the only place where you can just be yourself – studying for hours, far from the world, focused on what truly drives you. Someone who craves admiration or attention or thinks everything should be handed to him on a silver platter doesn’t behave the way you do. And someone like that… wouldn’t make me feel the way _I_ do.”

 

He remained silent for a few seconds, but now that she’d said it, each one felt like an hour. “So you feel it too, then,” he finally said.

 

She nodded, her throat clenched so tight she could barely speak. “I’ve never...”

 

“Me neither.”

 

That gave them an equal footing at least, and made the rest slightly less daunting. Ben exhaled and lifted his arms to rake his hands through his hair.

 

“I can’t do this, Rey. Not if you’re unsure, or hesitating… I mean, I already have a tendency to screw things up, and this...”

 

He shook his head, as if he couldn’t bear contemplating the damage he might do.

 

“You know what kills me?” she shot back. “What kills me is that I _am_ sure. I’m sure I want you to be my first and none of what you told me changes anything. I wish it did, because I’ve got my own baggage to deal with but...”

 

She pressed her lips together and paused, overcome by the effect he had on her, even now. It was torture on her nerves to be in the same room as him and maintain this distance between them. Her eyes filled with tears.

 

“How is it possible that I want you so badly?” she whispered shakily, voicing the question that had been haunting her for weeks. “You say you’re messed up, but really, how am I any better?”

 

Ben rose abruptly from the chair and stepped closer, taking her hands in his. “Don’t say that. Don’t _ever_ say that. You care so much, Rey, I didn’t even know it was possible for someone to have so much room in their heart.”

 

She looked at their clasped hands, how different they were yet how well they fit together. When she glanced up, he bent down to kiss her, and her entire body caught fire all at once. An irrepressible wave of desire surged through her, starting in her core, and she knew there was no stopping it now. It was blind and deaf to fear or doubt or anger, just a crushing force that left her trembling with desire in Ben’s arms, pressing herself against him to increase the contact between them in any way possible. _More, more, more_ , it exhorted her mercilessly.

 

He slipped his hands around her waist, just under her top, and began to hike it up. Rey broke the kiss to grab the edges herself and took it off, tossing it asides. Ben stopped and pulled back to look at her, his eyes so dark that it sent a shiver up her spine that had nothing to do with the coolness of the air.

 

“I want to see you,” he rumbled. “All of you.”

 

Rey hesitated, taken aback by his request. This was more nerve-wracking than what would follow. She’d heard about the initial discomfort and the pain, but that was only a physical side-effect no one could help. Being naked in front of a man, however – and especially a man like Ben – intimidated her. What if he didn’t like what he saw?

 

“You can’t be thinking I won’t find you beautiful,” he said in a softer tone, sensing her reluctance. “Because that’s just not possible. Rey, everything about you is… _perfect_. You don’t know how many times I’ve pictured this only to have my imagination fall short.”

 

Searching his expression for a hint of deceit, she could tell he wasn’t sweet-talking her or wheedling compliments to get his way. There was nothing there but raw honesty. And if he could give her that, she could very well bare herself too.

 

She untangled herself, still holding his gaze, she walked closer to the bed and slowly rolled down her leggings. She was wearing nothing but a simple white cotton set, yet from the way Ben’s eyes were devouring her, she might as well be in racy lingerie. Inhaling sharply, she reached back to unclasp her bra and let the garment fall to the floor in front of her, then sat on the bed. Ben’s breath hitched but he didn’t move.

 

“Your panties too,” he said deliberately, his voice taut with arousal.

 

She could feel they were edging back towards the game they usually played by texts and it exhilarated her, like she was stepping outside of herself. “That doesn’t really seem fair,” she replied playfully.

 

Ben unflinchingly took off his sweater and the tee-shirt he was wearing underneath at the same time, then made quick work of his jeans and socks, until he was wearing nothing but black boxer shorts. Rey drank him in, transfixed; the golden light of her little nightstand lamp made it seem as if he had walked out of a Renaissance painting, with the noble mien of a prince and the sculpted muscles of some mythical hero.

 

He slowly stepped forward. Never taking her eyes off him, Rey pushed her panties down. Ben was now towering over her, tall and dark and _there_ , so much so that she could feel the heat radiating from his body – and sense exactly what it would feel like when it would be on top of hers. Her own arousal tugged maddeningly between her thighs and she raised her hand to stroke him through his boxers, her thumb grazing the waistband. Ben closed his eyes for an instant and a deep, growling noise came from the back of his throat.

 

“Wait,” he said. “Not yet.”

 

He knelt before her and firmly pushed her legs apart, placing himself between them. Rey squirmed, unsure if it was from the unfamiliar sensation of being seen – _completely_ seen – or from a desire to see what those long, elegant fingers could do to her.

 

“Can I go down on you?” he murmured.

 

Rey instinctively closed her legs. “No, I… sorry, I’m not used to...”

 

“I’ve never tried it before. I just really want to, with you.”

 

She was surprised at his revelation. Those lush lips looked they had been tailor-made for the sole purpose of giving pleasure to a woman. She wavered. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable enough yet...”

 

“That’s all right, it can wait. I have to make sure you’re ready, though.”

 

He gently opened her legs again, as if he was handling the petals of some delicate flower, then cupped her, applying friction just where she needed it. She hissed from the searing sensation that brutally coursed through her. He’d touched her before, when they were in the library, but this was different – the intent with which he was watching her, the moans she couldn’t hold back, his growing boldness as he delved deeper and deeper into her slick warmth.

 

“Do you like that?” he asked, his voice a strangled whisper.

 

“Yes,” she breathed. “ _Yes,_ Ben, it’s so good.”

 

“Fuck, just hearing you say my name like that…” He increased the rhythm of his movements. “Do you want me inside of you?”

 

Her eyes shut on their own accord. _Want_ was too weak a term – she felt the burning emptiness might swallow her whole if he didn’t remedy to it immediately. “ _Please_ , Ben,” she groaned.

 

He withdrew his hand and slipped his arm under her knees to lift her and lay her on the bed. As he was taking off his boxers, Rey pulled back the covers from the mattress. When he lay down besides her, her eyes drifted downwards towards his jutting erection. For one alarming moment, she was absolutely certain it would never fit inside of her; there was just no way she was that extendable. She tensed noticeably and Ben stroked her hair.

 

“Relax, baby. I’ll go as slow as you need, I promise. And if it hurts too much, just tell me, and I’ll stop.”

 

“I’m not afraid of it hurting,” she said, intertwining her fingers with his. “I’m just thinking what if… what if it doesn’t work? Like… trying to put a screw in a bolt with the wrong diameter?”

 

He laughed against her hair and she bit her lip, mortified but amused.

 

“You really have a way with words,” he said. “But don’t stress out, okay? We have all weekend to make it work.”

 

Rey smiled and they kissed, softly at first, then more passionately, as if their bodies were reminding them of what they needed. Rey reached in her nightstand drawer for one of the condoms she’d left there, hoping they would be of use, and handed it to him. Once he was ready, Ben positioned himself over her and slowly slid into her, trembling from the effort of holding himself back.

 

An acute, stinging pain momentarily blotted out her desire, and she grimaced. But she also knew it was a pain that wouldn't last, a bother she wanted to get out of the way, and she urged him on silently, grabbing onto his lower back. He began to move, progressively picking up the pace, and she started to perceive what was concealed by the pain: the incredible sensation of being filled and stretched out to hit places of pleasure she didn't even know existed.

  
“Rey,” he panted. “This feels... God, this feels...”

  
His words were lost against her throat as he drove himself into her in strong, steady thrusts, then shuddered to a stop with a guttural grunt.

  
He stilled for a few moments, breathless and dazed, before drawing away. Rey winced.

  
“All right?” he asked, his face still flushed but etched with concern. “Fuck, I'm sorry, I was too excited and...”

  
“No, don't be. Don't be. I'm fine.”

  
“Should I make you come with my hand?”

  
“I'm sore, so I'd rather not but... don't worry, like you said, we have all weekend.”

  
He nodded and curled around her to lay his head on her chest, and she reveled in the sensation of him weighing down on her. She could tell he was frustrated that he had come so quickly and her, not at all, but how could she find the words to explain to him that she didn't mind without sounding flippant or meek? That everything about this - the quaking muscles, the primal sounds, the saliva and the sweat, the sheer rawness of it - made her want to leave control and propriety by the wayside? Punctual imperfection was nothing in the face of knowing you had found someone who completed you perfectly.

  
“Shit, I think I'm dozing off,” Ben mumbled, then sat up to rid himself of the condom. “Do you have a bin I can throw this in or...?”

  
“Sure,” she said. “Right next to my desk.”

  
Ben stood from the bed and she pulled the blanket over herself, cold now, observing as he walked around the tiny room. Damn, he was so gorgeous, how was it possible that this man had been interlocked with her, uttering her name like he was dying, just moments ago?

  
“So can I sleep here tonight?” he asked, his back turned to her.

  
“You're kidding, right?” she giggled. “You really think I'm going to kick you out?”

  
“Just thought it would be more polite to ask,” he quipped, glancing at her over her shoulder with a little smirk.

 

She scooted closer to the wall as if to show him her good intentions, and Ben joined her, slipping under the covers. “You know I’ll be ready again in a short while, right?”

 

She turned her back to him and he spooned her, kissing the nape of her neck. “Can we sleep a little bit first?”

 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep, given the circumstances, but I’m willing to try.”

 

“Lights off, then. That might make it easier.”

 

Ben grudgingly pulled away from her to switch off the lamp, then gathered her in his arms again, cradling her until she drifted off.

 

#

 

When Rey opened her eyes, it was still night out. She had no idea if it was two a.m or closer to morning, nor how long she’d slept. However, she did have an idea of what had woken her: Ben was holding her tighter and his erection was digging into her back. She could sense he was awake too, but waiting, still and silent, as if he was moments away from pouncing on her when he saw the chance.

 

Was it because they were plunged in darkness? Or because she was still hovering between dreaming and waking? The arousal that stirred within suddenly overtook her with a violence that unsettled her. It was more intense than it had ever been, and the only thought left in her mind was that she wanted Ben to take her, right now, frantically, and without asking any questions.

 

She took his hand to guide it down over the plane of her stomach and feel how wet she was for him. Ben emitted a low groan and bit at the skin of her neck, letting his fingers go whenever she lead them, from the depths of her core to the tip of her breasts, forcefully grinding against her. When he couldn’t stand it any longer, he moved to be on top of her again, capturing her mouth with his.

 

“I’m going to make you come this time, baby,” he whispered against her lips. “I’m not getting out of this bed until you scream my name.”

 

Rey let out a breathy wail as he licked his way down her neck to her chest, slowly circling her nipples then lapping at them languorously. She clutched the mattress sheet and arched her back, desperate for more. He hooked a finger inside of her, matching his movements with those of his tongue, and she thought she might lose her mind from the animal lust he was exciting within her.

 

“Don’t stop,” she begged. “Please, Ben… I want… I want...”

 

She pressed her lips together against the cry that was threatening to spill out, covering her face with her arms as if it would somehow make the intensity of the sensations bearable. Ben stopped his ministrations to grab her wrists and pinned them above her head. He loomed over her, but she could only make out the black mass of his hair and the blurred contours of his face. Somehow, this inflamed her even more. Anything they said to each other here and now would be lost to the dark.

 

“You want me to fuck you again?” he asked. “Is that it?”

 

“Yes, _yes_ ,” she sighed.

 

“All you have to do is ask nicely,” he teased her. “I’ll spend the entire weekend between your legs if you want me to.”

 

“Please, Ben,” she murmured softly, playing along with a rush of trepidation. “I need you inside of me. _Please_.”

 

This time, Ben didn’t move with the same caution, and as soon as he’d slipped on a condom, he entered her brusquely, completely filling her. The cry she’d been holding back tore from her throat and the remnants of pain flickered away, leaving nothing but devastating pleasure. What had been a queer, unfamiliar feeling of being strained was now what she sought with increasing frenzy every time he slid out to slide back in again. She dug her nails into his back and he let out a sound halfway between a laugh and a moan of pleasure.

 

“You’re a quick learner,” he growled. “Taking it hard and rough already.”

 

She was nearing her peak now, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him to come undone, to lose the control he’d locked himself in for so long, and her words were like subtle keys that opened the bolts one by one.

 

“Make me come, Ben, I’m so close...”

 

“How?” he insisted, almost imploring. “How should I make you come?”

 

“Just like this,” she whimpered. “You’re right, I want it hard and rough, and only with you.”

 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he swore, and brought her legs up closer to her chest so he could get a better angle and hit a deeper spot. “Do you know what it does to me to hear you say that?”

 

He thrust into her with escalating force and Rey’s eyes slammed shut. Soon the room was filled with the sounds of their bodies coming together and their cries of passion, until both of them spilled over the edge.

 

As Rey held Ben in her arms, a satisfying sort of ache thrumming deep inside of her, she watched the sky outside her window lighten into a pale gray morning. The rest of the world seemed to have melted away, and she was fine with it for now; she had everything she needed, right here with her.

 

But the world wouldn’t let itself be ignored for too long. When she rose a few hours later, her stomach rumbling with hunger, she noticed she had several notifications on her phone.

 

 _Hey_ _hey_ _roomie_ _, hope you’re not too bored!_ Rose had texted. _Here’s a picture of our vegetarian Thanksgiving table, as promised! Love u <3 _

 

There was also a message from Finn. _Happy Thanksgiving :) Don’t tell Rose but I’m enjoying the shit out of this turkey, YUM._

 

Rey smiled, remembering how happy she was that they were finally together. They really made an adorable couple, so adorable in fact that Poe had called them “a disturbingly compelling case for monogamy”. And speaking of Poe, there were two missed calls from him. What could he possibly want?

 

 _Hey, you called, what’s up?_ she texted him quickly.

 

“You okay, baby?”

 

Ben had propped himself up on one arm behind her. Rey flipped the phone over to hide her screen.

 

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” she replied. “Are you hungry?”

 

“Hungry for what?” he mumbled against her shoulder blade, planting a string of light kisses there.

 

“For food,” she laughed, but damn it, she was getting turned on again.

 

Her phone vibrated and she glanced down at it. _Rally for_ _First Nation_ _rights and free food distribution in town at four, you still in?_ Poe had texted back.

 

Crap. She had forgotten all about that. The Resistance organized this rally every year at Thanksgiving as a protest against the holiday, and she’d agreed to give a hand long before she’d known Rose would be out of town. Poe needed all the help he could get too, with so many people gone to be with their family.

 

“Listen, I’m going to have to go out for a few hours,” she said. “That way I’ll get us something to eat and you can stay here and recuperate.”

 

“Can I go with you?”

 

“Um, well… It’s this thing Poe is organizing. Giving out food for the needy and asking for donations in favor of indigenous people. I promised to help.”

 

Ben fell back on the bed and Rey turned towards him. He didn’t seem exasperated or jealous – and even if he had, he must have known there wasn’t a thing he could say after what he’d almost done – but pensive.

 

“You know we’re going to have to tell them sooner or later, right?” he said.

 

She wasn’t sure if by _them_ , he meant her friends, or his, or the rest of the world. But the prospect was as obvious as it was terrifying.

 

“I do know,” she answered quietly. “But why can’t we just… pretend like we don’t? For now at least?”

 

Ben took a long time before answering, so much so that she was starting to think she had irritated him somehow. But when he did, she was the one left speechless.

 

“Because I’m in love with you, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter, it was a bitch to write for several reasons - I got sidetracked by my other OTP, I had to deal with personal stuff, and also I struggled to pin down the right tone and mood for Rey and Ben's first time. I initially wanted to write a scene where Rey meets Poe for the rally but the smut drained me :P FYI the next chapter is halfway written already, so it'll be up next Monday as scheduled :) 
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and comments <3 <3 <3


	13. Chapter 13

_Symmetry is interesting only to the extent that it is broken. Matter produces novelty when it is out of equilibrium._

 

Ben had read Trinh Xuan Thuan’s _Chaos and Harmony_ in the summer before starting his first year at Everton, but he felt like he hadn’t completely understood it, like there was something he just couldn’t grasp. Now, lying naked on Rey’s bed, reading her own copy that she’d left on top of a pile of books on her desk (there were many piles, in many places, as if she delighted in stacking up her things around her), he comprehended it on a deeper level than his reason had let him back then. It was almost as if the book had been waiting here for him all these years, waiting for the moment when it would all fall into place.

 

_Perfect order is barren, while controlled disorder is fertile and chaos is pregnant with innovations._

 

Ben set the book down on his chest and stared at the ceiling. What string of chaotic events had he set into motion when he’d told Rey he was in love with her? They seemed suspended for the time being, grantingthe two of them a reprieve until theywere forced back into the world again. His words were suspended too, wafting in the air above him until a reply gave them a tangible form.

 

Rey’s lack of response gnawed at him, and he pictured her stunned face, her parted lips, the silence that came out of them in stark contrast with all the beautiful noise they’d made together. He hadn’t planned on telling her, and he certainly hadn’t planned on getting a response, but the cracks were just wide enough for insecurity and jealousy to slither their way through. She was with Dameron now, wasn’t she? What if that made her realize how absurd the situation was? What if she drew back just as he had laid all his cards down on the table and asked him to leave? No, that was too agonizing to contemplate. He tried to return to his book, seeking relief in what was infinitely bigger than he was.

 

When Rey came back that night, Ben was still naked and still reading. She was carrying two plastic bags which she set on the floor, her face rosy from the cold.

 

“What a sight,” she quipped, amused. “You haven’t moved at all, have you?”

 

“Can’t say that I have,” he replied, closing the book and putting it on the nightstand.

 

Which was true, for all intents and purposes. He’d only gotten up to check his phone, which he’d silenced in the car coming here. There were seven missed calls, five from Snoke and two from Hux, as well as a string of misspelled text messages from Brad. The contrast between these aggressive attempts at knowing exactly what he was up to and the warm messages of care and concern he’d glimpsed at on Rey’s phone pinched his heart, and cold fury was the only way to effectively numb that sort of wound. He switched off his phone and let it fall back into his overnight bag. Now no one could reach him – no one even knew where he was. It had happened to him only once before, in much more dire circumstances, but the intense feeling of freedom was the same.

 

“Well, I’ve got a bunch of leftovers,” Rey continued, unwrapping herself from her scarf and winter coat. “I already ate but -”

 

“Come here,” he interrupted her.

 

She bent down to take off her shoes, laughing. “Wait a second...”

 

“Come here, _now_.”

 

The effect his voice had on her was intoxicating. He could tell it turned her on when he pitched it low and spoke in a commanding tone, just like he felt all of his boundaries break open when she said his name in that soft, breathy voice of hers that sent shudders of lust racking through him. They were like stone and water, like darkness and light colliding together, crushing what little resistance they had to dust. And he needed her urgently, next to him, around him, to make the darkness go away for a little while.

 

Soon she was undressed and in his arms again, her skin still cool from outside, but deliciously hot and slick where it mattered. She let him go down on her this time, sitting with her back against the headboard of the bed and threading her fingers in his hair as he licked and sucked his way around her, inexpertly but ravenously, thinking he might come from the taste of her alone. By the time he was finished she was practically sobbing with pleasure, repeating his name like a litany, and his own orgasm hurtled on erratically almost as soon as he was inside of her.

 

He ate afterward, still naked, still in bed, and she picked up _Harmony and Chaos_ to leaf through it, looking up only to scold him for putting crumbs on the sheet, trying but failing to sound serious. They fell asleep not long after, surrounded by the wonderful mess they’d made, in the glow of Rey’s nightstand lamp.

 

It must have been very early morning when they woke, although Ben had completely lost track of time. The hours were starting to blur together in the haze of the ferocious, implacable desire he had for her.

 

“No, wait,” she whimpered as he pulled her against his erection. “Shower first.”

 

“You sure?”

 

She swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment, lost in the effort to battle against her own arousal. “Yes. We need to shower.”

 

“Together? I’m good with that.”

 

She pushed him away. “We can’t. It’s one thing to have you in my dorm, but if anyone catches us in the showers, I’m dead. You can go after me.”

 

Yet when she came back, wrapped in her towel and looking every bit like the fantasy he’d had when she’d sent him those texts, he couldn’t wait any longer. She acted coy as he begged her to let him fuck her again, but then sure enough she gave in and straddled him, and he pummeled into her until the towel slipped loose, freeing her glorious breasts. He had to sit up to take them in his mouth and they moved against each other until they were both slick with sweat, sore and trembling from exertion.

 

They fell asleep again, for a longer stretch this time. Then they showered, ate a little, and by then it must have been… late afternoon on Friday? Early evening? They decided to watch a movie on Rey’s laptop - less out of real motivation than to prove to themselves they were reasonable enough to vary their activities together - but halfway through, the laptop lay discarded on the floor and Rey was planting a trail of kisses on Ben’s stomach, slipping her nimble fingers under the waistband of his boxers and exploring what she found there with her hands and mouth.

 

Ben thought he’d completely spent himself, that there was just no way he had another orgasm in him, but it bubbled up again and he stilled her head. He wanted to come inside of her – from behind this time, slow and firm, while she muffled her cries into her pillow. When he snaked his hand into her hair to tug tentatively at it, the pillow wasn’t enough to hold them in.

 

This was what she liked, then, he reflected when they were done and Rey was curled against his chest – being pulled, pinned down, handled and squeezed until her soft skin bruised. It was radically different from what she was outside the bedroom, so fiercely independent and strong-willed, but he supposed that might be the reason for her preference. She needed to forget about who she was to loose control, just like he did, and he wondered just how far she’d been willing to take it. Would she ask him to tie up her wrists? To put his hand over her mouth? To act like he wasn’t leaving her a choice, like he was here to take what was his, like some sort of barbarian storming her body?

 

No matter. All that was just play, and until she told that she was in love with him too, he was the one entirely at her mercy.

 

#

 

Saturday. It struck him like a ton of lead the instant he woke up. The weekend was almost over, and Ben didn’t dare count the number of hours they had left, though his brain couldn’t help but to do so. It was like being on reprieve from prison and knowing that you would be locked up again soon. A ball formed in his throat.

 

“Hey handsome, why don’t we go out?” Rey murmured sleepily, stroking his hair. “Let’s go get some food.”

 

Ben sat up. “Are you serious?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Well… what if someone saw us?”

 

She looked at him intently, now fully awake. “Do you mind?”

 

Ben got up from the bed, suddenly agitated. She couldn’t possibly want them to go public now, not after skirting around the issue of his feelings as if he’d said nothing. The irrepressible thought that she was testing him brutally wrenched through his mind. Was this her way of checking if his declaration had been sincere? Was she expecting him to fail already? Why was it that people always had to examine and prod, as if they were deciding on a safe bet to place their money on?

 

“Ben… are you okay?” she asked, sitting up too now and wrapping herself in the blanket. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I just… I think I need some fresh air,” he mumbled, digging into his bag for a pair of boxers.

 

“Well, let me come with you, I -”

 

“No!”

 

She shook her head. “I don’t understand. Just the other day you told me…”

 

He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, overwhelmed by the anguish this conversation was stirring within him. “I know. I know what I told you, you don’t have to repeat it to me.”

 

“You said we would have to let people know about us,” she insisted.

 

“Yeah, and you said you had rather not for now.”

 

“Well, maybe I changed my mind.”

 

He slid his boxers on and watched her warily from the other side of the room, anxiety coiling around his lungs and heart. “What are you talking about?”

 

Rey sighed. “It was weird, the other night – and not in a good way. Pretending nothing was going on, having Poe walk me home and knowing you were here...”

 

“Dameron walked you home again?”

 

“He does that all the time, and not just for me, for any girl who’s alone. But that’s the thing, I’m _not_ alone, I’m with you, and I want to… take you to parties and hold your hand and not have to hide when you’re texting me.”

 

“Your friends hate me,” he replied shortly.

 

“And you don’t hate them?” she shot back.

 

“I don’t _know_ them. I only know Dameron and I can’t stand that fucking jerk because he reminds me of… of my father.” His anxiety was wringing him now, squeezing like a bramble, digging into the softest, most vulnerable parts of him it could find, making him wild with pain. “But, I mean, I get it, you have your friends and they care about you, so don’t – don’t force yourself to be kind and say you want to hold my hand or some shit just to make me feel better. If you want to forget all about this, whatever, it’s fine, I’m fine. I should just go.”

 

“Force myself?” Rey grabbed her robe and slipped it on. “What the fuck? I just told you I want you to be my boyfriend!”

 

“Stop it! Stop saying things like you… like you...”

 

“Ben, what is wrong with you? You’re not making any sense!”

 

She came to him, alarmed, but he turned away abruptly. This was the price the darkness was making him pay for thinking he could get rid of it, for opening the gates instead of staying safely inside and letting this flame of a girl awaken what had cautiously been kept into a long, cold sleep. His eyes blurred with tears.

 

Rey placed her hands on his back and slowly caressed his skin, as if she was smoothing him over. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, and I won’t let you go either.”

 

He pressed his palms against his eyes and she continued to comfort him, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I’m here, Ben. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“Everyone I’ve ever cared about left me at one point or another,” he rasped. “And they always had a very good excuse to do so. I just can’t believe that you would – that you...”

 

“Shhhhh.” She held him tighter, kissing his shoulder blade, and little by little the coil loosened. “Come back to bed,” she whispered. “Let’s just lie down, and if you want, you can talk to me.”

 

He waited until his breathing was calm again, then followed her, dazed. He hadn’t had an anxiety attack in a very long time, and loathe as he was to revisit old memories, he had to try and explain what was going on to Rey or she’d think he was crazy.

 

“You know a little bit about the Skywalker family,” he said as she started to stroke his hair again. “It’s true, I grew up in a very privileged household. But… my parents' marriage was not a happy one. Not that they didn't love each other - in fact I don't think I ever met two people who were still so in love after so many years. But they just couldn't make it work. Whenever they lived in the same house for too long, they started arguing, fighting, screaming at each other. My father, Han, was a sort of free spirit, he was reckless and didn't have much respect for the law, and he hated to be tied down in one place. My mother had principles to the point of being rigid and expected everyone to give 100% of their best, 100% of the time, like she did. They had the same values, though, the same fire within them - I guess that's what drew them to each other in the first place.”

 

“My mother was always busy with her organization, and she expected my father to pull his weight around the house, which of course he didn't. Sometimes he would disappear for weeks at a time for a business deal, whatever the hell that meant, with his old associate. She did her best to take care of me, but she wasn't the type of woman who enjoyed staying at home with a kid, and most of the time she just left me in the care of a babysitter. I’m not blaming her, she had every right to try and live her life, especially since my father never stopped living his… but all things considered they would've been better off not being parents at all.”

 

He paused for a moment. Rey watched him, her eyes filled with concern, but he avoided catching her gaze. It would break him to see her expression change as he went on.

 

“I was a good boy, very docile and quiet - I think I was trying to make myself as small as possible, to avoid being a bother,” he continued. “But as I grew older, I started to resent them. I started to get angry. Lots of kids had parents who were divorced and it didn't seem like such a big deal, so I couldn't understand why mine persisted in staying together and making their life and mine miserable. I began acting out in school, getting into all sorts of trouble. But I was a gifted student, all my teachers said so, and so they sent me off to my uncle's institution for troubled teens, thinking it would help. It didn't. I felt like they were getting rid of me, and Luke kept telling me to let go of my anger, when my anger was the only thing that was mine, that my parents' couldn't take away from me. I started to have anxiety attacks, insomnia, just… unable to have any peace of mind, even for a minute. I ended up leaving in the middle of the night and hitchhiking across the state for a week. Being cut off from everyone was the only thing that calmed me down.”

 

He paused again. He was getting to a part of the story he wished he could permanently erase from his mind, but it was too late to stop now.

 

“When they finally got a hold of me, my mother told me my father was in the hospital - he'd had a heart attack while they were trying to figure out where I was. He stayed two weeks in a coma, then passed away. My mother and my uncle were devastated. At the wake, Luke and I got into a huge row, and I decided that day to cut ties with my family and my past.”

 

He couldn’t bear repeating to Rey what Luke had yelled at him, his eyes reddened with tears and his hands shaking from grief, right in front of his mother and everyone they knew. _It’s your fault Han’s dead. You might as well have shot your father in the heart._ Leia had never mentioned the incident again, and to this day he wasn’t sure if she agreed. Whether she did or not made little difference to the guilt that had been eating away at him since then.

 

“Oh Ben…” Rey whispered, holding him closer.

 

“I still saw my mother, sometimes. I couldn't... I mean, I still had to obtain my high school diploma, and I wanted to go to college. I chose one of those fancy prep schools where they don't care if you're a fuck-up, as long as you have the money, knowing she'd hate it. Her father had made her go to one and she always referred to it as the worst years of her life. I wanted to prove to her that she'd made a mistake, that Grandfather had been in the right and that none of this would've happened if she'd stayed on the path he'd chosen for her - a path I was glad to take up. That’s when I started using his name, Skywalker, instead of my father’s name, Solo.”

  
“Then I met Snoke… but I already told you that part of the story. He was the first person to accept me the way I was, to make me feel like I had nothing to apologize for. Things were starting to fall in place for me, at last, yet every time I saw her, my mother couldn't talk about anything else than how dangerous Snoke was and how I should stay away from him... like she was unable to just be happy for me. So eventually I had to stop all contact with her as well.”

  
“Do you miss her?”

 

Ben waited for a long time before replying. He hated to admit it, both to himself and someone else, but he couldn’t imagine uttering such a colossal lie, one that went against the very fabric of him.

 

“Yes.”

 

They stayed in silence for awhile, and relief swept through Ben at the thought that Rey hadn’t pulled away after he had told her everything.

  
“What about you?” he asked, turning to her and taking her hand in his. “What's your story?”

  
“Nothing. No story. My parents died when I was little and my aunt raised me,” she replied in a light tone. “I'm no one really.”

 

Ben perceived there was more to it than that, but he didn’t want to pressure her. Just because he’d told her about his past, that wasn’t a reason to expect her to do the same if she wasn’t ready.

 

“You’re not no one to me,” he said.

 

She smiled – a pure, luminous smile Ben knew would stay imprinted in his mind - and leaned over to kiss him. Soon his hands found their way inside her robe again, and they made love hungrily, desperately, as if it would stop time from ticking relentlessly on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks as always to those who commented and left kudos! It's basically like Christmas every time I get notifications in my mailbox :D
> 
> Speaking of Christmas, tis the season for gift fics, so I'm taking a little break from this story until January to make sure I complete my assignments and give them my all! The last two chapters also took me in a more emotional direction than I was expecting and I have to adjust the rest of the plot. The next update will be on January 7th. Sorry to keep you waiting so long! In the meantime, very happy holidays to you all <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter includes a conversation where Rose describes to Rey how Paige died. She doesn't get into any detail, but if that's the sort of thing that triggers you, feel free to scroll down to the part where Rey tries to tell her about Ben, just before the # break.

Rose sighed with content and a puff of smoke escaped her mouth.

 

“I think we did a really good job, don’t you?”

 

Rey looked at the misshapen snowman standing in the Ticos’ front yard and nodded. “Fantastic. We should send this immediately to the others so they can admire our work.”

 

“Okay, hang on a minute, I left my phone in the kitchen.”

 

Rey leaned against the wooden post of the porch and watched as the light of day dimmed to a soft, enveloping blue, the snow taking on an almost luminescent quality. She breathed in deeply, savoring the crisp, cold air. Each day gone by make her more glad she’d accepted Rose’s offer to spend the holidays with her family; she didn’t think her friend would have taken no for an answer anyway. The Ticos embodied the joyful, generous spirit she’d always associated with Christmas without knowing what it could possibly feel like. Even their house, twinkling with colorful fairy lights and buried in a beautiful layer of white, looked like a postcard. Not so long ago, staring outside the window of her tiny room at a dusty, wind-swept road, Rey had felt a galaxy away from what she only saw in TV movies. Now she was here, and she never wanted to leave.

 

“Right, here we go,” Rose called out cheerfully, bounding to her side and quickly clicking away at the snowman. Then she huddled next to Rey and turned her phone camera to them. “Say cheese!”

 

“We should go back inside before your fingers fall off,” Rey said when they were done.

 

“Yeah, and I’m dying for a hot cup of tea. I’ll go make a pot if you want.”

 

They retreated to the warmth of the house and while Rose made tea, Rey quickly headed to the guest room. As soon as she’d stepped inside upon arriving the day before Christmas, she could tell it had been Paige’s room, although the desk and the shelves had been cleared out and the sheets on the bed were brand new. The wallpaper, all in little flowers and soft pastel colors, looked exactly like what a girl growing up in the nineties would choose, and there were three framed pictures hanging above the desk: one of the Tico family on vacation, with a young Rose making a wide, partially toothless smile at the camera, another one of Rose and Paige when they were in their early teens, and one of Paige alone that must have been her senior picture. She was slimmer and taller than Rose, with longer hair and perfectly applied makeup, but both sisters had the same proud demeanor and mischievous glint in their eyes.

 

This had made Rey nervous at first, as if she were an intruder taking someone else’s place. But the Ticos, like their daughter, were impossible not to get along with; family dinners were sacred, and often stretched out in the evenings into board games. Rey had never seen a family who so obviously enjoyed spending time with each other, even when they debated politics or bickered over laundry.

 

Rey took her phone on her nightstand and sat on the bed next to Beebee, their cat, who spent most of his days sleeping at the exact same spot and left a trail of white and orange hair wherever he went. Scrolling through her notifications, she saw Poe and Finn had reacted to the pictures Rose had posted in their group chat: _Looking lovely snow babes <3_, wrote Poe. _Snowman challenge_ _ACCEPTED_ , wrote Finn, followed by a string of banter with Rose. Rey grinned and scrolled down some more. Her heart gave a little skip when she saw Ben had sent her a message.

 

 _Can’t wait to see you._ _Only two days._

 

He made a point to text her every day, and though his messages were always short, they were heart-felt, like an arrow that never missed its mark. Rey was dying to call him, to talk to him about every little detail of her stay. Perhaps it would assuage the aching need that had been building up within her all through December.

 

Parting with him before Rose’s return that Sunday after Thanksgiving had felt like someone was gripping her heart and wrenching it out of her chest. After the way they’d surrendered to each other, both in mind and body, it felt wrong not to be with him. Unbearable, even.

 

“We’ll still see each other at the library, right?” she’d asked. It came out more desperate than she’d intended, but considering the ball of anguish that was squeezing her throat, it was a feat that she was able to speak at all.

 

“Of course,” he’d reassured her, caressing her cheek with his thumb and looking deep into her eyes. “Every night. I promise.”

 

As it turned out, that hadn’t been such a great idea. Now that they’d shared such depths of pleasure and such raw intimacy, firing each other up in the periodicals aisle where they knew very well that they would have to stop was maddeningly frustrating. Not only that, but with the semester finals coming up quickly, the library was much more packed than usual, even late at night, and Rey, on top of having to study herself, had a greater workload.

 

“You’re not resting enough,” Ben told her one evening, frowning at the dark circles beneath her eyes. “You should take it easy, go to bed earlier.”

 

“But this is the only time when we can meet,” she reminded him.

 

“Look, we both have to focus on work right now if we want to ace the finals. Why don’t we take the mutual decision to… not see each other until the holidays?”

 

“Until the holidays? Seriously? That's in three weeks!”

 

“Rey, you know I don’t like the idea any more than you do. But you need time for yourself, and I have stuff to deal with on my end too.”

 

“What kind of _stuff_?” she asked, wary. Was that creep Snoke pulling his leash again and making him back down? Is that why he wanted a break?

 

“I’m trying to find an apartment off campus in Everton, and a part-time job to pay the rent,” he replied. “That way, when Snoke finally gets back from his extended holiday in the Caiman Islands and I tell him to fuck off, getting myself kicked out of Alpha Alpha, I’ll have a place ready.”

 

“Ben...” She stood on tiptoes to kiss him softly, overjoyed at the news. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this.”

 

But he was. He _was_. She had to believe in him, because he wasn’t doing it for her: he was doing it because he wanted to be his own person again. And for that, he had to tell Snoke off in person, prove to himself that he was capable of doing it. Just their luck that the slimy bastard had jetted off just after Thanksgiving and wasn’t to return until January.

 

“Can we still text though?” she asked innocently.

 

“Yes, but no naughty stuff, or else I won’t be able to stop myself from showing up at your dorm.” He circled her waist and pulled her to him. “Listen, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve? Bradley has invited us all to his parents’ brownstone in the city, but I’m not going to stick around any longer than I have to, so...”

 

“I’ll be in the city too, actually. Kaydel’s brother is having this massive party in his loft and we’re all going.”

 

Ben smiled and peppered her neck with kisses. “Well, maybe we can meet up afterward? Sneak off and find a cozy room somewhere so we can ring in the New Year properly?”

 

The offer was too tempting to pass up, though Rey had no idea how she would swing it. How could she possibly justify booking a hotel room for herself and leaving her friends at the party, even at two a.m when everyone would probably be drunk or otherwise engaged? Finn and Rose, in any case, would definitely find it suspicious. But she couldn’t refuse this to Ben, or to herself. Anymore of this forced separation and she’d go mad.

 

 _Can’t wait either, handsome_ , she texted back immediately. _I have a surprise for you._..

 

_A Christmas present?_

 

_A present *and* a surprise, then._

 

_Same. Now I’m even more impatient. Miss you like crazy._

 

_Miss you too._

 

She hesitated, then added a little heart emoji. She hoped it could make up at least a little bit for the fact that she was too frightened to actually say the words. _I’m in love with you too, Ben. I need you. And I’m so scared because I’ve never loved or needed anyone before, not like this._

 

“Hey, everything all right in here?”

 

Rose’s head peaked inside the room, her cheeks still red from outside, and Rey slammed the phone back down on her nightstand. “Yeah, great. I was just reading what the guys sent us.”

 

“Tea’s ready, and Mom made some chocolate chip cookies too.”

 

Rey gave a little laugh. “Oh god, I’m still stuffed from lunch. I’ve never had such amazing food in my life.” She sat cross-legged on the bed and petted Beebee’s thick fur. “And your parents are so nice. I can see where you got your constant cheerfulness from.”

 

“Yeah, it can be a little bit overwhelming at times,” Rose grinned, joining her and lifting a grumpy Beebee out of the way to take his place. “They’re so happy to have you here, though. They told me over and over again at Thanksgiving that I should have insisted that you come, and if you hadn’t accepted to stay here for Christmas they probably would’ve given me shit non-stop. So thank you.”

 

“Are you kidding? I’m the one who should be thanking you! Ever since September you’ve been like my rock.”

 

“That’s what best friends are for.”

 

Rey took Rose’s hand and squeezed it. _Best friends._ That was another thing that was completely new to her. Yet she couldn’t help but feel she was undeserving of the title as long as she was lying to her. Maybe it was time to tell her. If only she could find the right words to explain…

 

“You know, I don’t like being in this room,” Rose said suddenly. “My parents redecorated it and changed it into a guest room this summer. They didn’t want it to become a shrine, they said, and Paige wouldn’t want that either. She would want it to welcome new people in the home. That’s what she was like.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But it feels okay, when you’re here. It feels like it’s full of life again.”

 

Rey was overwhelmed. She didn’t know what to say, or how to reply, and sensed it would be better just to let Rose continue at her own pace if she wanted to talk about her sister.

 

“I’ve been wanting to tell you how she died. It’s not the sort of thing you can ask, but I’ve told Finn, and it feels weird that he should know and not you.” She paused again, her expression hardening. “She had just entered college – not Everton, she was more into art than science. One night she was out with her friends. They were walking back towards campus when this guy who was drunk at the wheel failed to stop at a red light, just as Paige was crossing the street, and...”

 

“Oh Rose,” Rey murmured. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“It was a hit and run, but thankfully a few witnesses gave a description of the car and they were able to find who did it.”

 

“What happened then?”

 

“The driver was some rich kid from a fancy fraternity. He should have gotten jail time, but his parents were wealthy enough to hire a whole team of fancy lawyers, so he ended up with probation. My parents filed a civil lawsuit, of course, but the guy’s family offered a generous settlement and their lawyer is pushing them to accept. It makes me so angry I just...” She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “How can I blame them if they do, though? They don’t have the means to keep this going forever, and they’re supporting me so I can do what Paige never could.”

 

Rey pulled her into a hug. What could she possibly tell her that would comfort her?

 

“Hey, whatever happens, you’ll be okay,” she said. “You’ve got us, right? No matter what.”

 

Rose sat up and nodded, wiping her tears away. “I know. I’m so lucky to have you guys. Finn’s been amazing, and Poe, and Kaydel… At least they understand how fucked up the system is and the damages that privilege can do and they’ll let me rant about it to my heart’s content.”

 

Rey bit her lip. There was no way she could tell Rose about Ben now. Yet Rose had put such trust in her that she couldn’t bear deceiving her for one more second either.

 

“Listen, I have to tell you something too,” she said, her heart hammering in her chest.

 

“Really? Is it serious?”

 

“No, I mean – it’s nothing tragic or anything. And compared to your story it’s small beans.”

 

“Both your parents died when you were just a baby,” Rose pointed out. “I don’t see how that’s small beans.”

 

“It has nothing to do with that, though. I just...” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m seeing someone. A guy.”

 

Rose’s jaw fell open. “Holy crap. Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah, but here’s the thing. The reason why I didn’t tell you before. We’re not ready to go public with our relationship yet.”

 

Her friend smiled excitedly and leaned in closer. “Is it Poe?”

 

“Poe?” Rey repeated, giggling. “Can you imagine Poe _not_ going public with the fact that he’s seeing someone? No, it’s not him. I can’t… I can’t really tell you who it is for now. It’s not because I don’t trust you, on the contrary, you’re the person I trust the most with this but… it’s complicated. I swear, things will be different in a few weeks and then...”

 

Rose’s eyes widened. “Oh my god. Is it a professor?”

 

“ _What_? Ew, Rosie, no way! Although I can totally understand why you would think that. I promise, he’s not creepily old or married or anything like that.”

 

“Okay. I’m very intrigued by this mystery man, but as long as you’re safe, I won’t pry.”

 

Rey exhaled in relief. “Thanks. I am safe, don’t worry. And I’ll explain everything when the time is right. Actually, I’m meeting up with him on New Year’s Eve, after the party...”

 

“And you want me to cover for you, correct?”

 

Rey nodded, a little embarrassed. “Just this once. We don’t have many chances to meet, but he’ll be in the city too that night, so I’d like to see him.”

 

Rose thought for a moment. “I guess I could tell everyone you’re sleeping at our Airbnb?”

 

“You got an Airbnb? I thought we were all supposed to spend the night at the loft.”

 

“Yeah, Finn did actually. It’s this tiny two-room apartment but he thought…” She blushed and stifled a giggle. “Well, _we_ thought – I mean, I think we’re ready. We’re definitely ready.”

 

“Oh, I see,” Rey replied, raising an eyebrow. “That’s quite romantic, actually. Finn is the sweetest guy ever.”

 

“I know, I still can’t believe he’s into me. I’m a little nervous though, what if… you know, what if we try and it doesn’t work?”

 

Rey understood all too well her friend’s fears, and wished she could give her the advice she needed. _With the right guy, the one who really sees you and listens to you, the one you trust, it just works, that’s all._ But that would come soon enough. She just had to be patient.

 

_Only two days._

 

#

 

“I mean, isn’t New Year’s so _random_?”

 

Rey smiled politely. A guy with oversized glasses and a tailored linen shirt than must have cost more than her monthly earnings was leaning over the counter, glass in hand, talking loudly to cover the noise of the EDM that was blaring throughout the loft.

 

“Like, every time I go to a New Year’s party,” he continued, “I’m like, what are we celebrating really?”

 

Rey was close to asking herself the same thing, actually. Kaydel's brother was a visual artist and his friends were from the same breed of intimidatingly trendy people who seemed to have everything figured out, from their look to what they called their _vision_. Kaydel and her girlfriend, whose short asymmetrical bob would've looked ridiculous on anyone else but was somehow arresting on her, fit right in. And Poe... well, Poe was so incredibly charming and handsome that he could blend with any crowd.

 

Rey, on the other hand, felt completely out of her element, and had settled in the open kitchen with Rose and Finn. It was clear she didn’t belong here, with these people in their sharp, unique designer outfits, their haircuts scissored to perfection and their discussions about which foreign country they would vacation in. She had an unsettling impression of _déjà vu_ , and realized that this reminded her in a way of the Alpha Alpha party.

 

Of course, gender roles weren't so cut and dry in terms of prey and predator, thank goodness. But there was the same sense of display, of show, the same pack mentality that excluded those who didn't belong: not directly, of course, but in a multitude of little glances and curt replies not followed through by a question to keep the conversation going. It got a little better as the party progressed and the alcohol started to work its magic as a social lubricant, but Rey resented having to rely on organic elderflower cocktails to be worthy of someone’s interest.

 

She suddenly wondered what Ben would say if he saw her there, awkward and ill at ease, and the sound of his deep, soothing voice came to her mind. _See, y_ _ou don’t fit in here, just like I don’t fit in that fraternity. And you’re just as aggravated by these people as I am by members of the First Order. We do these things because we have to, but in fact we’re outsiders, to everyone except each other._

 

She smiled to herself. He would definitely make mincemeat out of the New Year’s Eve skeptic, but at least she had Finn and Rose with her, and they looked just as doubtful about their surroundings as she felt.

 

“It’s not random,” Finn pointed out. “It’s just a retooling of the Roman calendar integrated into Christmastide, and Christmas itself was modeled on Sol Invictus.”

 

“Obviously,” the guy in glasses replied. “That’s the thing though, it’s just, like, carrying on dated conformity.”

 

His diatribe went on for longer than Rey had the patience for, but was mercifully interrupted by the strike of midnight. Even trendy artists couldn’t resist a good countdown. There were hugs and kisses and in the midst of it all, Poe found his way back to the kitchen.

 

“Happy New Year, you,” he told Rey, squeezing her tightly before kissing her cheek. “Are you guys having a blast or what?”

 

“Yeah, it’s really fun,” Finn replied, ever the diplomat. “Anyone for a game of caps?”

 

“You know it,” Poe said with a grin. “How many beers are there left in the fridge? I really can’t with these elderflower cocktails.”

 

They played for a while, until more people showed up and the living area was turned into an impromptu dance floor.

 

“ _Finally_ ,” Poe exclaimed. “Sorry guys, but this is my call.”

 

“And I have to use the bathroom,” Rose, setting her bottle down. “Please don’t go anywhere, I don’t want to have to search for you in a sea of minimalist Swedish smocks.”

 

“You got it,” Finn said, then turned to Rey. “What time is it anyway?”

 

“Quarter past one,” Rey said, checking her phone and seeing a text from Ben.

 

_Done with this party. You?_

 

Finn’s eyes flicked almost imperceptibly towards her screen and he scooted a bit closer to her. “Listen, Rose talked to me about your plan.”

 

This in itself wasn’t a surprise. She hadn’t expected Rose to hide the information from her boyfriend, especially since she was using their Airbnb as her excuse. “I figured. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

“You know I’m all for ladies doing whatever they want, however they want to, but I just wanted to make sure you’re not putting yourself in a bad situation here.”

 

Rey fiddled nervously with the tag of her beer. “What makes you think I would?”

 

Finn shook his head. “I don’t know. I’d be happy to welcome any guy you’re seeing into our group with open arms, because if you’re dating him, he clearly has what it takes. I just can’t understand why you’re not telling us who it is.”

 

“Because I - I’m afraid, that’s why. I’m afraid of how you’ll react.”

 

“Okay, now you’re starting to scare me. Is he a white supremacist? The heir to an oil company? Does he kill kittens for sport?”

 

Rey smirked. “Nothing like that. He’s just... really different. And it’s been so difficult to figure things out between us. I need time adjust.”

 

Finn stayed silent for a moment before going on. “Well, if that’s the case, I only have one question for you. Is he worth it?”

 

This time her lips curled into a real smile. “Yes. I’m absolutely certain he is.”

 

“All right,” Finn said, relieved. “You go on, then. We’ll tell Poe you were tired and took a cab.”

 

“As soon as Rose gets back from the bathroom. I couldn’t imagine leaving without saying goodbye to her. And I would say the same for Poe, but I don’t want to interrupt him in the middle of his mating dance.”

 

It took Rose a solid twenty minutes to return. In the meantime, Rey had arranged for Ben to come pick her up, however she had just passed the door of the building when he informed her there was traffic and he was running late.

 

Wonderful. Nothing like waiting alone on a street corner in the freezing cold on New Year’s Eve. Rey wrapped her coat closer against her, suddenly overtaken with fatigue. How would she be able to stay up all night? The party had exhausted her and right now the only thing she wanted to do was curl up in a nice warm bed.

 

A black town car pulled up to the curb and stopped. A moment later, Ben exited in front of her. He was wearing a charcoal gray wool coat and under it, a smart evening suit.

 

All the waiting, frustration, and thoughts of sleep evaporated from her mind, and her breath caught sharply in her throat. He was so gorgeous, like a vision appearing from nowhere fully formed, and one that was beyond the fantasies she’d replayed over and over in her mind all month. And right now, nothing else existed but him, and _them_.

 

“Happy New Year, Rey,” Ben said, holding out his hand to take hers and lead her into the car.

 

She stopped before entering to place a feather-light kiss on his lips. “It is now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! May 2019 be filled with joy, love, and lots and lots of Reylo, both on Ao3 and in Ep IX. *crosses fingers*
> 
> This ended up being sort of a transition chapter where not a lot happens, but we need those once in a while, right? I also really wanted to write more about Rey and Rose being besties, because as a society we tell plenty of stories about bromance but not nearly enough about beautiful lady friendship, and I'm sort of making it my life mission to change that :P The action (in every sense of the word) will return next chapter, and then it's full-on DRAMA from there. Only four chapters to go!
> 
> ETA: writing the last chapters of this fic is demanding a lot from me, both technically and emotionally, and I realized I need to focus exclusively on my writing without getting sidelined by the wonderful feedback you all are generous enough to give me. That's why I've decided that all four remaining chapters will be posted on MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4TH. The upside is you'll be able to binge-read the ending without interruptions, making the aforementioned drama a bit easier to handle ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter makes mention of underage drinking and sexual assault (it doesn't get into details though, and it's discussed by people who weren't present when it happened).

Ben had kept his eye on his watch the whole night. One of the good things about a New Year Eve party was that people just assumed you were just counting down the minutes the year had left. As the minutes dragged past, he kept a vodka on the rocks close at hand, his only ally in this godforsaken tedium of trying either to get connected or get laid.

 

He remembered the first time he’d been invited to a party at the Snokes’ townhouse. Back then, he was still in high school and it had dazzled him, and not just because he was inside a multimillion dollar property in the middle of the city. There were college kids there, savvy and suave and headed towards a successful career, unburdened by their parents’ messy divorce and the floundering economy.

 

He had been so busy being impressed that he hadn’t bothered to wonder if it was normal to have guys in their twenties getting drunk at the same party as girls from his class who were far under the drinking age. And now, years later, here he was: he was one of the college kids he had looked up to, and some of the girls looked like they were just as young as they’d been back then.

 

“Was it Brad who came up with the guest list?” he grumbled to Hux, having retreated in a corner of the living room. “The average age in here is making me feel like I’m a chaperone at a school dance.”

 

“Matches his mental age, I guess,” Hux shrugged indifferently, typing away on his phone. “The only thing we can do is hide our aged bottles somewhere where the kids won’t find them and mix them with Moutain Dew or something.”

 

Ben frowned as he watched a highly intoxicated Bradley pour some tequila shots to a young girl in tiny black shorts and an oversized sparkly top that was slouching down her shoulder. He glanced at his watch again. It was past one. Rey was probably waiting for him to text her.

 

“That’s it, this is getting too creepy for me,” he said. “I’m out of here.”

 

“Seriously? You’re leaving me alone with those idiots?”

 

“Well, if you’re bored, you can keep an eye on Brad and make sure he doesn’t get up to his usual antics. Lock him in one of the four bathrooms if you have to, he’s probably going to be puking up that tequila in an hour anyway.”

 

He strode off towards the table and grabbed Bradley by the collar, leading him away from the girl. “Quit while you’re ahead, man,” he told him gruffly. “We may be at your house but I’m still your upperclassman.”

 

“What are you on about, _Kylo_?”

 

“Shut up. We’ve been through this before. If you’re so fond of cheap alcohol, drink it yourself.”

 

“I don’t think Grandpa would appreciate you talking to me like that,” he slurred.

 

“Oh yeah? You want to call him and find out?”

 

Bradley grunted and ambled off, chastened. Ben went to get his coat, but even as he left and texted Rey, he couldn’t shake an uneasy feeling of letting things unattended. What else could he do, though? He was drifting away from this world and it was for the better.

 

When he saw Rey waiting for him on that street corner after an agonizing stint in city traffic, all lingering thoughts about Bradley’s party evaporated. He’d waited far too long to see again, and the rest of the world dissolved around them.

 

“Happy New Year, Rey,” he said as he opened the door for her.

 

She grinned and placed a light kiss on his lips. “It is now.”

 

As soon as they were both inside, Ben pulled her to him and kissed her, filling his lungs with her delicious scent, letting his hands roam from her hair to her thighs, electrified by the sensation of finally having her in his arms. Time had stretched on endlessly when they’d been apart, but now it was as if none had passed since they’d both been naked in her bed, reveling in the sensation of each others’ bodies.

 

“God, I missed you,” he told her as the car started. “I thought I would go mad.”

 

“I missed you too,” she breathed next to his ear. “I missed you so much...”

 

How had he managed to go so long without seeing her? Her presence made him feel alive in a way he’d never experienced before, as if he was exploring parts of his own mind, heart and body completely unknown to him. Here they were, Ben mused, two adventurers speeding through uncharted territory, but completely oblivious to any danger as long as they had each other to hold on to.

 

He tightened his grip around her waist and lay a string of kisses down her throat, eliciting a soft moan. “What did you miss?”

 

He could feel Rey smile as he continued to lavish her pale throat with his mouth. “I missed your lips… your voice...”

 

“Mm-hmm. Go on.”

 

“I missed the way you make me feel when you look at me… when you touch me...”

 

His right hand snaked up her thigh and under her dress, desperately searching for the hem of her tights.

 

“I missed your hands all over me...” She gave an amused grunt of frustration. “I knew I shouldn’t have worn these.”

 

He finally found the hem and slipped his fingers underneath. The angle was a bit awkward but it was nothing he couldn’t work with. Rey stopped the motion of his arm.

 

“Ben, wait… Won’t the driver hear something?”

 

“The partition is sound-proof,” he mumbled in her hair, edging further down. “How loud are you expecting to scream, exactly?”

 

She giggled, but it turns into a groan as he cupped her over her panties, rubbing the silky material where wetness was already beginning to soak through.

 

“I don’t… I – that’s very presumptuous of you...”

 

He applied more pressure and she arched against him. “Is that a challenge?”

 

She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lower lip to prevent any sound from coming out. He enjoyed taking control now, but his own arousal was so overpowering he knew she could easily reduce him into a quivering mess if she chose to. He deftly pushed the edge of her panties asides and circled her entrance slowly.

 

“If you want to concede defeat, just tell me to stop and I will.”

 

Rey shook her head, her eyes still closed and her breathing elevated. Ben dipped a finger into her hot, slick folds and started to move, alternating between slow, languorous movements and rapid motions that made her whine against her pressed lips.

 

“I want to make you come so badly, baby,” he panted. “Are you sure you’re going to stay silent?”

 

She resisted a few moments longer, then gave in and cried out against his shoulder as he pumped faster, her hand wrapped around his wrist to make him go deeper and harder. She bucked against him but he held her forcefully in place until she slumped backward.

 

“Okay, you win,” she said breathlessly, rearranging her clothes.

 

“For now,” Ben replied, his erection painfully straining against his pants. “You’ll get your revenge.”

 

Her eyes glinted with mischief. “As soon as we get to… wherever we’re going. Where _are_ we going, by the way? It looks like we’re leaving the city.”

 

“We are. I wanted to bring you someplace special.”

 

They managed to keep their hands off each other and simply talk about everything that had happened since Thanksgiving for the remainder of the journey. At one point, Rey realized the car was driving through Everton and paused.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re planning on returning to my dorm,” she said.

 

“No. That bed of yours is too damn narrow. I think my back still hurts from the nights I spent sleeping there.”

 

“Just from sleeping?” she teased.

 

He took her hand and kissed it. “We’re not going on campus. Look.”

 

The car had stopped in front of a group of plain, cream-colored condos, not far from the town center. Rey exited with her bag while Ben paid the driver, then he led her to the front door of the building, typing in the security code to let them inside.

 

“What is this place?”

 

“Not as glamorous as a four-star hotel, I know, but I think you might like this better.”

 

They made their way to the third floor and Ben took a set of keys from his own bag, opening the door of a small two-room apartment. He closed the door behind Rey and switched on the light while she looked around with wide-eyed wonder.

 

“Ben… is this yours?”

 

“I signed the lease a week ago. It’s small, but it’s furnished, so it’ll do.” He set his bag on the floor and took off his coat, then turned to her, almost nervous. “So, what do you think?”

 

She gave him a dazzling smile and rushed to embrace him. “I didn’t know you had found a place already! This is wonderful!”

 

“I haven’t moved my stuff yet, so it’s kind of empty, but I stocked the fridge and bought some sheets, so -”

 

“What else do we need, really?” she completed for him.

 

“Presents,” Ben said. “I got you something.”

 

He took a small box from his bag and she followed suit, then they both went to sit on the couch.

 

“I’ll go first,” she said, handing him a clumsily wrapped present in the shape of a book. “I hope you like it.”

 

Ben unwrapped it to find a beautiful edition of _The Alchemist_. He’d spotted Rey’s own worn-out copy in her dorm and he could tell it was a book that she had read many times over.

 

“I love it,” he said. “And I’m sure I’ll love it even more after I read it. Thank you.”

 

He handed her her own present, and observed her carefully as she undid the ribbon around the box and opened it. Her face lit up in amazement.

 

“Ben,” she gasped. “This is too beautiful.”

 

“Here, let me put around your neck.”

 

She took out the delicate chain and pendant and twisted around so he could fasten it in place. The small golden pendant was exquisite on her. It was shaped like a starburst, with a clear glittering stone in the middle. As soon as he’d seen it in a shop window, he knew he had to buy it for her.

 

“It’s gorgeous,” she said, then leaned in for a kiss. “And everything – all of this is _perfect_.”

 

“I’m glad you like my surprise.”

 

“Speaking of which, that reminds me… I have a surprise of my own.” She started kissing him again, but pulled away when he tried to bring her closer. “Go to the bedroom, I’ll join you there.”

 

“What state do you require me to be in? Clothes on or off?”

 

“Off.”

 

He gladly executed her orders. The room was bare save for a double bed, but he’d managed to scrounge a small lamp to place on the floor and it gave off a pleasantly subdued glow. He lay on the bed in his boxers, nearly shaking with anticipation of what Rey had in store for him.

 

When she entered the room, he sat up to look at her, gorging on the vision that stood before him. Rey was wearing a peach-colored satin set trimmed with lace; the panties dipped enticingly low and the bra pushed her breasts up just enough that they were even more tempting than usual. She stood before him, somewhat skittish, as he stared at her hungrily.

 

“Do you like it?” she asked.

 

“Come closer,” he said, and she slowly walked towards him. “Turn around.”

 

She did, glancing at him playfully over her shoulder. When she was facing him again, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him.

 

“Tell me everything you want me to do to you,” he said, his palms grazing her back and cupping her ass.

 

“I want you to pin me down and spread me out and have your way with me,” Rey replied simply. “I want you to make me feel like there’s nothing in the world that will make you stop.”

 

He swallowed hard, his fingers clutching her soft flesh. The thread that was keeping him tethered to reason was about to snap, and the fearlessness in Rey’s eyes was undoing him more quickly than her ravishing body or her sexy lingerie.

 

“I won’t,” he uttered in a husky voice. “I won’t stop. I won’t let go.”

 

 

#

 

 

_I wish every morning could be like this, forever._

 

It hadn’t been morning, far from it, but it didn’t matter. The image of Rey’s face bathed in sunlight, her naked form wrapped in his sheets, was so present in Ben’s mind that his thoughts slipped back to it whenever they weren’t busy. He felt like he’d explored and tasted and stroked her body so many times that night, in so many different ways, that Rey, the feeling of her, had seeped into him now, which left little room for anything else. But it was the memories from the day that stood out the most: Rey smiling at him when he woke. Rey trying to figure out how the coffee machine worked. Rey walking with him, hand in hand, at the convenience store, as they picked up supplies to make dinner.

 

 _It_ can _be like this_ , he’d told her. _It will, in a few days. You’ll see._

 

Tyler House was slow to fill in the following days, and the temptation was overwhelming for Ben to simply box up his stuff and leave. He knew it would be the reasonable thing to do, just have it over with before everyone came back; certainly Rey would be pleased with this decision. She fit so well into his apartment, into his new life, that it was the very image of perfection.

 

 _Too good to be true_ , a part of his mind insisted, the same part that made him feel like he would be fleeing if he didn’t confront Snoke one last before cutting himself free. And if he moved too rashly, Snoke would be the one to cut him off, denying him a chance to set the record straight.

 

So he waited, carefully preparing his move so there would be nothing left to do but put all his belongings in a rental car and drive away when the time came. Luckily, he didn’t have a lot of them – amazingly few, actually, which said something about the life he’d lived these past years. A few clothes, a few boxes of books and school supplies, and that was it, really.

 

When the brothers started coming back, Ben lay low, spending his time studying and reading and working out alone, but he did notice that Hux and Bradley were not among those who had returned. More worryingly, the atmosphere in the house was strangely quiet, and rumors were being whispered about why two of the most prominent members were missing. Ben made a point of not taking part in it: he was done with all of that, and none of it mattered anymore. Still, it made him uneasy.

 

What also made him uneasy was that Snoke remained unreachable. Was that bastard planning to spend the rest of his days in Bermuda or something? Ben just wanted to get it over with, and it was almost as if the senator was deliberately withholding his presence to avoid confrontation. Being ghosted by him was far more unsettling than being constantly harassed: that, at least, he had gotten used to.

 

The evening before class started again, Ben did get a call, but not from Snoke – from Hux. He closed the door to his room and picked up.

 

“What is it, Hux?”

 

“Are you alone right now?”

 

“Yes. Why are you asking me that?”

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

“Okay, what the fuck is going on? Everyone has been coming up with crazy shit to explain why you and Bradley haven’t returned, and I’m not going to cover for you.”

 

“I’m in the city. I’m staying with Snoke. He needs my assistance right now.”

 

There was an unmistakeable hint of smugness in his voice. Of course. He had always resented playing second-fiddle to Ben, and now he was replacing him as Snoke’s right-hand man. It was everything Hux had ever wanted, and he was more than capable of calling just to rub it in Ben’s face.

 

“That’s wonderful, Hux,” Ben replied coldly. “I hope you two are very happy together. Is that all?”

 

“No. I wanted to make sure you’re prepared for when the news comes out.”

 

“What news?”

 

“Bradley is being accused of sexual assault. One of the girls at the party said he got her drunk and forced himself on her. She’s sixteen years old.”

 

Ben sat down on his bed. “Holy shit. You told the police what happened that night, right? That we saw him plying a girl with tequila?” Cold horror seized his stomach. “Fuck. Is it that same girl we saw? I should have decked Bradley when I had the chance and put him out of order. _Fuck_.”

 

“Calm down. There’s nothing we could have done, and honestly, she didn’t look like she needed to be encouraged to drink.”

 

“Oh, I see. Snoke already briefed you on what you’re supposed to say if the cops ask you questions. You’re going to defend Bradley, aren’t you?”

 

“I’m not going to defend him, I’m going to tell the truth: that it’s impossible to know what happened, and that it’s possible that this is just a ploy to hurt the senator’s public image. He has a lot of enemies.”

 

Ben stood up abruptly. “In _high school_? Jesus, Hux, we both know what’s been going on at Alpha Alpha for _years_ now. I tried to do what I could to change it, but I’m done. Keep pandering to guys like Bradley and they’ll keep spreading the rot.”

 

“How very high and mighty of you. Have you asked Dameron to join his group yet? I’m sure they could use that sort of wide-eyed idealism.”

 

“Fuck you,” Ben shot back. “If you think anyone with a shred of human decency is the enemy, you’ll make an excellent lapdog for Snoke.”

 

“Speaking of which, before you hang up in a tizzy, he told me he’s expecting you in his office tomorrow at five.”

 

“And what if I already have plans?”

 

“He’s confident you can cancel them.”

 

And with that, Hux was the one to hang up. Ben threw his phone on the bed and paced around his room, enraged. He felt helpless, sickened, complicit even in what had happened. What would Rey think when he told her? She’d be horrified. But he’d be out by then, and free to do what he thought was right. At least this would make it far easier to burn the bridge behind him.

 

 

#

 

 

Ben was half-expecting to see Hux hanging around Snoke’s office the next day, ready to play the loyal lackey to his face, but the building was almost empty when he arrived. Snoke was waiting for him in his office, seemingly unfazed by what had happened; his expression was even jovial when he looked up at Ben.

 

“Ben, my boy, I'm very glad to see you. Sit down, please.”

 

Ben took a seat in one of the plush armchairs, eying the old man warily. What kind of trap was this? Snoke finished up what he was writing, then crossed his hands in front of him, waiting for Ben to start.

 

“I’ve been trying to contact you,” Ben finally said. “I wanted to tell you it's over.”

 

Snoke titled his head to the side. “That sounds very definitive. What's over?”

 

“This. All of this. I don't need your money or your help anymore.”

 

“Oh. Have you found some other provider?”

 

Ben was stung with the implication, but forced himself to remain calm. He’d seen this before. Snoke was studying the angles, readying himself for the kill. He had to tread carefully and stay calm. “I'm on my own now,” he replied. “All my life I've let myself depend on other people, and I'm done.”

 

Snoke sighed. “I rather thought you were too old to go through an adolescent phase, but it goes to show even the best judges of character might be wrong. And what exactly are your plans then?”

 

“Get a scholarship. Work. Live alone. Take my own decisions. Nothing other people my age don't do.”

 

“Ah yes. And most of them turn out to be stellar examples of success, don't they? Bogged down with more debt than they'll ever be able to pay back, living a tired existence in the wastes of suburbia, amounting to nothing.”

 

“It doesn't have to be this way.”

 

“You seem very sure of yourself. I wonder who gave you that newly found confidence in humanity.”

 

He smiled, and Ben’s insides froze with dread as he opened a drawer to take out a file, placing it carefully on the desk before opening it.

 

“Rey Nima Johnson,” Snoke said, reading from a sheet of paper.

 

Disgust seized Ben’s heart at the sound of him saying Rey’s name, and he gripped the arms of the chair. “How did you -?”

 

“Did you imagine you were being discreet? Come, you're smarter than that.” Snoke gave him a look full of mock pity. “Pretending to be sick on Thanksgiving, going after hours at the library, leaving the New Year's party before anyone else - it's almost as if you were trying to get caught.”

 

Maybe he had, Ben realized. Maybe he wanted it all to come crumbling down. It wouldn’t be the first time he sabotaged himself. But Rey was with him now. That made all the difference.

 

“It doesn't matter,” he said. “And nothing in that file will make me change my mind.”

 

Snoke raised an eyebrow and returned to the sheet of paper. “Let's see now. Born in Arizona. Parents deceased - drug overdose for one, liver cancer for the other.”

 

“I don't give a fuck what dirt you dug up on her or her family,” Ben insisted, anger boiling up inside of him. “You know nothing about Rey - _nothing_.”

 

“It's not your opinion that matters to me, my dear boy, seeing as your brain stopped working once you started using your cock. However I'm sure the heads of Everton college will be interested to find out that one of their scholarship students was implicated in... fraud, money laundering, and larceny.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Apparently, she was employed by a certain Unkar Plutt back in Arizona, a thug who used his garage as a cover for illegal activities and who's now doing time. It's not a stretch to conclude she knew what was going on and failed to tell the authorities.”

 

“And how would the administration like to have a sexual assault scandal on their hands?” Ben retorted. “How would it look in the papers if Bradley Snoke gets convicted of rape? I saw him pour some underage girl drink after drink, and it's not the first time either. Your piece of shit grandson prefers girls when they're barely standing and not lucid enough to speak. So you back off Rey or I'll tell anyone who'll listen what's been going on.”

 

Snoke burst out laughing. “You really think you can blackmail me? Go ahead, tell whoever you want. This isn't the first time I'll get Bradley out of trouble. He transferred to Everton after a fatal DIU accident at another college. The parents put up a good fight, better than I imagined, but when I added a zero to my offer, they settled. Everyone has a price, Ben. Even you.”

 

He took something else out of the drawer and slid it over the desk. It was a sleek black credit card.

 

“There's a hundred thousand dollars on this. Drop out, travel around the world, screw some whores, buy a car. Do whatever it takes to get that girl out of your system.”

 

Ben stared at the card, then back at Snoke, but didn’t move an inch.

 

“Fine,” Snoke shrugged. “If you need to give yourself a false impression of integrity, you can also hitchhike to Mexico for all I care. As long as you play nice and disappear for a while, Rey Johnson will stay at Everton, her heart no doubt broken but her scholarship intact. And when you come back, a nice cushy internship will be waiting for you at my firm.”

 

“Why?” Ben asked. “You have Hux. You have those brilliant young interns of yours. You could have anyone you fucking want, so _why me_?”

 

Snoke sat back his chair with a cruel grin, a predator who’d had his fill of the weaker species he’d just devoured. “Because I don't like to lose. That's what got me here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was Bradley Snoke the one who killed Paige? It's heavily implied, but I decided to leave it ambiguous, so you're free to make up your mind on what really happened. We can all agree he's scum either way anyway. 
> 
> Also, "The Alchemist" by Paolo Coelho is one of my favourite books EVER. You should read it if you haven't.


	16. Chapter 16

Rey had never been one to think that a calendar change could magically solve problems. A new year had never brought her anything but the dull awareness that time was passing, but this time, she felt differently. She could let herself hope that what she wished for would come true: she and Ben, free to walk hand in hand on campus, to go to bars and parties and study together. Free to be just like they had been a few days earlier: lounging in his bed, exhausted from their lovemaking, with nothing in mind but how to spend the day together.

 

 _Going to see Snoke_ _tonight_ , Ben had texted her the previous morning. _I’ll be moving my stuff t_ _omorrow_ _. Got a lot to tell you._

 

Finally, she thought as she finished her sandwich, sitting at the table of the coffee shop with Rose and Finn. There was a fourth seat at the table, an empty one. Was too crazy to imagine Ben there? Once he was out of Alpha Alpha, it would be ten times easier to break the news to her friends, and she let her mind wander to an image of Ben coming inside, red from the cold, sitting down next to her and kissing her cheek.

 

_Sorry I’m late, I needed to ask the professor a couple of questions after class. I’m getting a coffee, you guys want something while I’m at it?_

 

Her daydream was interrupted by a buzz of her phone.

 

“So, do you guys want to watch a movie tonight?” Finn asked. “You could come hang out at my dorm. I’ll make my specialty dish.”

 

“Enchiladas, _again_ ,” Rose said, rolling her eyes. “I think that should be your New Year’s resolution: to learn new recipes.”

 

“Recipes you can do with only a hotplate and an electric kettle. There must be a book on that.”

 

“Personally, I’m fine with enchiladas, as long as you don’t get to pick the movie again,” Rey said, glancing down at her phone.

 

_I dealt with Snoke. You don’t have to worry about him any longer._

 

Rey smiled and quickly typed her answer.

 

_That’s great! When can we meet up at your place? Tonight? Miss you…_

 

The enchiladas might have to wait. She could see he was typing his answer, though it was taking much longer than usual. She fingered her pendant nervously until the message popped up.

 

_I love you, Rey. It’s selfish of me but I just wanted you to know that._

 

It was as if her heart had stopped beating in her chest. She couldn’t look away from the screen. In a corner of her mind, she realized she had been waiting for this moment her whole life, thinking these three words alone could finally make everything seem worthwhile and fall into place. It was all supposed to make sense now.

 

But it didn’t. It didn’t make sense at all. And anxiety was rushing up to her stomach. Why was he telling her this? Why didn’t he simply invite her over and tell her face to face? Suddenly, she found it difficult to breathe.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Finn asked. “You look pale all of a sudden.”

 

“I… I have to go do something. Sorry. I’ll see you guys later.”

 

She stood up and Rose followed. “Rey, wait! What’s wrong? Do you want me to come with you?”

 

Rey forced a tight smile and shook her head. “No, it’s all right, really. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“Call me if you need me, okay?”

 

Rey nodded and walked out of the coffee shop. As soon as she was outside, she immediately tried to call Ben. This wasn’t in their habits, but she had to know he was okay. The call went straight to voice mail.

 

“Shit,” she cursed aloud. “ _Shit_ , what is going on?”

 

Anguish was now clawing at her throat. She had to do something, _anything_ to know where he was. She started running, not knowing at first where her feet were taking her. Should she go to his building? She didn’t even know the entry code. No, Tyler House was closer, loathe as she was to go there. Maybe someone there knew what Ben had been up to, or had at least seen him taking his stuff out of his room.

 

By the time she arrived to the other side of campus, she was completely out of breath, but the pain of the lack of oxygen was at least making her forget about the fact that Ben still wasn’t picking up his phone. She shoved any reasonable doubt out of the way and stepped up to the door, pushing determinedly on the doorbell.

 

A few moments later, a young man opened, confusion plain on his face. He looked like he was a freshman, same as her. “Can I help you?”

 

“Yes, sorry, I – I need to know where Ben is. Ben Solo – I mean, Ben Skywalker.”

 

“Ben? Kylo Ren? You’re looking for him?”

 

“ _Kylo Ren_? I’ve never heard that name before.”

 

The young man blushed as if he was realizing a mistake he’d made. “Yeah, well, I -”

 

A sharp voice interrupted him from inside. “Who is it?”

 

“Some girl, she’s looking for Ben,” the young man answered over his shoulder.

 

Rey heard quick footsteps and he was brusquely pulled back inside. Another young man with sharp features and flaming red hair took his place; from his cold gaze and contemptuous smirk, she could tell at once he knew who she was, and she had no problem guessing who he was as well. Ben had described Armitage Hux in rather vivid terms.

 

“Your precious Ben isn’t here,” he spat out, “and he won’t be returning for a while.”

 

“Oh. I didn’t know he’d already moved out.”

 

“Moved out?” Hux gave a little snort. “I don’t know if you can call grabbing a sports bag and tossing a bunch of clothes in it, then leaving in the middle of the night _moving out_. All his other stuff is still in his room.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Ben’s on holiday. Far away, I would suppose. And good riddance.”

 

Without further explanation, Hux slammed the door in her face. Rey stood there a moment, stunned, then slowly made her way down the steps again. She was shaking so hard she could barely walk.

 

 _Calm down_ , she told herself. _Calm down and focus. Maybe he has no network. Maybe he just needs a few days alone. He’ll contact you. He_ loves _you._

 

But no matter which rational, reassuring argument she tried to formulate in her mind, they couldn’t erase that one simple, dreadful fact: Ben was gone.

 

 

#

 

 

Rey felt like she was walking around in a dream – or rather, a nightmare she just couldn’t wake up from. For the first time since the beginning of the year, she was tempted to skip class; it seemed beyond her strength to pretend like nothing was going on. In the end, she dragged herself outside, not because she wanted to, but because she knew it would be worse if she stayed alone with her thoughts. Forty-eight hours of silence passed in an incomprehensible blur, as if everything had shifted out of its normal axis.

 

She barely even registered Poe’s cryptic text – _Meeting in my dorm room after class, DO NOT spread word_ – until Rose mentioned it to her in the afternoon.

 

“What do you think this secret meeting is all about?” Rose asked. “Another war council?”

 

“I have no idea,” Rey replied dully. “But I guess we’d better go.”

 

Rose frowned. “Rey, you’re pale, and you look like you haven’t been sleeping at all these past two days. Are you sure you’re not sick? Maybe we should get you back to our dorm and into bed.”

 

“No, please.” She didn’t want to spend any more time that absolutely necessary in the same bed where Ben had held her in his arms, kissed her senseless, made love to her over and over again. She swore she could still catch the scent of him there, though it was fading quickly. She needed to think about something else, _anything_ , other than him. “Please, I want to go. I should probably just eat something.”

 

“Okay,” Rose said warily.

 

She didn’t insist, but Rey could tell that her friend wasn’t buying any of it. She wouldn’t be able to keep this up much longer. In fact, if Ben hadn’t contacted her tonight to tell her where he was, all bets were off to what she would willing to do.

 

When they arrived in Poe’s room, he was more agitated and excited than they’d ever seen him. He was pacing in front of his desk, pressing his lips together as if he had to physically restrain himself from talking before they were all there. Finally, when everyone had gathered around him, he took a deep breath and started.

 

“Okay guys. What I have to tell you is big. _Really_ big.”

 

“Well, you’ve got our full attention now, so spit it out already,” Kaydel said, mildly annoyed.

 

“I got a letter in the mail this morning.” He picked up a brown manilla envelop placed on his desk. “Apparently, Bradley Snoke is being accused of sexual assault.”

 

Poe’s announcement was followed by a silence that was both astonished and horrified.

 

“Wait, _what_?” Finn exclaimed. “Is this some kind of sick joke?”

 

“No. That’s what I thought at first but I checked, it’s not. A case has been opened. Whoever wrote this gave me all the details – how it happened at his parents’ townhouse on New Year’s Eve, how there were underage girls there who were drinking, everything. It’s a direct eyewitness account, not of the assault itself, but of what led up to it. But that’s not all.”

 

Rey’s mouth went dry and her pulse quickened to an alarming rate. _Ben_. It had to be Ben. Was that what he meant by dealing with Snoke?

 

“Our mystery source also told me all about the inner workings of Alpha Alpha. My friends, the information we have here is worth its weight in gold. There’s more than enough to make their chapter close down – more than enough to run articles every week and raise hell until they’re finished, pure and simple. Next to this, our little stint at the beginning of the year will look like child’s play.”

 

Rey stood up from the bed, light-headed. Ben had sent this letter, then he had disappeared. He wanted to deal a fatal blow both to Snoke and the First Order, but he also wanted to protect her. He knew that at soon as this went public, he’d be on the receiving end of intimidation and abuse, and if they were together that would make her even more of a target. He thought she would be safer surrounded by her friends, by the people she belonged with. How could he not see she belonged with him too, no matter the consequences?

 

“Rey?” Poe asked, putting the envelop back on his desk. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I know who wrote this,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself.

 

“You do?” Kaydel asked. “How could you possibly - ”

 

Rey couldn’t hold back the sob that burst from her mouth, and dissolved into tears. Rose rushed to her side and took her in her arms, smoothing her hair.

 

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “It’s okay. Whatever you need to tell us, we’re there for you.”

 

“I can’t,” Rey whispered. “I can’t, you’ll hate me.”

 

“There is nothing you can say that will make us hate you. _Nothing_.”

 

She gently led Rey back to the bed and made her sit down while Poe got her a glass of water. Rey wiped her cheeks and looked at her friends. She couldn’t take this any longer. She had to tell them everything.

 

It came out abruptly, in waves, almost incoherently, but she held nothing back. Not the way she and Ben had met, nor their late-night meetings in the library, nor the fact that they had spent Thanksgiving weekend together, then New Year’s Day. She desperately tried to explain that he wasn’t who everyone thought he was, and that he wasn’t like those other guys from Alpha Alpha. He had rescued her from Bradley. He had poured his heart out to her. He was trying to make the right changes in his life. But would that be enough to convince them?

 

When she was done, the others sat in silence for a minute. Rose had taken her hand and wasn’t letting go. Poe was the first to speak.

 

“Well. That would certainly explain why I got this letter. Ben Skywalker – or rather Ben Solo, trying to redeem himself. Never thought I’d see the day. I’m honestly kind of pissed I can’t one hundred percent hate him now.” He gave a deep sigh. “Then again, what would be the point of an organization like ours if we didn’t give people a second chance?”

 

“I agree,” Finn said. “And I wish you’d told us sooner, although I understand why you didn’t. I mean, as soon as that guy decided he wanted to be with you at all costs, that’s all the convincing I need.”

 

“Plus, I’ve seen him, and he’s basically a heterosexual girl’s fantasy come true,” Kaydel remarked, the corners of her mouth twitching. “I’m never one to cast the first stone in case of questionable but irresistible attraction. We’ve all been there, right?”

 

For the first time in twenty-four hours, a genuine smile appeared on Rey’s face. “I… I don’t know what I’d do without you guys. But I’m so lost right now. I have no idea where Ben could be and no idea where to start looking.”

 

“We’ll figure something out,” Poe said. “He’s bound to turn up somewhere. He doesn’t sound like the type of person to leave well enough alone, and sooner or later he’ll want to finish this business with Snoke and those fraternity brats.”

 

Suddenly, Rey’s phone started to vibrate. Her heart leaped in her throat and she tore it from her pocket. It was an unknown number. Which could mean either something good, or something terrible.

 

“I can’t,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I can’t, I...”

 

She handed her phone to Kaydel with trembling fingers.

 

“Hello?” Kaydel said as she accepted the call. “Who is this speaking?”

 

Rey thought she could hear a woman’s voice on the other line. Kaydel said nothing but her eyes widened in shock.

 

“Yes. Of course. She’s right here.”

 

She handed the phone back to Rey. “Hello?” she asked, forcing her voice to remain steady.

 

“Are you Rey Johnson?” a deep, gravely, but musical voice asked.

 

“I am.”

 

“Good. I’m Leia Skywalker-Solo, and I’m looking for my son. Perhaps you can tell me where he is?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I have no idea how the American legal system works. Can you check to see if a case has been opened against someone? Is it public information or not? I would guess so, since journalists report on it, but it's just a wild guess, so let's just say for the purposes of this story that it's not completely nuts.


	17. Chapter 17

_Mom,_

 

_I didn’t know if I should call or send you an email, but in the end this seems like the best solution to make sure I say everything I have to say._

 

_You’re going to want to know what’s been happening in my life. I could give you a run-down of these last three years at Everton but truth be told, when I think about it, there’s not a lot that wouldn’t sound either very specific, regarding my studies, or completely mundane. It made me realize that despite obtaining diplomas, I’m at a standstill right now._

 

_I made myself believe I wasn’t. I was desperate to feel like I was accomplishing things. But it’s the same old anxiety, the same old fears circling in my head, and no amount of diplomas is going to break the cycle. I don’t know that I could have done anything for it to be different; I would have to go too far back in time to see where I could have taken another path._

 

_I am sorry, though, for everything. It’s not going to fix things to tell you that. I’m not even sure it counts if I don’t have the courage to tell it to you in person, or at least on the phone. I just feel like I need to say it._

 

_I’m unsure of my plans in the near future. I’m still not sure a future is even what I deserve after what I’ve done. But there is someone else who does deserve one, and I’m trying to do what I can to make sure she gets it._

 

_Her name is Rey Johnson. She’s a freshman at Everton, and she’s caring, intelligent and kind – just the type of person you would’ve liked to raise. I’m not going to get into all the details, but her studies are in jeopardy. Suffice it to say that Rey and I were involved, and it was serious, and I broke things off with the First Order. Now Snoke is threatening to have her scholarship taken away to get back at me. Rey is the type of person who’s strong enough to make her own choices, but I still feel like it’s my fault, and I can’t stand it._

 

_So I’m trying to fix this if I can, make it one less mistake to carry around in my conscience. I know you and Dad set up a fund for me to go to college. Since it was never used, if the money’s still there, I think it should go to Rey. That way it wouldn’t be wasted and at least some measure of good would come from me turning my back on the family and screwing things up._

 

_I’ve enclosed her phone number. Call her any time. I’m sure you’ll find her worthy of your time and attention if you do._

 

_Rey once asked me if I missed you. I told her I did. I still do, just so you know._

 

_\- B_

 

 

#

 

 

Ben couldn’t sleep.

 

He felt like he’d been staring up at the ceiling for hours – by the alarm clock on the nightstand, it was more like an hour and a half. The thin curtains did little to block the murky brown light of the streetlamp outside the motel, and the room was overheated. He shoved the sheets back, then took off his shirt and brought them back up again, flipping to his side.

 

Rest would continue to elude him, he knew. His mind was unable to shut off, and every time he closed his eyes, he pictured Rey. Was she sleeping in her dorm? Out having a drink? Or looking at her phone, desperate for him to send her a message?

 

The urge to switch on his phone and contact her was crushing, so much so that it was almost like a muscular impulse that he struggled to contain. But he couldn’t. He would only hurt her more than he already had. She might be worried sick or gutted by sadness, but that was nothing compared to the grief he’d eventually bring her if he stayed.

 

Ben flipped onto his back again. Maybe he should have pretended he was no longer interested in seeing her. Dumped her unceremoniously. Told her he’d met someone else. He rubbed his face with his hands. No, Rey wasn’t an idiot, and besides she could read him like an open book; she would’ve seen right through it. Even though he’d disappeared, at least he hadn’t disappeared on a lie, and carrying his love with him as he went would have been too heavy a burden.

 

He was surprised to find that tears had welled up in his eyes and were now rolling down his cheeks, yet he wasn’t making a sound. It was almost as if he had forgotten how to cry for lack of practice.

 

It seemed an unnecessary act to be doing it now that everything was over, that there was nothing else he could do. His tears would dissolve without leaving a trace. No one would know they’d been there. They wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone.

 

Ben closed his eyes and exhaustion finally took him.

 

He dreamed of Rey. Not of her, exactly, but of vivid impressions of her, so saturated with color and feeling that they made his heart wrench in his chest: the softness of her hair under his fingers, her devastating smile, the warmth of her body.

 

She was laughing. They were somewhere, anywhere, together. _Where were you? I was worried, you know_ , she scolded him playfully. _I’m so glad you’re back, though._

 

_But I’m not._

 

_What are you talking about? You’re right here, aren’t you?_

 

_You don’t understand._

 

She sighed, disappointed, but didn’t let go of him. _I guess so… When are you coming back then?_

 

When he woke up, his tears had dried but a sob was strangling his throat. He sat up in a panic and switched on the lamp.

 

There was no escaping it, then. Fifty miles or a hundred or a thousand wouldn’t make any difference. Rey was with him wherever he went, but even worse, he was with himself, and he could never outrun either of them.

 

“FUCK!” he screamed into the empty room.

 

Outside, the sky was turning pale. The contrast between Rey’s warm embrace and luminous smile and the dank gray morning was more than he could bear. He couldn’t stay here any longer. There was one more place he had to go to, one more thing he had to try before giving up completely.

 

He got up, took a quick shower, and gathered his things. Just one bag to throw in the back seat of his rental car, the same he’d used when he’d spent the weekend with Rey. He’d meant to throw his phone away at first, but couldn’t bring himself to do it, and had simply turned it off.

 

It was the last thread connecting him to the life he’d left behind, he realized as he sat in the driver’s seat. But where he was going now, he wouldn’t need it.

 

 

#

 

 

The front gate stood at the end of a long winding road and next to it, the parking was nothing more than a patch of grass where clumps of snow had been hastily shoveled back. Behind it stood the handsome mansion that was so familiar to Ben, and beyond, he knew, were the fields and the stables and the greenhouse.

 

After parking the car, he stayed a long time staring at the steering wheel. Was he really about to do this? Destroy the last barrier that stood between him and self-preservation?

 

There was nothing to preserve now, though, asides from bitter regret. And he was at a crossroads: that barrier needed to go down if he wanted to see clearly the path he needed to take.

 

Ben took a deep breath and exited the car. A freezing, miserable drizzle had started up and he hurried to the lobby, which had been set up in the former parlor of the mansion. There was no security system, no button to press to be let in. That sort of thing was contrary to what Luke envisioned for his school: a place of freedom and trust, not a gated community. Maybe he had regretted once his own nephew had run away, but in any case nothing had changed.

 

“Can I help you?” a kindly elderly women asked him from behind the front desk.

 

“Hi,” Ben replied, a bit awkwardly. “I’d like to speak to the headmaster, if that’s possible.”

 

“Do you have an appointment with Luke?”

 

“I don’t, actually. But I’m a family member. His nephew.”

 

The woman smiled warmly and looked down at a handwritten ledger. “He’s out in the greenhouse right now with some of the students, but you can wait here until he comes back.”

 

Ben thanked her and sat down in the waiting area, where a display of magazine on alternative education was available for reading. There were a few framed clippings on the wall about Luke’s school, not only the glowing reviews but the angry, critical pieces about how he was demolishing the very concept of authority. Ben smiled in spite of himself; it was just like his uncle to wear these like a badge of honor.

 

Half an hour later, Luke came barging in through the door, bundled up and breathless.

 

“Any calls, Lanai?”

 

“Nope, but you’ve got a visitor.”

 

Ben stood up. When Luke saw him, he tensed, but his expression didn’t betray his surprise.

 

“We’ll be in my office,” he said simply. “Don’t disturb us unless it’s an emergency, all right?”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

Luke unzipped his coat and gestured for Ben to follow him up a flight of stairs into a large office, cramped with binders and books. After taking off his coat, Luke immediately started up an electric kettle.

 

“Long time no see, kid.”

 

Ben nodded, unable to say a word, and sat in one of the chairs in front of Luke’s desk. Luke didn’t seem to mind his silence. He waited for the water to boil, then got out two mugs and two teabags.

 

“You gonna tell me what you're doing here?” he asked, handing Ben one of the mugs.

 

Ben hesitated a long time before answering. “I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on it. I just... felt like this was the only way to come full circle.”

 

“Come full circle...” Luke sat down on the chair next to him, his expression thoughtful. “Are you going away, then? For good this time? Leaving all that Skywalker family drama behind?” He gave a dry little chuckle. “Believe me, there were times in my life when I wanted to disappear as well, pack up and go to Australia or something. Probably the reason why I ended up here. It's not as far as Australia but without any Internet and just one landline it might as well be.”

 

The tea was too hot. Ben set the mug down on the corner of the desk.

 

“You blamed me for disappearing back then. You blamed me for...”

 

He drifted off, unable to finish. Luke gave a heavy sigh. “I suppose we have to get that out of the way before we talk about anything else.”

 

“ _Get it out of the way_?” Ben repeated, suddenly furious. “What you told me that day destroyed me!”

 

“No, Ben. What destroyed you was being convinced, deep inside of you, that you had killed Han.”

 

Luke shook his head and Ben noticed for the first time that his uncle looked much older and wearier than when he’d last seen him. His eyes had taken glassy quality, like those of elderly people who had cried too much and had run out of tears.

 

“Look,” he continued, “I was wrong to say that. There’s not a day I don’t regret it. I don't think I've made a bigger mistake in my whole life, and God knows Leia gave me hell for it afterward.”

 

Ben frowned, puzzled. “She did?”

 

“Are you kidding me? Does your mother look like the type of woman to meekly stand by when her brother drinks his grief away and starts ranting like a madman?”

 

“She never told me.”

 

“She didn't want to bring it up with you. She thought the wound was too fresh and you wanted to be left alone.” Luke leaned forward, his shoulders stooped. “See, that's your problem, Ben. You've always acted like you wanted to be left alone, like you didn't need anyone, when in fact you're desperate for someone to hold you. You didn't kill your father; years of fast living and faults on both sides and the ruthless lottery of nature killed him. But what made me snap that day was that you were acting as if you didn't feel the same pain as I did, and I couldn't stand it.”

 

Ben pressed his lips together. Everything Luke was telling him was shifting his perception of what had happened at the wake, and the scared teenager he’d been back then, the one he thought he still was, felt like no more than a part of his past.

 

“Well, goodness knows your parents had a hand in that,” Luke grunted, taking a sip of tea. “We all screw up some way or another even though we try our best. And that's all we can do, really - try our goddamn best.”

 

“I am,” Ben blurted out despite himself. “Believe me, I am. I... I met someone who makes me want to try.”

 

“From the way you speak, I'm guessing it's not a creepy old man with enough money to hire someone to wipe his ass for him,” his uncle smirked, and Ben almost had to laugh.

 

“No, it's not.”

 

“And where is she, then, this _someone_?”

 

Ben took his mug again and looked out the window. “At Everton. I didn't tell her where I was going - I wasn't even sure I was going anywhere when I left.”

 

“You care about her?”

 

“More than anything,” Ben confessed. “But I feel like I'll screw up, like you said, like Mom and Dad did. They loved each other, but it wasn’t enough, they were just too different. I don't want that for her. She deserves better.”

 

Luke’s mouth twisted into a wry smile. “Then give it to her. There's no law, no incompressible rule that says you can't. You speak as if this is biological destiny, but you’re not doomed to repeat the same mistakes as your parents. She saw what's good in you, so let her draw it out.”

 

“You don't think it's too late?”

 

“You're here with me, aren't you? If that's not proof it's never too late, I don't know what is.”

 

They sat in silence for a while, drinking their tea, and Ben started to feel the tension of the last few days – or it might have been the last few years – starting to ease. One thing was certain, the urge to run off into the wilderness was fading. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to let himself come to a halt for a moment.

 

“So, you want to stay here for a coupe of days?” Luke asked, as if reading his mind.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Sure. But you know the rules, kid: you’re going to have to work for your keep. There’s wood that needs chopping out near the greenhouse.”

 

Ben set his mug down and stood up. “Fine. I could do with the workout anyway.”

 

When he stepped outside again, the drizzle had turned into a light, feathery snow. He breathed sharply and his lungs welcomed the cold air. There was nothing in front of him but a clear, empty landscape now; nothing to keep him from doing whatever he decided in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely LOVED writing Luke in this chapter. Cranky old TLJ Luke = best Luke. And next chapter we get to meet Leia! So stoked I could fit the two of them in the story, although I've been planning it for a while now.


	18. Chapter 18

“Here it is. Chandrila Lane. Must be that house over there.”

 

Finn pulled the rental car into a quiet street and parked in front of an elegant redbrick house. Rey tapped her fingers nervously on her thigh; how had she found herself here, an hour and a half out of Everton with her two best friends, about to meet her boyfriend’s mother – without her boyfriend actually being there?

 

“I think it’s best if we meet in person,” Leia (as she insisted to be called, not _Mrs Skywalker-Solo_ ) had told her. “We have quite a lot to discuss, I think.”

 

Rey had immediately agreed, despite the logistics involved. She couldn’t refuse anything to Ben’s mother, especially in this situation. Leia had been skillful in hiding any anxiety she might have about her son’s whereabouts, but Rey could only imagine the torture she was going through – _again_ – was far worse than hers.

 

Rose turned around in her seat and smiled at Rey. “You good?”

 

“Yeah. Okay, let’s go.”

 

This was nerve-wracking, no doubt about it, but still better than going around in circles on campus. Rey exited the car and followed Rose and Finn up to the door.

 

As soon as they rang the bell, a chorus of barks resounded behind the door.

 

“ _Artoo_!” a stern voice called out. “Down, boy!”

 

A moment later, the door opened and Leia appeared. She was a slight, short woman, about Rose’s height, and her brown hair was streaked with gray, but there was an unmistakable aura of authority about her that naturally inspired respect. Here was a woman who have lived multiple lives and survived all of them, Rey realized. And it gave her the courage to step forward.

 

“Mrs – I mean, _Leia_ ,” she said. “I’m Rey Johnson. These are my friends, Finn Storm and Rose Tico.”

 

“Come on in,” Leia replied, her expression unreadable.

 

They followed her inside, where a shaggy white dog with gray patches gamboled up to them, sniffing around them suspiciously before deciding they were harmless. Rose knelt down, delighted, and scratched him behind the ears. There were papers and books strewn on the dining room table and the walls were decorated with paintings and posters of all sorts. It gave the house a lively, cozy feeling – exactly the one Rey herself had been going for in her dorm. She relaxed a little bit and took off her coat.

 

“You want something to drink?” Leia asked, heading towards the kitchen.

 

Finn and Rey shared a glance. “No, we're good for now, thank you,” Finn replied. “In fact, do you mind if we just take a walk around the block while you two talk?”

 

“Not at all. You can take my dog Artoo with you, he needs some fresh air. His leash is hanging on the coat rack.”

 

Finn hesitated, but Artoo had already flipped on his back for Rose to scratch his belly. “We’d love to!” she exclaimed. “Wouldn’t we, buddy?”

 

“If we’re not back within the hour, just assumed she’s kidnapped the dog,” Finn told Rey, before squeezing her shoulder and heading towards the front door.

 

“What’s your poison? Coffee? Tea? Something stronger?” Leia called from the kitchen.

 

“I’ll have… whatever you’re having,” Rey replied uncertainly, then wandered awkwardly around the living room.

 

On the hearth were a couple of framed family photos. One in a black-and-white of a handsome young man in uniform, who had the same dark gaze as Ben. Another of three young people, arms linked and laughing, in the faded sepia tones of the seventies: Leia herself, standing in the middle, a dark-haired man with a roguish smile, and another with bright blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Finally, there was a framed picture of Ben; he couldn’t be more than eight years old, and the candor of his expression nearly broke her heart.

 

“I didn’t always have all of these here, you know,” Leia said behind her.

 

Rey whipped around, embarrassed, and rushed to help her as she set a platter on the coffee table.

 

“That’s all right, you just sit down.” She handed her a cup of coffee and took one for herself. “I guess I’m getting sentimental with age. I used to think only art was worthy of displaying in one’s home. Goes to show you’re never too old to change your mind.”

 

Rey gave her a little smile and took a sip of coffee. So many questions were rushing through her mind, and yet she couldn’t say a word. Thankfully, Leia had less qualms than her to get into the thick of things.

 

“So, this is the young woman my son told me so much about,” she said, eying Rey up and down. “I could tell you I was expecting someone different, but the truth is I had no idea what to expect.”

 

“You spoke with Ben?” Rey asked desperately.

 

“Not exactly. I got a letter from him in the mail a couple of days ago.” Leia sighed and settled back on her armchair. “Now, I don't know what he's told you about our family, but we haven't talked in years. Oh, I keep up with what he's doing, of course. An old friend of mine runs a coffee shop near the campus and she knows everything that's going on at Everton.”

 

Rey grinned. “You mean Maz? She’s a friend of yours? We always hang out at her place.”

 

Leia gave a little laugh. “If I had known that, I would've given her a call before you came, to fish for information. Ben told me quite a lot but she probably has a more objective perspective than my lovelorn son.” Rey blushed, and Leia gave her a shrewd look before continuing. “Anyway, I was shocked that he would suddenly send me this, and even more shocked when I saw why. He was asking for something, but not for himself. He was asking on your behalf. He wants me to use the money in the fund we set up for him to pay for your tuition.”

 

It took Rey a second to fully understand what she was saying. “What? That's... crazy! Why would he do that? He knows I have a scholarship.”

 

“He didn't go into details, but apparently Snoke threatened to make you lose it if Ben didn't follow orders.”

 

Rey bit her lower lip. Ben’s words echoed through her head. _He keeps tabs on everyone. I suppose that’s how you obtain that sort of power._ Could it be that Snoke had rummaged around in her past? Of course. Someone with that much money could get his hands on any information he needed. Her stomach clenched.

 

“What has that bastard got on you exactly?” Leia asked, and it was clear that she wasn’t the type of person you could lie to. Just like her son, in fact.

 

“Back in Arizona I worked for a guy called Unkar Plutt,” Rey said. “He owned a garage and I scraped around for used parts. He was into all sorts of shady stuff, though I never took part in it. But I didn't go to the police either. My aunt owed him money and he would've made things that much more difficult for her.”

 

She paused, then went on without averting her eyes. “I don't regret what I did. My parents neglected me and died when I was just a kid. My aunt had next to nothing and what she did have, she used to keep the roof over our heads and food in our plates. I can't say I had a loving childhood, but if it hadn’t been for her I would’ve drifted for years in the foster system, or worse.”

 

Leia didn’t reply immediately, as if she was busy forming an opinion on her. “You certainly have sincerity and straightforwardness going for you,” she finally said. “That's something my son has sorely lacked given his entourage these past years. And resilience, it seems.”

 

“I've always managed. Whatever Snoke threatened to do, I'll find a way forward.” She exhaled deeply, her emotions bubbling back to the surface. “I don't care about the money. I just want to find Ben, and know he's all right.”

 

The older woman smiled. When she did, it was like snow melting away to show the dazzling beauty of her youth; it was still there, just hidden by years of work and worry. “Well, it just so happens that before you arrived, I got a call from my brother Luke. It seems Ben is staying with him right now.”

 

Glorious relief swept over Rey and tears sprung to her eyes. Ben was all right. Nothing else mattered now. _He was all right_. “I... I'd like to go there, if I can. I just want to see him, even for a minute.”

 

“On one condition,” Leia replied. “I'm coming with you. You have an extra seat in the car, right?”

 

 

#

 

 

It felt like the longest car ride of Rey’s life, though it was anything but unpleasant. In fact, Finn and Rose seemed ecstatic to be able to ask Leia all about her organization and her past as an activist, and Leia had a slew of fascinating anecdotes to tell. But Rey just couldn’t focus on anything else but the landscape of rolling hills and woods they were rushing past; now that she knew where Ben was, the distance made her ache even more.

 

They finally turned on a small country road that wound through the forest and led to a small parking area and a gate.

 

“That’s my brother’s school,” Leia said. “Although he dislikes the term. The kids spend more time outdoors than sitting in classrooms.”

 

“It’s beautiful,” Rose said.

 

Finn parked the car and they exited, following Leia to the other side of the open gate. Luke was waiting for them on the porch of the main building; time had also turned his hair from gray to blonde and his jaw was covered with a shaggy beard, but his blue eyes were just as pure and sharp as they had been in the photograph.

 

Brother and sister embraced in a long hug, then Luke turned to the three visitors.

 

“Welcome to our humble abode,” he said as he shook their hands.

 

“Pleased to meet you, sir,” Rey replied.

 

“Good grief, Leia, didn’t you brief them?” Luke joked. “Next they’ll be calling me _Principal Skywalker_.”

 

“Well, I might,” Leia replied, amused. “So, where are you hiding my son?”

 

“He’s out back,” Luke said. “He’s been spending all of his time outside, even in this weather.”

 

“Just like Han,” Leia remarked fondly. “Never one to like being cooped up inside, though he’s certainly more bookish than his father was.”

 

“That’s where we met, actually,” Rey said, a tinge of pink rising to her cheeks. “In the library.”

 

Leia gave a sharp laugh. “Thank goodness. If he had met some girl at a debutante ball, I never would’ve forgiven myself.”

 

Rey laughed as well, and started down the path leading to the open fields with Finn and Rose. There was a group of younger students near the greenhouse and a couple of others throwing a ball around on a stretch of grass, but no sign of Ben.

 

“I think I see someone down there,” Rose said suddenly. “Near the edge of the woods.”

 

Rey craned her neck towards the downhill area her friend was pointing at. Someone was leaning over to pick up a pile of wood and put it in a wheelbarrow, and when he stood up, Rey immediately recognized his tall, muscular frame and dark hair.

 

“Go on,” Finn said. “We’ll wait for you here.”

 

Rey turned to hug them each in turn. “Thank you for being here with me – for everything, really. You guys are the best friends anyone could ask for.”

 

“Wait until we grill that boyfriend of yours, then we’ll talk,” Rose teased her.

 

Rey turned away and hurried down the path towards Ben, who was busy lugging another pile of wood into the wheelbarrow. When he saw her, he froze into place.

 

“Ben,” she said, then called out louder. “Ben!”

 

He watched her run towards him, unable to move, but Rey could now see the intensity in his gaze. It was the same intensity that had drawn her to him when they’d met, the same intensity that made her weak in the knees but strong in her heart when they were together. No matter what he was going through right now and what he needed, he was still the same Ben – _her_ Ben.

 

She slowed to a stop in front of him, and they stood in silence for a few moments.

 

“Rey,” he said finally. “You came.”

 

“Of course I did,” she replied, her heart catching in her throat. “Did you think that I wouldn’t hunt you down when you didn’t let me answer?”

 

“Answer to what?”

 

“I love you too, you idiot.”

 

He took her hand and pulled her to him, wrapping her in a warm embrace. Rey closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, engulfed in his warmth, his scent, the strength of his arms. She wished he would never let her go. She wouldn’t let him, not again.

 

“I'm so sorry,” he rasped. “Please forgive me, Rey. All the pain I put you through, the secrets, the uncertainty...”

 

“And all the pain you kept inside,” she said, looking up at him and jabbing a finger at his chest. “From now on, Ben Solo, whatever problems come up will be _ours_ and not just _yours_ , is that clear?”

 

He smiled and brought his lips down to hers to kiss her. “I’ll try my best. I promise.”

 

“I’m not going to fix you. But I’ll be right there next to you when you fix yourself.”

 

“Ever the mechanical engineering student,” he joked, and they kissed again.

 

After many more the same, they broke apart and Rey stepped back to lead him towards the path.

 

“Now come on, there are two people I want you to meet, and one person I think you should see.” Ben nodded and inhaled sharply. “You ready?”

 

“I think I am.”

 

She squeezed his hand and they started up the hill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A HUGE thank you to everyone who left kudos and/or commented on this story. You guys really are the best. I was overwhelmed by your feedback and it really kept me going in the end.
> 
> I'm going through a really rough patch IRL and the last chapters were way more emotional than I thought they would be, thus really difficult to write, but I'm really happy I managed to pull through and finish. This is definitely my longest completed fic so I've unlocked a nice fandom achievement for myself :) 
> 
> A note on the ending, I was frustrated not to include a scene where Ben meets Rose and Finn, or one where he reconnects with Leia, but I thought that might be taking the fluff a bit too far and it was hard to end on that note. I'll leave to your imaginations to fill in the blanks. My personal headcanon is that Ben slowly grows to like Finn and Rose and vice-versa; he and Rose also have a deep conversation about what happened to Paige (assuming Bradley was the drunk driver); Poe and Ben can't stand each other but they manage to be civil; Alpha Alpha gets their chapter closed down and Bradley escapes prison time (seems to happen in a lot of these cases...) but his future is forever ruined by the scandal (meaning Snoke is also compromised by it); and of course, Ben and Rey stay together and Leia LOVES her future daughter-in-law. 
> 
> Big thanks to LadyBurrito for encouraging me and making me a moodboard and listening to me rant about how I felt like I would never finish this. You rock, lady <3 (Also go check out her fic "Cabin Fever" because it is AMAZING.)
> 
> Thank you all for reading :D


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